( Note: I was informed by one of the members that she has been receiving notification for new entries, but after checking, discovered there was none. If you've been experiencing this, my apologies! Everytime I draft a new entry, I'll publish it just to see what the end result looks like-- I wasn't aware it might be clogging your email box! So, I can assure you it won't happen again, ya? Please give me your feedback every now and then so such 'annoyances' don't occur. Thanks!)
When my eldest girl was born, I was a very idealistic mama. I wanted to do EVERYTHING right and by the book. So when it comes to discipline and behaviour management, I did not want to resort to the Asian staple - the rattan. So, other methods e.g. positive & negative reinforcements, time-out, plenty of reasoning & communicating at her eye level, a lot of hugs and kisses..etc worked for me---right until between the ages of 3 to 4...and still counting..
When my eldest girl was born, I was a very idealistic mama. I wanted to do EVERYTHING right and by the book. So when it comes to discipline and behaviour management, I did not want to resort to the Asian staple - the rattan. So, other methods e.g. positive & negative reinforcements, time-out, plenty of reasoning & communicating at her eye level, a lot of hugs and kisses..etc worked for me---right until between the ages of 3 to 4...and still counting..
Suddenly, my angel took on a Jekyll and Hyde persona. Most times, she could be super-sweet that she would melt your heart. And I thank the Almighty I'm the blessed mother of such a loving child. Other times, she made me wish I had a remote control so I could put her in 'pause' mode while I cool down.
One case scenario: She wanted ice-cream before lunch, I said no as it would spoil her appetite, she started whining, I was firm. Then, it started.. she screamed, wailed, kicked, shook her body like jelly, crying, "I want, I want, I want!!!!!" all the way, from the car park, across the playground, past the gym (we live in an apartment), the lobby, all the way in the elevator right up to 11th floor, out of the elevator, in the hallway, in our room... My reasoning fell on deaf ears, she wouldn't sit in the chair for time-out, ignoring her only made her scream louder...
Now, dear mamas, if your child were to behave that way, what would you have done?
If all else fails, and if I think that my child needs a spanking, I adhere to the following ground rules:
Do:
1) Use that as a last resort
2) Make sure I am calm and of sound mind i.e. not in a blind rage!
3) Explain to the child why her action warranted such a measure before and after it's executed. Always make up after that. Remind her I still love her.
4) Keep it relevant - it should immediately follow the undesirable behaviour, not 3 hours later, so my child can relate the action to the consequences.
5) Short & Sweet - I think the first sting of pain is sufficient to drive home the message
Don't:
1) Spank in public - I want to address the behaviour, not humiliate or scar my child even if it is in front of her siblings.
2) Vent - I'm not taking out my frustration on my child and then calling it 'discipline'
3) Hurt her - I don't want to injure her by using anything with a barbed or sharp end e.g. a branch, a belt buckle, clothes hanger
4) Correct mistakes with it - I reserve spanking for actions which she knows she shouldn't commit, I don't use it to punish mistakes e.g. writing/spelling/reading/not getting A's, spilling, breaking something or anything else that is accidental
5) Overdo it - in everything, moderation is the key. I don't want this to damage our relationship or have my child distance herself from me.
What do I use?
Honestly, I don't have a rattan. I use a wooden spatula. The flat end just causes a slight sting, not scars.
Pros
I think it is effective at first.
Cons
-Not so effective after a long time unless I hit harder or more, which I don't want to do.
-Also, my child will start to imitate me by either hitting me or her sibling, which again is something I do not want. How do you explain to her Mummy can hit you but you cannot hit Mummy?
So, mamas what do you think? Is there anyway we can bring up our kids without spanking? And will they turn out alright ? Or do you believe spanking is necessary sometimes?
At the end of the day, bear in mind that your child was once like this: an innocent baby, a sweet and loving child... and we want only the best for him/her... We just don't want them to turn out like this:
(Most of the views expressed here are my own...)
Carpe Diem, ladies!
becky
36 comments:
I attended a bible study class by the Navigators on child discipline. I only attended for 2 classes (I think just for the 1st chapter). Just from the 1st chapter, it says that canning is the way to discipline with bible verses supported. I tried to find the book (in my office) but couldn't find it, probably at home. And to discipline and to train the child to have discipline can be as early as a few months old. At that time, if you talk, they won't understand. The easiest way to let them know "NO" is pain. And the years to can/spank them, I think is from as early as few months to the most 3 yrs old (depend). Why ... because, they won't remember you canning/spank them at that age. If you try to think back about what happen to us when we are 3 yrs old, I bet most of us will have very blur memory. We don't want them to remember us canning/spank them so that will be the time we teach them discipline.
Of course, spank or can still need to follow by talking.
My children, we seldom spank them (I never use can, only use my hand) but we do spank them.
Now, they grow older, I scold them instead of spank/can and talked to them / reasoning. But you know kids ... sometimes scolding also doesn't work but when I start counting "1,2 ..." before I say "3" they will stop. Actually, I also don't know why ... I think I always say "If I count to "3" and you still don't stop, I will ... (I leave it blank for them to imagine what i will do .. haha)". So, now if I start counting, they will start to tidy up, stop the things that I say "no" ... etc. But once in a while, if they overdo and do not stop, I still spank (like once or twice in a year). But always followed by reasoning. Let them know why.
Hi Ss, I wonder which book your study was based on. However, I have to disagree with the part about spanking babies as young as few months old. Discipline is actually a very broad definition which I'll write about soon. Anyway, I don't believe we should spank babies simply because at that age,they're only doing things which are developmentally natural e.g. exploring, pulling or breaking things..etc. In their minds, they're going 'What happens if I do this? Ohhh, I see!!' They're not being disobedient, rude, rebellious..etc. So, if we spank them when they're only exploring and curious, they won't understand what they're being punished for. They may stop certain actions, but only because out of fear, not out of understanding.
ya, I agree with you becky that there does not seem to be any acceptable rationale for spanking babies who do not have the cognitive maturity to understand cause and effect. At that tender age, most instincts are basic and punishing them when they cry (how else to communicate?) for their needs (physical & emotional) to be met is not on. 'Training' babies as young as few months old so they are disciplined','obedient'and stick to a rigid schedule for convenience is also not on.
The principles that you've listed down for spanking appear reasonable.
Just wonder how did the ice-cream story end?:)
Ya, maybe not as early as few months old coz' I myself don't do that but books say so. Can't remember the detail ... need to check it out. But I do believe 'pain' do help them to learn. Spank might be a strong word. Usually I only hit with my hand, not necessary to hit hard, they'll know. I don't use can coz' using my hand, I can control.
Yes, I understand that for westerner is a definite "NO" to spank or canning. I heard in New Zealand, there's a law, if parents spank/can or just a light hit on the kids, they can end up held in police station overnight. But i still don't think they are definitely right on this. I do heard from highschool teachers saying how difficult for them to teach the kids.
So, I will still think that 'hit' is one of the way to teach them discipline. We all love our kids. We don't want them to get hurt ... our heart break if we hit them. That's mother's love. Ya, I know babies explore and learn from touching, putting things in their mouth and tasting it, etc. I don't mean to hit them when they do all things. As a mother, we pray to have the wisdom to judge. We do not simply hit our kids. But to teach them the definite "NO", I think is important.
I think i can count with my fingers how many times I've hit them. Not much but enough to let them know my "NO". Not only for my "NO". It will help them to make decision in future. To know what is right or wrong.
I think this is an interesting topic. Parents will have different view on this. Every kids have different character. So, I think there won't be a definite way to discipline the child.
Ss I agree with you every child is different so should be dealt with differently.
I'm not totally against spanking. I do think that some kids who are foul-mouthed for example need spanking to correct their behaviour. The traditional-grandmother method is to rub chillies on the kids' mouths.. haha..what do you guys think?
I wonder if the book you're referring to is Babywise by Gary Ezzo. If it is, I suggest take caution coz he's controversial and not all his teachings are right..
spanking babies definitely a 'no,no' !!
to laifchan: I did spank her on the hand, after that (with immediate effect), she stopped and apologized. After that, she was back to angel mode.
No, not that writer. I try to find it. As i said, i only attended 2 classes.
By the way, I wonder does anybody know of people from diverse cultures who can comment on this matter? e.g. immigrant in a Western country, people from other Asian countries i.e Korea, Japan, India..etc, people born and bred in a Western country, a Westerner in an Asian country...etc. It would be interesting to know how different cultures handle this matter ! :)
i do think to a certain level spanking is necessary. any of you watched nanny 911? my goodness, the nerve some of those kids have to hit their parents or throw things at them. and the parents just let them.
anyways, i do resort to spanking as a last resort and even when we do it, we must have that self-awareness and control in us to spank with love and not out of rage.
there were many days when my boy, as young as he is, just wants to be difficult for no reason. so far i just ignore him but i kinda dread to think how he will be like when he turns 2.
my husband tends to resort to canning and yelling first so here is another problem, what if both parents have different methods of dealing with tantrums? He will scold and discipline and then be loving towards them, whereas im more the opposite. as i said...last resort. How do you meet halfway in this matter?
my son has two circles on the back of his head, and old beliefs dictates that he is going to grow up very naughty and rebellious. Frankly, i think this is utter rubbish and i get really offended when complete strangers walk up to us and pigeon hole my son that way.
i was pre-warned that boys tend to not hear anything past the first two words. how do you grab their attention without resorting to corporal punishment?
my son by nature is such a sweet, happy boy so i don't ever want that to go away with canning.
When both parents have different methods or mindsets, I think you two better sit down and talk properly first to sort out this matter. Maybe both walk the middle line?
Nowadays, when information about child development is so readily available, I don't think parents should just say, "Hey, I was brought up this way, I turned out fine, so why not my child?" And I think the word 'naughty' is often used to describe behaviours we don't understand. Children are not just 'naughty', they may be curious, they may want to be independent, they may be attention-seeking, they're not just 'naughty'.
I was brought up in a household where one parent caned first, talk later.Frankly, I think that has done a lot of damage in terms of parent-child relationship as well as the self-esteem of the child. and how would we know if one day the child becomes 'immune' to caning and just continue the wrong doing behind our backs? That's why I think it's so important to address the issue and behaviour as well as our expectations instead of just caning.
By the way, tell those strangers to mind their manners! Who gives them the right to label a child just by looking at his head?
WELCOME TO OUR GROUP, BRENDA!! Feel free to ask ques or share ur experience ya?
To becky :Just wonder whether you have read babywise book? as you seem to dislike it alot.
To ss : here's the verses you may be looking after on spanking
Prov 13:24 "he who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly."
Prov 22:15 "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from him"
Prov 23:13-14 "Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, and deliver his soul from hell."
And yes, of course, i agree very much that we should spank only when we r still in good mind n not out of rage.
I must admit i struggle with my anger a lot... and these verses helped me thro a lot.
Psalm 145:8-9 "The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and great in mercy. The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works."
James 2:13 "Mercy triumphs over judgement"
Dear Anonymous, I will put up an entry about Babywise practices that I have reservations with sometime in the next 2 weeks to explain why I 'dislike it a lot'. It will make an interesting discussion I'm sure. :)
its great to have scriptures quoted that appear to support the use of a 'rod' as a tool of discipline
However, I think we have to understand that sometimes language is used metaphorically and caution needs to be exercised so that scriptures are not interpreted too literally out of context.
Otherwise we would have to gouge our eyes out and become blind each time we commit a sin (probably on a daily basis)
I am of the personal opinion that physical punishment is necessary under certain circumstances and its probably better to focus on biblical principles rather than become too dogmatic or rigid.
Haha, easy for me to philosophize and pontificate now. Wait till my little one approaches the 'terrible twos'!
Thanks Anonymous for the verses. I'm the kind who understand but difficult to remember the exact details and words.
Please don't spank the kids too often. When really want to spank and discipline, get serious and make it once and for all. Not easy though ...
Ok, perhaps I can comment on this even tho i'm chinese but raised 25 years in Canadian culture
from my experience, Ang mows don't spank, they give time outs and verbally speak to the child...for many it works, but for the majority, the kids get away with MURDER
But you don't hv to be ang mow (caucasian) to have that type of living or thinking
I have a couple friend in canada who are both from south east asia but citizens in canada who don't believe in spanking but talking nicely to the kids...their kids are well behaved with the ocassional bullying parents into getting their ways
Then there are those from within our SEAsia region who don't spank also but use wise words of warning or consequences to discipline kids and it works...it really does.
My Liz, I started at age 2 to count to 5 and now I don't even have to start with 1 and she gets the picture.
I used to spank my boy a lot for his lack of obedience and my two girls less esp oldest...she hardly got spanked but I find that spanking is a reaction to my volcanic anger or lack of controlling my temper or listening to them begging please please please.
Many times when I reflect in the moment of, esp Liz's begging, I realize it's cuz I'm not patient enough to discipline through words and want an immediate reaction of obedience to my commands or understanding or rules.
For a few weeks I used to tell Liz, she's not a dog (even tho she's born in the year of the dog so don't beg).
The other day she said to me, Mom, I'm not a dog. I don't beg. So you see, persistent conversations with her and getting to understand the whys of why she can't or shouldn't do this or that will prevale in the end.
Now I try not to spank and use by verbal abilities to get through to my kids. Occasionally, the tone of my voice will change and then they know I'm volcanicking up again...hehehe.
When I look at my two oldest, I'm always reminded how fast they grow up and as they reach their teens, how they will hibernate from us, their parents for a few years and then wake up and they're in their twenties so with them and esp now with the little one I've learned to live every day moment by moment, with the play time mess, school books, this and that lying around and clean up patiently and throughout the day.
I know all the mess will stop one day when I'm in my 60s and don't want to regret getting boiled up over small insignificant issues like household mess, begging for candy and ice cream, eating b4 dinner only to eat very little for dinner, not doing homework when told or doing homework or revision as well.
Many times, it starts with me in terms of initiating what needs to be done and whether they understood what is required of them.
I hope you all understand what I'm saying..I think I blabbed too much and into confusion.
v glad we can help each other
to laifchan: I agree with you about bible's language should also be understood metaphorically and not literally depending on context. That was the justification used in the household I grew up for not sparing the rod resulting as I said, in a lot of social-emotional damage......
to wheatgrass: so may I summarize, what you're saying is we mums don't have to get too worked up over little 'problems' cos one day the kids are going to outgrow them (and us!)but instead we should communicate our expectations clearly to them?
many things are due to lack of communication or information...let's try to convey to our little ones what we desire and require of them
just think of this, if experts (paediatricians) think that the baby inside a mother's womb is able to hear what she is saying as well as the noise around her, what does that tell you about a child at age 2 or 3 and what they are capable of understanding
most times, we as parents have little patience in them receiving our directives and then waiting waiting for them to react and respond...we should try to repeat and repeat until they understand and then know that we won't give in and believe it or not, the crying or whining does stop but only after soreness rings in our ears
Hi Becky,
Sometimes it's really hard to control my temper when i see what my kids does. From one to another, they really make me burst. I tried to reason with them why they should and should not do this and that. For example, they just do don't know how to tidy up their toys after playing. They will make the whole place messy and will leave that room and move to another room and mess the 2nd room too. I just couldn't understand why. Previously, I'll just grab a 'balloon' stick and hit them on their thigh. Then I stop doing that because I feel the pain too. I try the softer way by telling them nicely. But it doesn't work either. So I couldn't stand it anymore and at times, I was harsh on them. I don't want to speak harsh words on them, but I really cannot control my temper.
Today, they mess the room with paintings all over the place, and even on their clothes, body and face. Later, they drop the whole stainless steel laundry holder and all my clothing were on the floor. I grab the nearest balloon stick and hit them. I was so hurt doing it, mad at the same time. All they did was just crying.
I really feel ashamed to tell u all these but sometimes I just don't know how to deal with them.
Hi Anonymous, i feel your pain! It's not easy having to manage a few kids and wanting our home to stay tidy. Please don't feel ashamed as we're all human and I don't think there's such a thing as being a perfect mom with perfect kids (not in real life anyway). As Wheatgrass shared (since most of her kids have grown), one day our kids will grow up and out of the mess, the noise, all the untidiness.. so why not enjoy them while they're young?
I think as mothers we have to set realistic expectations for our children. I am always reminding my daughter to pack up after she's done playing from the time she was 2 yrs old till now (coming to 5)--she does it, but it's not perfect.My home looks like it is constantly hit by a tsunami of toys after a tornado of books, papers, crayons, socks..etc have passed through.. I nag, I scold too. After awhile, I just shake my head, sigh and go "Oh what the heck!" push the mess aside, and life goes on...
At the same time, I think I have to be a good model of tidiness to my child--which I'm not! I TRY! I TRY! But I'm not super tidy either.. sometimes my paperwork pile up on my desk, my bed, the chair, the floor... so how can I expect my child to be perfectly tidy when her mother is such a scatterbrain!?
The point is, don't be so hard on yourself, and don't be so hard on your kids. Take it easy and enjoy your kids.. cos a time will come when they leave home, then our home will be very tidy.. but very quiet too. So, let's make home a place they want to come back to, ya?
Take comfort, Anonymous, you're not alone! Right, mummies out there?
Anonymous, I know how you feel about mess such as toys, but do realize that this will go on and on no matter how many times they play. Just communicate with them that they need to clean it up. Initially I suggest that you get down on your hands and knees and clean it up with them. After a few times, you have to explain to them that THEY played and made the mess so it's time that THEY clean it up and mommy isn't going to help anymore.
As for the paint thing, that would drive me up the wall. I myself would supervise them so that none of it gets anywhere where it can't be removed, walls, furniture etc.
A lot of times, we have to supervise otherwise they'll get out of hand.
When Home and Discovery Channel on Astro used to be free, I used to watch the mommy shows where I see children playing in a room and messing it up and the mommy(ies) would pick and clean up at the very end of the day. We're talking toddlers and babies here. To me, their actions spoke a lot. They were able to play and let the child play and make a mess knowing that at the end of the day when the child is zzzz away, they can quietly and without interruption, clean the mess up knowing no child will come and destroy it until the next day.
Try not to use the balloon stick to hit them and don't do it when you are full of anger. Take a deep breath, count to 10 and let your kids know using words why you are so upset. They mustn't be playing when you are trying to talk to them...get their full attention. One time, I was so frustrated I cried in front of my kids. After that, they were more sensitive to my requests for clean up.
Most of the time, after we spank the kids, we as mother will feel very bad too, very hurt inside us. Anonymous, don't get too upset too. We mothers all go through the same thing. You are not alone. I'm sure all of us once in a while, we'll get out of control and burst. If your child is old enough to listen, followed by talking. If you really think you have over do it, maybe can apologize but at the same time explain to your kid why your are so angry. Not sure can or not ... expert pls advise but i do apologize to my kids when i know i scold them too loud due to my own temper and at that time, my girl will also apologize to me and end with a squeezing hug.
You know, I think it's a great thing when parents can humble ourselves and apologize when we're wrong. The old-fashioned way would never allow that, saying that if parents 'give in' (even though they may be wrong), then children will 'climb on top of their heads'.
I think when parents apologize when we're wrong, we are setting a priceless example to our kids. We are after all their role models. If we always teach them to say 'sorry' but never do so ourselves, that message will not hold water. On the other hand, when we model that, that in itself is an unforgettable teaching/learning experience for kids.
Anyway, it's just the right thing to do, isn't it? To apologize when we're wrong--be it to our spouse, friends, colleagues, boss.. why should it be any different with our kids?
Thanks everyone.
comment
Becky, in response to your comment "my child will start to imitate me by either hitting me or her sibling, which again is something I do not want. How do you explain to her mummy can hit you but you cannot hit mummy", I'd like to quote from Dr James Dobson's best-selling book "The New Dare to Discipline" which was first published in 1970 and reprinted in 1992. To those unfamiliar with Dr James Dobson, he is a licensed psychologist and marriage, family, and child counselor, specialising in child development for the past 50 years and counting. He is the founder and chairman of nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, and has written numerous best-selling books on parenting, marriage and family.
Here's an excerpt from the question/answer section of the book "The New Dare to Discipline" p.60:"Question: I have never spanked my three-year-old because I am afraid it will teach her to hit others and be a violent person. Do you think I am wrong? Answer: You have asked a vitally important question that reflects a common misunderstanding about child management. First, let me emphasize that it is possible...even easy...to create a violent and aggressive child who has observed this behavior at home. If he is routinely beaten by hostile, volatile parents, or if he witnesses physical violence between angry adults, or if he feels unloved and unappreciated within his family, the child will not fail to notice how the game is played. Thus, corporal punishment that is not administered according to the very carefully thought-out guidelines is a dangerous thing. Being a parent carries no right to slap and intimidate a child because you had a bad day or are in a lousy mood. It is this kind of unjust discipline that causes some well-meaning authorities to reject corporal punishment altogether.
Just because a technique is used wrongly, however, is no reason to reject it altogether. Many children desperately need this resolution to their disobedience. In those situations when the child fully understands what he is being asked to do or not to do but refuses to yield to adult leadership, an appropriate spanking is the shortest and most effective route to an attitude adjustment. When he lowers his head, clenches his fists, and makes it clear he is going for broke, justice must speak swiftly and eloquently. Not only does this response not create aggression in a boy or girl, it helps them control their impulses and live in harmony with various forms of benevolent authority throughout life. Why? Because it is in harmony with nature, itself. Consider the purpose of minor pain in a child's life."
To be continued...
continued...
From the book "The New Dare to Discipline" by Dr James Dobson p.61 "Suppose two-year-old Peter pulls on a tablecloth and a vase of roses on which it rests tips over the edge of the table, cracking him between the eyes. From this pain, he learns that it is dangerous to pull on the tablecloth unless he knows what sits on it. When he touches a hot stove, he quickly learns that heat must be respected. If he lives to be a hundrerd, he will never again reach out and touch the red-hot coils of a stove. The same lesson is learned when he pulls the doggy's tail and promptly receives a neat row of teeth marks across the back of his hand, or when he climbs out of his high chair when Mon isn't looking and discovers all about gravity.
For three or four years, he accumulates bumps, bruises, scratches, and burns, each one teaching him about life's boundaries. Do these experiences make him a violent person? No! The pain associated with these events teaches him to avoid making the same mistakes again. God created this mechanism as a valuable vehicle for instruction.
Now when a parent administered a reasonable spanking in response to willful disobedience, a similar nonverbal message is being given to the child. He must understand that there are not only dangers in the physical world to be avoided. He should also be wary of dangers in his social world, such as defiance, sassiness, selfishness, temper tantrums, behavior that puts his life in danger, etc. The minor pain that is associated with this deliberate misbehavior tends to inhibit it, just as discomfort works to shape behavior in the physical world. Neither conveys hatred. Neither results in rejection. Neither makes the child more violent.
In fact, children who have experienced corporal punishment from loving parents do not have trouble understanding its meaning. I recall my good friends, Art and Ginger Shingler, who had four beautiful children whom I loved. One of them went through a testy period where he was just "asking for it." The conflict came to a head in a restaurant, when the boy continued doing everything he could to be bratty. Finally, Art took him to the parking lot for an overdue spanking. A woman passerby observed the event and became irate. She chided the father for "abusing" his son and said she intended to call the police. With that, the child stopped crying and said to his father,"What's wrong with that woman, Dad?" He understood the discipline even if his rescuer did not. A boy or girl who knows love abounds at home will not resent a well-deserved spanking. One who is unloved or ignored will hate any form of discipline."
Many other questions answered in the book include "You spoke of parents having a plan-a conscious goal in their approach to parenting. Would you apply that to preschoolers? What, specifically, should we be hoping to accomplish between eighteen months and five years of age?; We hear so much about the importance of communication between a parent and child. If you suppress a child's defiant behavior, how can he express the hostility and resentment he feels?; Where would you administer a spanking?; Is there anyone who should never spank a child?; There is some controversy over whether a parent should spank with his or her hand or with some other object, such as a belt or paddle. What do you recommend?; Is there an age when you begin to spank? And at what age do you stop?; etc.
There are many parenting books out in the market, and parents need to exercise discretions as to which "line of thoughts" they choose to influence their children at home. I believe the Bible is the best parenting book, and parenting books written by Biblically-grounded authors like Dr James Dobson, Kevin Leman, Gary Chapman, Norman Wright, John Trent and many others are worth checking out.
Thanks Anonymous for sharing excerpts of the book... I suppose in summary, spanking as a last measure is fine as long as it's done in the right heart, mind and spirit for the good of our children...
Dearly beloved mothers, I have been searching for years for books helping mothers deal with their young children. In 2008, I finally found a Christian author who tells it from her own experience and with humour. As I sat and read these books, I would nodd my head and say Yes Yes, that's me or No No, that didn't happen to me.
She admits she has shortfallings as a mom and has made some/many mistakes but she has the heart to share with other ladies/mothers.
Please have a look at the titles and they are all available at our Trinity Methodist Church bookroom.
The author is Julie Barnhill and I started reading "She's Gonna Blow! Real help for moms dealing with anger" and then found "Motherhood: The Guit that keeps on giving" and finally read "One Touch Mother, It's Time to step up and be the mom".
She gives great advice from the perspective of the bible as well as her own experience.
As for the title of this topic, To Spank or not to Spank, James Dobson , in one of his condensed Parents' Answer book has devoted a whole chapter to this topic. If anyone wants a copy, I will scan all the pages and you can read them. I can send it to Becky and she can forward to you all. Just let me know.
Here's another list of Christian books that have helped me so much. I read and re read as my kids grow up and enter into different phases. I must admit, I can't believe my 2 older gifts from God kids are entering their teens while I'm still reading toddler stage books for my last beautiful and God given child.
Sharon, you have a boy so look for
Bringing up Boys by Dr. James Dobson
Rebecca, there is a beautiful book called Kindred Hearts, Nurturing the bond between mother & daughter by Debra Evans
Other books to read and be blessed by:
The Mommy Book by Cheryl Salem
Christian Parenting Answers (Before Birth to Five Years) [collaboration of many authors combined into one book]
What my parents did right Compiled and Edited by Gloria Gaither [she is a christian music songwriter also]
How to be a hero to your kids by John Mcdowell and Dick Day
How to talk so your kids will listen by H. Norman Wright
Be a Great Parent by H. Norman Wright
Delight in your child's design by Laurie Windslow Sargent
The Key to your child's heart by Gary Smalley
Making Children Mind without losing yours by Dr. Kevin Leman who is the best-selling author of The Birth Order Book
Parenting Before & After Work by John & Carol Dettoni
Raising Children on Purpose by Wesley H. Fleming
I have also read Baby wise, Child Wise, all the wise books and found them to be helpful but in times of great distress and wonderment as to how to parent in a given situation, I have cried out to God, prayed to him, lifted my hands in full surrender to him and asked him to take over. God is so faithful and comes to my rescue all the time.
You can see that most of my books are Christian books on parenting. That because I have found that they have directed me ultimately back into the bible to answer the questions I have.
God is also a parent, He is our Father in Heaven and He knows all things...he is sovereign and full of mercy, compassion, grace, love and sacrifice. What better parent is there in this world than our Heavenly Father.
So when you have read and read all the books that you can and still am baffled on a parenting issue, turn to the bible and seek the Lord's wisdom. He will deliver as he has in the past, present and will continue to do so in the future.
thank u for the recommendation and positive, uplifting words, Delighted. We all need that as we're here to learn from each other.
The title "She's gonna blow..." sounds interesting!
Becky, I got She's Gonna Blow to deal with frustrations and anger management problems when my 1st two kids were young...back then i was working f-t, studying p-t, 24/7 kids and housework so I was really stressed....and i got the "guilt that keeps on giving" book by the same author cause after my anger exploded, I would feel guilty even after apologizing to my kids etc so God is good as he knows my needs. Thank God for literature I can turn to.
I must say that when I was raising my kids, there was no one to talk to about these issues. The ladies with kids of my age back then kept everything to themselves. I even joined a few homemakers' groups to seek help but to no avail.
It's good to have a blog like this to discuss and it's also good to hear from other ladies' experiences.
There's something all of us can learn from this blog.
God bless!
I'm glad you feel that way delighted.. That's the idea of setting up this blog. Hey, would you mind if I borrowed those two books from you if you're not reading them at the moment? I always like a good dose of humour to put things in perspective and to get the endorphins up and running..
Hi Becky, I feel remorse each time I caned or scolded my boy of 10 yrs old now. Mostly my scolding would be very harsh on him and if I couldn't contain my anger, I would resort to slapping or caning him..There are times I thought it was due to my PMS as I tend to be moody during this period...
If my memory did not fail me, I started using cane on him since his late K2 years whilst preparing for his primary education. And, the cause would always be due to my coaching on his studies that he could not meet my expectation and I do exhibit impatience most of the time.
Many times my husband would always tell me if I have no
patient don't teach and leave it to tutors but I simply can't
let go for not coaching him as I fear his grades will spin
down the hill. More so that he is in Top class that I add to
my expectation on him.
Honestly, I must agree that my temperament is rather unpredictable and despite of constant reminding myself to keep my composure during the teaching, I would mostly relent to anger in the end and i always feel very sad after the commotion. I sometime think if I am suffering from some form of mood disorder which causes such act of anger to being uncontrollable and only realized after the whole event. I feel very upset for hurting my boy and would apologise to him and explained to him on my action made.
Nowsday, I keep reminding my boy to give me some confidence in his self study and good time management so that I don't have to sit him through the study knowing my temperament.
Would you be able to advise how I can best mange my anger from flaring up that is detrimental to my relationship with my boy?
hI Anonymous, I'm so sorry I came across your comment so late. I have been quite occupied so did not really keep up to date with the comments.
Anyway, as to your question. As parents, we all have our high expectations of our children and we tend to get frustrated when they do not meet them. That is only natural.
However, (and I say this as a reminder to myself as well) when we lash out in our frustration, the only thing we've prob achieved is to create more frustration in them too. I'm with you on this in the sense that sometimes we lose our cool when it comes to children either pushing our red buttons too many times or when they don't live up to our expectations.
How do we deal with this? hmm.. maybe we as parents should keep our expectations realistic and not too over the top. And your husband's suggestion is not bad too. I mean, we may be worried for their studies, but if we cane them and that causes them to lose interest altogether, wouldn't that be worse?
Personally, what I do is sometimes I look at my kids' baby photos to remember how much I love them. Would I want them to grow distant from me due to excessive hitting and scoldings? I think your answer should guide your actions after that...
I say this because I grew up in a household where the cane is the law. This has caused a rift to exist between us kids and my father who used it once too often.
There are times perhaps a smack on the hand is necessary to get the message across, but as with all things, if too excessive, it can only cause more damage - either in the child's self esteem or in both your relationship.
Finally, I think children should understand why they are punished for certain misbehaviour (of course, parents have to first define what is that misbehaviour)and should not be made to bear the brunt of our moods or PMSes.
All the best! I know you love your son. Tell him that more often and think about hiring a tutor.
Piont is all kids need a spank now and then. Because they will be soo spoild in life. Why you say, well i know someone that is just that.
Never had a spanking ever. So yes i stand by my word. P.S. We need a madea in this world to stop all this bla bla people trying to be something they aint.BYE!!!
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