Recently, there was a discussion on the radio about money issues being the main source of marital quarrels.
Agree/Disagree ?
In fact, a study by Jeffrey Dew, Utah State University, found that couples who argue about money once a week are 30% more likely to divorce than couples who disagree about finances few times a month.
Here are some common examples of how money issues can drive a wedge between couples:
- Wife complaining that Husband doesn't earn enough.
- Husband wants Wife to work to help pay for bills, whereas Wife wants to be full-time homemaker.
- Wife blames Husband for losing their savings in a bad investment choice.
- Wife earns less than Husband, but is expected to pay for all other household expenses while Husband pays for car and house loans.
- Husband thinks Wife spends too much on a handbag whereas Wife wouldn't be caught dead with an imitation Louis Vuitton.
- Husband/Wife feels spouse passes too much money to his/her own family members.
- Wife is hurt that Husband has not changed his insurance policy beneficiary to her instead of his sister.
The list is endless as it differs from couple to couple. Although the situation is unique to each couple, it all boils down to managing each other's expectations. For example, before we got married, my then fiance thought both of us should pay for future expenses equally. I, on the other hand, thought THE MAN should shoulder most of the financial burden as the woman would be shouldering a different kind of burden besides work: pregnancy, labour pain, child birth, breastfeeding pain, sleepless nights, childcare, managing household -- so wouldn't the woman be tipping the scale already as far as contributions are concerned?
Anyway, the pre-marital course we attended brought to light our differences due to our:
a) Family Upbringing
b) Financial Background
c) Financial Goals and Priorities.
To prevent such disputes, disciplined planning and budgeting are advocated.
Here are some more useful tips about solving money problems within marriage - summarized:
1. Communicate openly and honestly about:
i. Goals
ii. Limits
iii. Budget
2. Set Aside Selfishness
Simple, yet not so simple, right?
How else should couples iron out their $$$ disputes? And just for the fun of it, should husbands give wives a monthly allowance? Even if the wife is working and earning a salary? But if wives earn more, should they give husbands an allowance then?
Carpe Diem, ladies!
Becky
9 comments:
I don't expect hubby to give me monthly allowance if I'm still working, but now that I'm stay-home, then that would be a yes. Then how else do you maintain the house? Ideally it would be monthly household expenses + extra expenditure for the wife. Wife still needs to take care of herself rite? This is an ideal situation but I guess we do what we can during this crappy economy.
Both my husband and I are working and we only have one joint current account. Only after a few years, I then notice a lot of couples actually have separate accounts and that include my parents. Don't know why at that time, we just didn't think of having own personal account. So, now both income in one account. We also cannot differentiate how much is his and how much is mine.
However, I control most of the financial. We only have one ATM card and I'm holding it, ha ha ... But I'll make sure he has enough cash all the time in hand. So, I'm in-charge to pay all the bills and he's happy with that.
So, we seldom talk about financial. Unless we want to buy something expensive or do renovation, we'll discuss and plan.
Recently, a friend asked me ... what's my husband's response when he knew I'm pregnant and mine. She asked, don't we worry about financial as another kid coming, financial burden will increase. But money really never cross my mind when I know I'm pregnant. If we keep on looking on money, well, it will never be enough. Surely will have a lot of arguments.
This matter is certainly unique for every couple.
My husband and I have separate bank accounts. We also believe in a certain level of planning for children's education, retirement, investment..etc... not because money is an end in itself. But more for practical reasons e.g. we don't want to be a burden to children in the future, we want to avoid taking up a loan or remortgage our home to send our children to university..etc.
My hubby joked that I'm his retirement plan..hahaha, and I told him he better be nicer to me now!
for stay home moms, i'm sure eventually you'll go back to work either full or part time....
try not to have joint accounts and have separate individual accounts
in everything discuss in a mature manner as money is the root of all evils and many unpleasant and surprising words can come out of a person's mouth when money issues arise (you see your spouse in a deafeningly unpleasant light sometimes)
for stay home moms, little can be squeezed out for ourselves so sacrifice a bit for the first few years until the child (ren) can be more independent and you don't need to be changing their clothes every minute of the day...then you can save a bit for yourself
do keep in mind that when hubby gives you an allowance, do try to save at least RM150 from the allowance if possible for rainy days or when you want to pamper yourself...
eat more healthy by buying less sauces for cooking, cakes, biscuits
if you have time, make your desserts, cookies, breads
if no time or money, don't eat (sacrifice and have a lovely figure and beautiful skin drinking all that water)
it's a matter of sticking to your budget, resisting the supermarket items (you know they put all the yummies at the counter because they know after years of experiments and surveys, people will do impulsive buying at the cash counter so they place things there that will lure buyers to impulsively buy or buy when they are hungry and vulnerable (candy, chocolate, chewing gum, magazines,etc)
Hi Anonymous I'm with you on budgeting and resisting supermarket items strategically placed to tempt us.
Only that, it is not money but the LOVE of money that is the root of all evils.. (1 Tim. 6:10).. Money by itself is just a means to purchase things we want or need.
For a lovely figure, I would encourage a balanced meal coupled with exercise.
But yeah, definitely better if we can avoid unhealthful sauces which is part of our diet and make our own cakes/bread/biscuits...at least we won't put preservatives.
Hubby and I have joint accounts for all current, savings, and credit card. Just seems like that way we're more transparent with our finances..and whoever earns money is "our" money anyway. No difference. So irrelevant who earns more or less.
Whatever we earn go into a general pool that is for us/future kids. Of course if want to treat ourselves...it's not a problem either. I think it boils down to TRUST. Trusting that each party is a stewart of our finances...and not to be silly about it.
For me and hubby...we're generally really good at saving and we're both equally as frugal! hahaha. I suppose it helps that we both have the same standards when it comes to money spending..so it generally isn't an issue. Definitely agree that it will be hard if we had different standards! So i agree with you Becky, managing expectations. Have any of you read "Fit to be tied" by Bill Hybels? Good book. Highly recommend it.
I think it can't be too healthy if a couple is too calculative as well (i.e., "i spent $x this week..but hubby spent $x+$100! Not fair!"). I think that can become quite an obsessive mentality. Can't be too healthy!
I don't have any separate account though I'm working full-time-surprise, surprise!
i'm sure we've heard form our mums or grandmas that even during their time without banks, women who are usually financially dependent on their spouses must always have their own secret stash for financial security/freedom.
The reason for us to share our account is based on the principle that we're one and not 2 even when it comes to money.
We have a budget that covers general and personal stuff.
I personally find it tough sometimes because this means that we have to agree on how much we spend on almost everything.
But, I think that this process has made us work harder to compromise and negotiate during decision-making and understand each other better.
Practically, we do veer off the budget sometimes and modify accordingly ie categorise it broadly so that we each still have some space to make decisions eg a new set of earrings is ok if its within the clothing/accessories budget and use the misc. funds if something sudden crops up.
BB: yeah, so true that couples need to work on TRUST and not be calculative with each other whether it's money or other areas.
Laifchan: My mum always reminded me of that too i.e. it's better for women to have/keep their own money than to always ask for hubby.
I do think it's ideal if BOTH are like-minded in terms of budgeting and spending habits. But if one tends to be more of a spendthrift than the other, I think separate accounts is a way of keeping spending in check.
Again, managing expectations and honest communication helps.
BB, maybe u could summarize what "Fit to be Tied" is about? Perhaps we can pick up a few pointers...
Hi, i'm d husband of 1 of the mamas. i must say that i admire those couples tat hv single account. i never thought of it as ONE. as a matter of convenience, we came together with separate account, and we conveniently kept it that way.
as a man, i would want to think that i am the main breadwinner, providing everything including frills for wife. trust me, most men, real men do. the unfortunate truth, however, is that not many men out there earn so much at the early stage of the career, and i am one of the unlucky many. the income from the wife, if any, then comes in handy, at least to alleviate the burden. somehow i hv this uncanny feeling that most husbands dont hv much in the bank account while the wives do!
to the mamas out there, take time to thank your husband for trying to be a provider. it does wonders to his ego.
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