Man Talk - Victor

Name: Victor

Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Age: 31 years old

Married for 6 years

1) An Anonymous asked "..is contributing to the community more important than contributing to your infant son?.." (Man Talk - Ah Keong).

Bringing up our children will directly contribute to humanity, on a smaller scale, to our country, our state, our city and our neigbourhood. A person with good principle/ethics/values/character walking on the street is definitely better compared to walking in the streets with 'wolves'.

A strong/healthy country consist of a strong/healthy family. Family is made out of individual, and community is made out of groups of individuals/families. So in reality, contributing to our children is contributing to the community around us.

Brief summary, regardless, our contribution to the 'community' or to our children we are contributing to our community. Which is more important? That's your pick!

2) Ah Keong stated that men have no right to balance their lifestyle until they can balance their family cheque book. Do you agree/disagree with him and why?

I've some questions for Ah Keong:

a) I would like to know why does he think that the family cheque book needs to be balanced before he gets his own lifestyle balanced?

b) Where did he get the notion that only man have the responsibility to balance their family cheque book? Answer honestly.

c) At what figure (RM/USD ???) is considered, "balanced family cheque book"?

d) What is a balanced lifestyle?

e) What are your priorities in life? How much time do you spend based on your priorities? Does the time spent tally with your priorities? E.g. My priority is Family, Work, and Hobby. I spent 1 hour for family, 12 hours at work, and none for my hobby. Does it tally?

At this point, many will think that I'm attacking Ah Keong. I'm not, the questions is meant to trigger some soul searching. Some may feel angry, some will say, "I've not thought about it before" and some would 'just' read, period :-D. If we were to ask these same questions to 10 different men, most of them would answer differently.

To start with, we are not immortal, as time passes so does our youth, as time passes so does our opportunities. This may read as, work harder! Yea, right! Please don't jump the gun too soon, this applies to our entire life, including those that we missed out spending with our family. Balance is always read out as 50% this and 50% that, 50:50 la..

 I would like to differ in opinion. Have you every played tug of war? The games require two teams. A center line is drawn, an additional one line is marked 4 meters distance from the center line at each direction, a red ribbon is tied in the center of the rope and lastly a blue ribbon is tied about 15ft from the red ribbon at each direction. Two teams on the opposite site, when the whistle is blown, the games start! The goal: the first team that is able to pull the opposite blue ribbon across the center line wins! Balance is like Tug of War, it is rarely 50%:50%. Each side of the rope has tension, the strongest at any point of time will bring the rope out from the center line (red ribbon moving left and right from the center line). So, balance is like Tug of War, at different season/time there is different priority that need attention but it does not mean we abandoned another, its at a different percent all the time. One item does differ though, we should never allow the blue ribbon to reach as close to the center line (or blue ribbon crosses the center line), if it does, that is the signal of extreme in life. So here is my 2 cents, always try to stay as center as possible, the tension at both ends is necessary to keep the check and balance.

Men work to kill time, while time quietly kills them.

3)  "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times - always with the same person." (Mignon Mclaughlin). Based on your own personal experience, is it possible for the above to happen?

Each day passes, I discover something new about my wife. Ok.. maybe not day... sometimes weeks, months, sometimes years. And each day passes, I discover that I love her differently as a friend, companion and lover. Does that count? In our first year of our marriage, my wife cooked for me, I LOVE that. I never required my wife to cook! She cooked because her mother does it to make the family happy! She just followed suit.. Recently, in our fifth year of our marriage, we started to learn how to joke about some serious situations, we've got lots to learns in this area, and I LOVE her for it! Does that count?

I've not read anything written by Mignon Mclaughlin, I've no idea what she is talking about. I'll try to get the context right before I provide further comment. FYI, it takes years for me to read any book! Good luck waiting...

4) What is the most challenging aspect of being a father?

Taking care and pouring more LOVE to my wife! I always remind myself not to neglect my wife. It is so easy to put all my energy to my son but I always remind myself, DON"T neglect my best friend, my wife! Some will ask why.. its because a good wife is God given, two souls tied together as one, my son however, our souls are not tied together..

My wife and I will always be one, but not with my son, that is what I believe... My son will grow up and leave, have his own family. My wife, we will grow old together. The covenant between a hushband and wife is different from that of parents and child. And also, I've discovered that, if I love my wife more, naturally, I'll love my son more. But if I 'love' my son more, I may overlook my wife's needs. It also means, I do not neglect anyone, if I love my wife first.