Man Talk - Ben

 


Name: Ben

Location: Kuching, Malaysia

Age: 32 

Married for 6 years.

1) What aspect of your marriage do you find most challenging and which aspect, most endearing?

Ben: I find the differences in values and habits as most challenging. Each of us holds different sets of values and habits and once we got married and started living under one roof, suddenly the differences that we once cherished as unique became the cause of frictions. For example, family bond is of utmost importance to me, and this includes relatives. I want to visit my family members & relatives as often as possible and want my children to develop close ties with them. My wife, on the other hand, thinks differently. She prefers to focus on our nucleus family.

Most endearing is to know that marriage means having a close confidante. My wife listens to me, she is my reflection, my solace, my pride and my strength. It pays to have a second view on everything.

2) What do you think about the practice of 'one-ness' in everything husbands and wives do including the symbolic gesture of having only one bank account or sharing only one blanket when they sleep? (I have a friend who insisted that he and the Mrs. must use only one quilt and not separate ones)

Ben: No, not a big deal to me. In essential matters, oneness, in non-essential matters, liberty. For example, it is essential to practice oneness by living together, under one roof to preserve and develop the marriage. However, in others, like bank accounts or for that matter blankets, I am liberal. I think it is more important to be able to develop trust between each other. No point if the couple have a joint account but they have to justify and argue over every expenditure just because the spouse can not trust the partner’s decision. Without trust, possibly the spouse may hoard or hide certain information from the partner. What’s the point then?

3) There is a saying that goes, "Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you." What is your take on this as far as communication between couples are concerned?

Ben: I always think that connecting with my wife is very important. It will be weird if I can’t connect with the person lying next to me every night! That sounds more like a housemate or roommate! Connecting, however, involves participation from both parties, to have both the airtime and listening as well. However, when men come back from work, sometimes it takes a longer time to unwind from his work, especially if it has been a tough day. Men also have a cave mentality. Sometimes men just have to run to the cave to unwind. Once done, he is back to normal, and I mean really normal without any emotional baggage from earlier. on. For wives out there, yeah I know you want to be pampered by your dear husband once he comes back from work, but remember sometimes the timing may not be to your favour. However, if the husband constantly needs his space and cave, then I think he is not being fair to his wife.

4) It is said that "men would rather be respected more than loved..". Do you think that is true and how should wives play their part to keep their spouses happy?

Ben: This “respect” thing can build or tear a man apart (due to lack of it) . For me, I want my wife to respect me in the way she treats me. Imagine if a wife were to look down on the poor husband, and over time, he will become a timid person, a loser if you like. It becomes a negative spiral. I think a mutual respect will build the marriage towards a positive spiral and ultimately a successful marriage. Everybody wants happy marriages and it takes two to tango. So the husband cannot expect the wife to respect him if he can’t respect her. For my definition, marriage is a partnership.

Appreciation: Thank you, Ben, for sharing with us!