My hubby and I speak different languages - love languages, that is......To illustrate what I mean:
On special occasions, I absolutely loooove it if he were to write me a card detailing how much he loves me and appreciates all that I do, followed by a quiet dinner (without kids) when we would just catch up with each other. My favourite couple time activity recently was when we drove around town late at night (without kids), just....talking. (and I mean talk talk)
(My love language: Words of Affirmation & Quality Time)
On the other hand, for him, it just melts his heart when I take the trouble to cook his favourite Foochow dish -- mee sua in chicken soup for any occasion...card or no card.
(His love language: Acts of Service)
This book by Gary Chapman postulates that all of us have a primary love language and when love is expressed to us in our language, it keeps our 'emotional love tanks' full. I want to share this with all of you hoping that it'll help us to understand ourselves and our spouses better. I think most of the time, husband and wife conflicts occur because we are not expressing love to the other person in a way that is MOST meaningful to him/her e.g. "Why is he wasting money on flowers for me instead of fixing the broken tap like I asked him to?"
Here are the Five Love Languages:
#1 Words of Affirmation
Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love. This is one way to affirm your spouse. Speak encouraging words, kind words, humble words e.g. make requests not demands. Affirm your spouse in front of others when he/she is present. Write words of affirmation as written words have the benefit of being read over and over again.
If your spouse's love language is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION:
a) Write a love letter
b) Set a goal to compliment your spouse everyday for one month.
#2 Quality Time
Time together is not just about close proximity but about togetherness with focused attention on your spouse. One of the most common dialects of this language is quality conversation i.e. two individuals sharing their thoughts, experiences, feelings and desires in a friendly,uninterrupted context. Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, quality conversation focuses on what we're hearing. Tips on how to listen:
1) Maintain eye contact
2) Don't listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time
3) Listen for feelings
4) Observe body language
5) Refuse to interrupt
If your spouse's love language is QUALITY TIME:
a) Take a walk together..
b) Make a lunch appointment with your spouse
c) Ask your spouse for a list of 5 activities that he/she would enjoy doing with you.
d) Think of an activity which your spouse enjoys, but which brings little pleasure to you.
#3 Receiving Gifts
A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he was thinking of me." You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn't matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him.
If your spouse's love language is RECEIVING GIFTS:
a) Try a parade of gifts: Leave a box of candy, flowers delivered in the afternoon, a shirt in the evening..etc
b) Make a gift for your spouse
c) Give your spouse a gift everyday for one week.
#4 Acts of Service
In most societies, those who are great lord it over those who are small, but Jesus Christ said that those who are great would serve others -- including spouses even though that may require some of us to reexamine our stereotypes of the roles of husband and wife e.g. husband helping wife to change baby's diapers/mop the floor/hang the laundry..etc
If your spouse's love language is ACTS OF SERVICE:
a) Make a list of all the requests your spouse has made of you over the past few weeks. Select one of these each week and do it as an expression of love.
b) Give your spouse a love note accompanied by the act of service every three days for a month.
c) Get the children to help you with some act of service for him or her.
#5 Physical Touch
Holding hands, kissing, embracing and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one's spouse. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.
If your spouse's love language is PHYSICAL TOUCH:
a) As you walk from the car to the shopping mall, reach out and hold your spouse's hand.
b) When your spouse arrives at home, meet him or her one step earlier than usual and give your mate a big hug.
c) Initiate sex by giving your spouse a foot massage.
What is your love language? What is your spouse's love language? Try ranking the five love languages and comparing it with your spouse's ranking.
Carpe Diem, ladies!
Becky
33 comments:
I like to read Gary Chapman's book. The first book I read is The Five love Languages For Teenagers. Then, I bought the Five Love Languages for children but didn't find the one that becky post. Hmm ... maybe someday, I should borrow from you.
My husband's is Physical Touch and mine is Act of Service. Still ... even we know, is still not easy to do it.
However, I would say my pregnancy now is a blessing to us. Somehow, it has drawn us closer to each other. And maybe it's because, we easily speak each other's languages at this time.
Ss: your relationship with husband not so close before or you feel pregnancy drawn you into a closer different better relationship?
Hi Ss, you can always borrow that book from me anytime!
What are the Five Love Languages for Children and Teenagers? I don't have those books and I'd like to know... please share ya, Ss..
If I were to rank the love languages for myself, it would be:
1) Words of Affirmation
2) Quality Time
3) Acts of Service
4) Receiving Gifts
5) Physical Touch
I'm sure for my husband, the top two would be:
1) Physical Touch
2) Acts of Service
It's wonderful when both can speak the right primary love language to our spouses. Glad that the pregnancy somehow helps you, Ss!
They are many ways to express our love toward each other. Different couples different love languages.
I think, most of the men dislike woman's nagging. I try to control myself NOT to nag too much at home. If we have disagreement between each other we will try to solve it through compromise and MUST solved it immediately never ever bring the problem for OVERNIGHT!!
Once in a blue moon, we will take a day leave just only two of us. We spend time together such like watch movie at cinema, massage at Reflexology centre, shopping or try varieties of foods and etc...
Beside that, I will provide a proper home cook meal on weekday so that my husband will have more time rest and eat healthily.
Physical touch such like do massaging with one another. Apart from that, hugging together after bedtime including with our kid on bed is a way to express the closeness, secure and love.
Oh ya, remember and celebrate special day together such as birthday, anniversary, father or mothers' day.
Outing or traveling together will drawn closeness too!
Wow, elisenaf.. I like your outing ideas e.g. massage and trying different food..
So, do you really never,ever drag your problems overnight? How do you do that? That's a big struggle for me.. Who takes the initiative to talk it out first?
For my spouse love languages ranking i think should be:-
1) Physical touch
2) Act of service
3) Words of Affirmation
4) Quality Time
5) Receiving Gift
i have to agree about the nagging part.. men don't like to be nagged!
Not that women like nagging.... we only do that when men don't get the message the first time! or second.. or third... :)
Becky, remember never ever drag the problem til the next day. It is not good to have anger feeling on bed, back to back sleep (maybe whole night can't even sleep). So, better solve it within a day!! First give your spouse a cup of drink and start to say sorry between each other. Just a word of "Sorry" no matter who is wrong or who is right will calm each other down.
You're right, elisenaf...
In principle, it is right. In practice, it is also the right thing to do...
...........just very difficult for me to do that's all. :(
.... esp when I don't feel I'm wrong.
And if he feels that way too-- how to meet in the middle?
Becky, try to separate our "nagging" in different section so our spouse will easily digest in thier mind ! hahahahaa...
Sometimes they are too tired to listen so we have to find other suitable time to "nag" or repeat again such like after shower, after meal, after read newspaper or after watching TV.
No matter how serious is the disagreement is going on, at the end we still sleep together in one bed, eat together in one table and we still husband and wife.
nagging? I like to call it "failure on man's part to listen CAREFULLY and ATTENTIVELY"..no joke. If they heard us the 1st time and did what we mentioned or asked, we would have to say it a second time.
They say going to bed angry releases bad toxins into your body. It's best to talk it out and come to an agreement or agree to disagree on issue, kiss, make up and sleep. I must admit that if all works well, the couple will get lucky that night cause theirs nothing better than kiss and make up.
What if I can't list any of those love languages and neither can my spouse? Does that make us dysfunctional? or are we going thru the mumbo jumbo them altogether cause we have kids and other things that take up our time so we have to grab the quality time, touch time, gift giving and receiving time, etc. where we can?
Becky:
Mine would be
1) Quality Time
2) Acts of Service
3) Words of Affirmation
4) Receiving Gifts
5) Physical Touch
During those high times of the month (you know, those peak areas in a woman's cycle), I have to admit that Physical touch gets bumped up from 5) to 1) so my hubby will have a big smile on his face.
For hubby:
1) Acts of Service
2) Physical Touch
3) Quality Time
4) Words of Affirmation
5) Receiving Gifts
1) & 2) might get blurred bcuz you know men and Physical Touch but he does love his home cooked meals. He's a man of little words so 4), whether he receives or not, is no big deal even tho he doesn't have to do the talking or write anything. As for 5), hubby thinks "save money", no need for gifts, just give me more of 2)....drooling most of the time, poor fella!
More details on how I achieve my husband's love languages:
1) Acts of service - Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and sometimes Friday mornings, he gets a hearty warm breakfast with his coffee or tea.
2) Quality time is going Tuesday mornings to the wet market together followed by breakfast with our CG leader and his wife and Friday market as well. It's a time when it so early there aren't many cars around and we can drive leisurely home.
4) Words of affirmation...I will ask him how his day was and see what he has to say, but he is a man of little words so when he does talk, I listen really attentively.
After 15 years together, there is still so much more to learn about each other, so much more things that surprise us, makes us laugh, makes us love each other, makes us irritated of each other, makes us thank God for every moment He gives us with each other.
The important word in Gary Chapman's title is LOVE.
Anonymous: I can't help but agree with you :).... Why are men are so sharp at work,but once they reach home they switch into 'OFF' mode? Sometimes I get so upset with my other half because I can ask him to buy something in the morning, call him at work about it again, remind him in the evening --- and he still forgets! Now, I just go "sigh......" Ok, this is not husband bashing time.. hahahaha!! Still love him - just also have to accept him warts and all -- as he has done for me!
No language: Well, whatever works for you. They're all important, after all.
Delighted: 15 years is a long time! But you and hubby seem to be still going strong! I hope we'll be like that after 15 years of marriage!
Hey gals, any husbands whose first two love languages do not include Physical Touch? just wondering, that's all....
Ya, before this I think we started to have a gap between us. I'm busy with kids stuff most of the time and I'm usually about more than 1 week before my monthly period, I'll get very uncomfortable. He understand that but he needed physical touch too but I just couldn't give him. And, I'm busy with a lot of things, hoping he will help too but most of the time, also couldn't do it as he's tired after work. So, I will feel that it's unfair too as I'm full time working too but I still have to do all this.
This pregnancy, I'm very sick and uncomfortable but I longed for his touch and he is happy with that. And surprisingly, he is helping with most housework too and I'm happy with it. So, we are both happy and going back to the love that we've lost for quite sometimes. Just before this pregnancy, I prayed to God to change our relationship. A closer relationship. But I never expect to get pregnant. Couldn't accept this truth in the beginning but am accepting and glad to feel and see the changes between my husband and I.
The Five Love Languages For Teenagers and Children basically is still the same principle. They all have this Five Love Languages depend which is stronger. So, we can use the same way to know which Love Languages that our kids speak and try to speak their Love Languages where they can most easily feel loved.
Ss: Praise God, answered prayer on the changed relationship!
Becky: Haven't met a man where Physical Touch isn't #1. They are visible beings. Like the saying goes, they are like microwaves and we are like ovens in the bedroom. I do think there are men where Physical Touch isn't #1 but I don't think it's appropriate to label them on this blogsite...probably #1 is Words of Affirmation or Quality Time. I hope you know what type of men I'm talking about...if not think hard!
Delighted: Actually,I think I'm a slow cooker as far as bedroom is concerned.. hahahaha! Poor hubby.... has to work harder to 'turn me on'!
haha, my hubby is a rare species indeed.
not that physical touch is not important to him but i think words of affirmation and quality time are high on his list.
come to think of it, i think he's got a 'feminine' sensitive side to him while I'm sometimes a bit 'masculine'!
Don't get me wrong, we're bot heterosexual, haha.
Just that in terms of personality, he's a more patient listener while I tend to cut to the chase/bottomline and am more goal-oriented while he's a more 'lets enjoy the journey, process, take it easy' kinda guy.
As for physical touch, its both pretty high on both our lists, just that physical touch is a very broad term-and that's where we differ too!
Yeah, the typical alpha male enjoys a quickie while the ladies usually 'slow-cook'.
However, the difference between my hubby & I are that muah anticipates more physical intimacy with most forms of physical touch whilst hubby is sometimes just happy to stay at '1st base' and when he's in the mood, muah has to be 'jumpstarted'!
Well, after close to 5 yrs, we're learning to meet in the middle, I'm learning to just enjoy simple physical touch while hubby is slowly learning to 'slow-cook' me :)
:D
laifchan: Your hubby sounds like the 'wife' and you the 'husband'! haha..
Guess everyone is just different but somehow between couples, opposites still attract? For some reason or other (of course, maybe not for all couples), most of us tend to end up with people who have characteristics opposite to ours.
BTW, don't know if you guys notice Amazon Search below which immediately crawls through the post content and starts to advertise relevant materials. Books in US are so cheap! (without conversion) So economical and affordable for ppl over there to purchase literature. Books like that here would cost at least RM 40, soft cover! So if you guys are interested, check out the Amazon ads, might get something interesting...
I would like to recommend this book, it's a follow up to the Five Love Languages, I read it a long time a ago but i forgot most of it, will get back to you guys with a preview.
Or you can head out to this link and have a read yourself.
http://books.google.com.my/books?id=07QpdD7JYVoC&printsec=frontcover&dq=now+you're+speaking+my+language,+gary+chapman&source=bl&ots=WTjz20viKO&sig=KLGPN4iJ-pkP_4mKNhU0GkYND9Q&hl=en&ei=dvwvTKvCHoeZrAeG-PXzBQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=3&ved=0CCAQ6AEwAg#v=onepage&q&f=false
Hi ladies! Just a friend of Becky's from way back. But thought I'll respond to "No language's" comment.
My husband and I read this book before we got married...and I found out that I don't have a "clear" language either! To be honest..i need all those languages to feel loved! my poor hubby has to love me in almost everyway for me to fill up my "love tank"! So yea..don't think u're dysfunctional!
I also think that this book like most books in this genre are a gross generalisation. I suits most ppl..but for some others..it's just doesn't apply. so don't take it personally! i think as long as you understand that the book is aimed to help couples realise that different ppl feel loved differently and to be graceful to each other!
so for you and your husband. even if the book doesn't apply...don't fret! just understand how to love each other in your own special way!
=)
I would say all of us actually speaks all the five languages but for some, maybe one or two is stronger. Or maybe for BB's case, all applied. Ok, your poor hubby need to use all those five languages to fill up your love tank. But is it the same for your hubby? Does your hubby speak particular love languages mentioned in the book? If all doesn't apply, what's the things that make you feel most loved? There must be something, right.
I realise, we have been busy with a lot of routine works, kid's studies, housework, office work, etc. For me, I hardly have time to think for my hubby. I feel that i'm already too busy, you are a grown up already, you can handle yourself. However, nowadays when I got morning sickness during this pregnancy, everything slow down. I can't check on my girl's school work tightly and starting this half year, I already explain and tell her to handle by herself. And i think this is also a way for her to be more independent and to know better about her own school work.
When everything for me start to slow down, I start to look towards my hubby and realise I've really done very little for him all this while. Probably hormon changes during pregnancy, it just drawn me towards him and realise how much I needed him and realise how much he loves me. Before this, I'm probably just too busy to look at him.
I think if there is one shortcoming we wives are prone to commit (maybe not all) , it would be to neglect our husbands while we are busy being mothers. I have met a few moms who said between their roles as wives and mothers, being a mother tends to come first.....
Me too - Mother role comes first. And I think that's why before this my relationship with my husband started to have a gap. Suddenly, he's so far from me. Well, probably I'm the one who is far from him.
Becky: have to agreed 3000% with you. Once ladies become mothers, the husbands get neglected....we are too focused on kids and put them on the burner. I know one lady, she would do anything for her children and own family rather than husband and his family. That's sad when we are one-sided or child-sided.
We have to remember the other party (our dear husband) who provided that one "just one" sperm that helps us produce that beautiful child (ren) and then love him more than our own children at times.
We ladies have to remember who was first in our lives before the children came and then maybe we can find that special hour or two with our husband once the kids are attended to.
And to see him as the man we fell in love with rather than a repairman, our assistant with the kids, babysitter when we go out...
I think we have to also acknowledge men have come a long way compared to our dads' generation. They're more willing to help with domestic tasks and more sensitive, understanding towards us wives... yes? :)
And also bare in mind, is our husband who will be by our side, with us till old, not our kids. Another 10 yrs, 15 yrs or 20 yrs, our kids will have their own family and leave us (I don't mean abandone us but they will have their own life). So, cherish our the other half and maintain a good relationship with him.
With all things said, let's look at our husband's love language and try to apply it this week. They'll wonder what is happening to us because we are more than normal...weird with a change in actions and behaviour...let's put our love into action.
Mine is physical touch first so I guess this week my bed will be super occupied and busy...hahaha...!
O-Kaaaay.... thank u for sharing that!
:D hahaha....
My husband's love language is mainly quality time and physical touch. so i do try to fill his love tank that way. but then again, i think it's easier for us at the moment cause we don't have any kids. and are still newly weds (only 1.5yrs so far!)
for me? my hubby does a lot to make me feel loved. and i must say i'm very lucky cause i can be so demanding sometimes! lol. so i have everything to be thankful for that!
but i totally agree. never neglect your relationship btwn husband and wife. that is so impt..and i think the more loving you are as a couple...the better it'll be for ur kids as well =)
BB ... Looks like you have a head start when you're aware of that! :) Let us know when you have little ones!! And how both of you maintain ur love languages by then!
Welcome to our group by the way!
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