Why Kids are just Kids Pt. 2

Besides children's physical development, their behaviour is also affected by the various stages of emotional development they are in. I think this takes LOTS of patience and understanding on the parents' part because unlike the physical aspect of our child, we can't 'see' their emotional maturity. And sometimes it's trickier when a child may be more physically developed but emotionally, they're still immature. Hence, sometimes we may find ourselves yelling, "You are already 6 years old! Why are you still behaving like a baby?"

More excerpts from my book...

I will only focus on the 1st three stages of Erikson's stages of Emotional Development as majority of us have younger kids. You can read more from the links below.

Children's Behaviour is affected by their Emotional Development

Kindly refer to this link for Erik Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development

"We find Erikson's explanation of emotional development especially relevant to discipline issues. Understanding child behaviour in terms of the stages that Erikson describes can help us prevent discipline problems; this understanding can also guide intervention when problems do occur.... Theoretically, a child completes one stage and goes on to the next, but in actuality people seem to continue working on all previous stages as they proceed to the next.."

Trust vs. Mistrust (Birth - 18 months) [pg 27 & 28]

"About 50 years ago, parents were told that picking up babies when they cried would spoil them. Dutiful mothers and fathers fought their natural urges to respond to the cries of their infants. Instead, they attended to feeding and changing needs on a set schedule, to which the child was expected to conform. Remnants of this theory persists in American society today, threatening the healthy development of trust in infancy. Parents and caregivers need to know how important it is to respond to a baby's cries. Children's early efforts to communicate their needs deserve a response. Responsive adults are essential to a child's trust development.

- If a child's experiences lead to a lesson in mistrust rather than trust, that person's whole life can be affected.... Later in life, an inability to trust co-workers and the suspicion of spouses can undermine relationships. As relationships fail to withstand the pressure, a vicious cycle of self-fulfilling prophecy is perpetuated: ... they expect others to reject them, so they behave in ways that invite rejection."

Autonomy vs. Shame (18 months - 3 years old)[pg 29]

-Erikson's autonomy stage is the period when youngsters work at defining themselves as separate from the adults they have, until now, completely depended on...toddlers years are the time for development of autonomy..the toddlers suddenly begin to see that they are separate people, wih ideas and wills of their own. This period is known as the 'terrible twos' and can create serious discipline problems for the unwary adult. It doesn't necessarily disappear at age three, so beware. The formerly docile child suddenly says an emphatic 'NO!' to all your suggestions and tests the limits you set.

- (give children)..as many opportunities as possible to make decisions and choices. These opportunities not only help him feel proud of his independence, but they also help him cooperate during times when there is no choice. Children who routinely have a chance to exercise their personal power are more able to accept times when adults must make decisions. Conversely, children who don't get ample opportunity for making choices can be incredibly stubborn.

-When children do not develop emotional autonomy, they develop a sense of shame instead. Shame can be caused by their experiences with adults who don't understand what is happening when children assert themselves; these adults think that their job is to stamp out 'naughtiness'.. As a result, children develop feelings of shame about the natural urges of independence."

Initiative vs. Guilt (3 - 5 years old)[pg 31 & 32]

"Most preschool children are in this stage. You will see them further testing their individual powers and abilities. Their physical and intellectual abilities are increasing rapidly as they joyfully try out new skills..Developmental tasks now include the need to participate in real work"

[It is at this stage that my girl takes the initiative to create her own play situations. She asks a lot of 'why' questions and wants to participate in 'adult' work e.g. sweeping, wiping, vacuuming... Most times I let her do so, but when my 2nd one was born, things got a bit stressful. Once, the baby cried and she tried to help but I shoved her aside asking her not to touch the baby - I was afraid she might accidentally hurt the infant. She cried,not comprehending why when she wanted to help she was scolded instead (resulting in feelings of guilt that she didn't understand). My bad! Sometimes, we adults tend to hurry kids along and not let them take the initiative to do things e.g. pour juice, wash dishes.. When we were younger, adults would scold us 'kepo' when we tried to help; "Don't you be 'kepo'!" .]

Anyway, the point of my sharing the above info is to boost our understanding of why kids behave the way they do e.g. suddenly saying 'no' to everything, asking 'why' repeatedly, wanting to do things by themselves (sometimes causing a big MESS), sometimes clinging to us, sometimes pushing us away... hopefully, we understand that our kids are not being 'bad' or disobedient or 'naughty'... they're just, well, KIDS!

So dear mamas, do you think the above information is helpful in understanding your child better? Do you think it will help us to reconsider our choice of words and disciplinary actions? How does the above explain why WE (the adults) have become who we are today?

Check out also:
Who was Erik Erikson?
Stages of Social-Emotional Development in Children and Teenagers
Erik Erikson's Psychosocial Theory
Smart Love


Carpe Diem, ladies!
Becky