[Note: FYI, I wasn't able to put up an entry on Friday due to disruption of Internet services (rumored to continue till 2nd May- so what's new in Malaysia, right?). Apologies!]
Today, I thought I'd like to share some excerpts I came across in my book, 'Constructive Guidance and Discipline' by Marjorie V. Fields and Cindy Boesser about what affects children's behaviour simply because:
I hope it will also help us as parents to have realistic expectations of our children so we don't end up punishing them out of our own ignorance.
1. Need to move around (pg. 23 & 24)
[In other words, it is unrealistic of us adults to expect our kids to sit quietly all the way through a story telling session that has gone overtime, never mind a 2 - 3 hours long wedding dinner/church sermon/mama's shopping trip...]
2. Small Muscle Coordination takes time (pg. 24)
- "Not only do young children have a need to exercise their large muscles regularly, but they are also not very adept yet at small-muscle work. It is a fact of physical development that fine motor coordination (e.g. writing, buttoning, lacing) lags behind gross motor coordination (e.g. running, walking, jumping)...
- Placing pressure on these children to perform above their current level of development will result in frustration and feelings of failure. Negative behaviours will surely follow. Matching your expectations to the children's abilities will avert some potential discipline struggles.."
[I remember when I first got my girl to start tracing letters - simply because her new school expects children to be able to write independently by 4 years old - she started out enthusiastic at first, but after I kept correcting her, getting her to hold her pencil properly, erasing her scribbles that were not in line..etc, she got so frustrated she refused to write. Then I got upset with her and felt she was not 'listening to me'.. In actual fact, she just wasn't ready]
3. Need for Food and Rest (pg. 24 & 25)
- "Young children also have a need for adequate food and rest in order to work and play cooperatively...Children need these energy boosters at more frequent intervals than adults do."
[Sometimes, my girl can get so unreasonable and be very demanding esp. after morning school. I used to get angry with her but now, knowing she needs to nap, I would make milk for her and put her to sleep.. once she wakes up, she's a happy camper!]
Check out also:
How to Discipline a Child According to Age
Early Childhood Physical DevelopmentToday, I thought I'd like to share some excerpts I came across in my book, 'Constructive Guidance and Discipline' by Marjorie V. Fields and Cindy Boesser about what affects children's behaviour simply because:
"Knowledge of child development will help you to understand when inappropriate behaviour occurs because a child is working on a developmental task and does not mean to be 'naughty' at all..."
I hope it will also help us as parents to have realistic expectations of our children so we don't end up punishing them out of our own ignorance.
Children's Behaviour is affected by their Physical Development
[In other words, it is unrealistic of us adults to expect our kids to sit quietly all the way through a story telling session that has gone overtime, never mind a 2 - 3 hours long wedding dinner/church sermon/mama's shopping trip...]
2. Small Muscle Coordination takes time (pg. 24)
- Placing pressure on these children to perform above their current level of development will result in frustration and feelings of failure. Negative behaviours will surely follow. Matching your expectations to the children's abilities will avert some potential discipline struggles.."
[I remember when I first got my girl to start tracing letters - simply because her new school expects children to be able to write independently by 4 years old - she started out enthusiastic at first, but after I kept correcting her, getting her to hold her pencil properly, erasing her scribbles that were not in line..etc, she got so frustrated she refused to write. Then I got upset with her and felt she was not 'listening to me'.. In actual fact, she just wasn't ready]
3. Need for Food and Rest (pg. 24 & 25)
- "Young children also have a need for adequate food and rest in order to work and play cooperatively...Children need these energy boosters at more frequent intervals than adults do."
[Sometimes, my girl can get so unreasonable and be very demanding esp. after morning school. I used to get angry with her but now, knowing she needs to nap, I would make milk for her and put her to sleep.. once she wakes up, she's a happy camper!]
Check out also:
How to Discipline a Child According to Age
Child Behaviour, Self Esteem, Values and Physical Development
Behaviour Management Plans for Children
Carpe Diem, ladies
16 comments:
Your point 1) Need to move around, that's very true but unfortunately, here we do not have proper place for them to move around safely. The park here are so not safe for them. I once went to the playground opposite Gingerbread, there are so many mosquitoes ... I went there with my pharmacist cousin and he brought along the mosquito repelent. We put it on but he told me, once there's a hole that the mosquito repelent not rubbed on our skin, the mosquito will attack that area. Ya .. we all end up with quite a few mosquito bite but the kids have a great time running around and playing on the swing and see-saw.
Kids are naughty at home, doing this and that, running here and there. But what to do ... we did not bring them out to move their little muscle which they really need. Kids like adult need to 'fa xie' (don't know what's the English word). And moving around, running about is their way to 'fa xie'.
I really wonder any good place here that we can bring the kids to run about, without worrying about mosquito.
Becky, about writing ... ya, don't put too much pressure on them. My boy, since he is the year end kid, as long he can finish writing his homework, is very good already. I do correct him, let him try a few times, if he can get it, ok, if not nevermind (especially when he's frustrated, i'll let him do it his way). As long got the 'shape' there (for chinese). Let him do the correction when teacher return the book. When come to the chinese dictation, we drill him again. Sometimes, he's lazy to write, he use verbally. Like chinese, he'll say 'heng' 'shu' 'pie' 'na' to form the word. If by verbally he's correct, when he write, will be much easier.
Hi Ss! It's sad but true that we don't have nice parks where we stay. The state govt should put more attention to recreation around residetial areas...
Anyway, the need to move around refers to children also not being able to sit still for a long time. So, for example in a classroom setting, it's natural that kids get up and walk about instead of just quietly sitting down and listening for more than half an hour. Usually, when teachers complain of children being 'naughty' cos they move around, it's actually a natural thing for kids not that they are naughty. The rule of thumb of children's attention span is 1 minute for 1 year. So if my girl is 4 years old, she can only sit still and listen for 4 minutes. After that, she's in her own world.
I agree with you about writing. We don't want to pressure her. But like it or not, sometimes parents unconsciously compare our children with other kids, then we go "How come they can, my child can't?" That's why the pressure comes in..
i think it takes immense self control and confidence on the parents' part to NOT compare then pressure their child.
What do you guys think?
Ss, mosquitoes...they love me. My husband says, when we go out, he can wear shorts outdoors cuz when i'm there, they all migrate to me.
For parks etc, where there is potential mosquitoes, I usually load my kids with mosquito repellant (citrus and organic from pharmacy) that way we can enjoy and the mosquitoes are repelled by the smell...won't touch us
Places can be Reservoir Park, Taman Sahabat, MBKS gardens (have to put repellant or spray on them in order to have fun and not be feeding ground for mosquitoes)
Even if you bring them to the Spring and I heard Boulevard has a 4th level playground
Writing is about the last skill kids perfect. Imagine the small spaces they have to keep all their strokes and lines in. Then there is cursive writing later.
Bless and encourage your child whenever they do something and through that it's easier to correct them or they will take our correction better when it is needed
as for comparing children, I am blessed. let me share with you why.
my oldest is very good in school, my 2nd not good at all, my youngest is keen but i have yet to see her skills
when you have children who are at opposite ends of the poles, then comparing is not done. even if i drove my son with drilling and revision and tuition, i know it is not in his nature to be like his sister. he has other qualities that are good but not in academics
with the same parents, we have kids that are so different so we know that each are uniquely and specially made by God...one would expect if one is good is school, the other one is also but for us, that's not the case.
we believe God also shows us to be content and appreciate our kids for their difference, hence no need to compare but appreciate each child for who they are
i really feel sorry for parents who compare their children to others in all areas of life. i know so many who say,
Why does my child not eat this like hers, his, theirs?
Why does my child not socialize like hers, his, theirs?
Why does my child not this and that?
Now that/those are parents who think too much and worry too much. I sometimes think they spend so much time comparing or wondering that they have missed the specialness and have missed the captured time with their child...they did not seize and enjoy the wonderful moments
thanks, delighted... i hope i don't unwittingly fall into that category of parents who compare their kids.
i hope i didn't make it sound like u r one of them...u aren't. i'm referring to those parents who worry overly and feel/seem more insecure than their children...that can drive me nuts
in everything commit to God in prayer and petition
i've found that culturally people here don't hv the patience or openness to talk about things or listen to those with problems so over the years i've learned to pray and give it up to God
sometimes you talk to someone only to wonder if they really care (body language tells me I'm a waste of their time) so for me, when in doubt, tell God...he always hears
this blog is also a good way for ladies/parents/mothers to share with each other
ladies i hope i didn't offend anyone or make anyone feel like i was talking about them...none of you fall into this category..i love the fact we are helping each other with advice and our own experiences
i hope i didn't make it sound like u r one of them...u aren't. i'm referring to those parents who worry overly and feel/seem more insecure than their children...that can drive me nuts
in everything commit to God in prayer and petition
i've found that culturally people here don't hv the patience or openness to talk about things or listen to those with problems so over the years i've learned to pray and give it up to God
sometimes you talk to someone only to wonder if they really care (body language tells me I'm a waste of their time) so for me, when in doubt, tell God...he always hears
this blog is also a good way for ladies/parents/mothers to share with each other
ladies i hope i didn't offend anyone or make anyone feel like i was talking about them...none of you fall into this category..i love the fact we are helping each other with advice and our own experiences
Comparing with classmates or siblings are really bad. My mum once compare me with by best friend. That was when I'm a teenager. She's always the top student in academic and sports but I'm not. I'm good in certain subjects that I like only but I'm happy with that. So, when my mum compare me with her, indirectly, it actually affect my feeling towards my friend. But not for long coz' I tell myself to be rational but not emotionally. Is not my friend's fault but is my mum. So, I speak up to my mum and asked her not to compare me with my friend again. I told her that it will affect my friendship with her. I know my mum's intention is to encourage me and setting an example for me to see but unfortunately, it don't work. It only gave me 'hatred' (this word is too strong but can't think of a softer word) towards the person she compare me with.
Rebecca, thanks for the post. I cannot agree more with what you wrote. I'm saddened that so many children are labeled "naughty", "disobedient", "huai dan" or even "monkey boy" (my childhood friend) when the kids are only doing what's natural to them - exploring and learning! Yes, let kids be kids. With loving guidance, they will act like an adult when they are an adult.
Re Gal, I couldn't agree with you more. If children are supposed to be like adults, they would already be born and referred to as adults...hehehe.
Let our children play, make noise joyfully. Let's not though, let them bully their parents or others into getting their own way. They do need loving discipline.
Now, I have to add this with a giggle, we always complain about children being naughty and playful..you know I know some 40 year olds and even 50 years old that are like children...they don't want to grow up and play play play and be naughty. What do we do with these children? If they are part of your family, I think most will agree when I say family members will support them, look after them, knowing they'll never grow up.
If these adults have very little hope of one day, wake wake, growing up, then we should praise our kids more for theirs will only be in the kids phase and YES, they will grow up to be well behaved, intelligent and blessings as adults.
Let our kids enjoy now and enjoy it with them!
Hi Re Gal,
My mom also always labbelled my son as "like his uncle", naughty, huai dan"...and so the calling continues...
A few times i speak out my mind but she have all her reason for calling my boy such names. I reason to her that I don't like her calling my son with all the 'names' and he is so young and it takes time for him to change. I'm not trying to protect my son's 'naughtiness' but I don't believe in giving "negative names" to describe a kid. It will not help the kid but will give a negative impact on them. So, i always tell my son that he is a good boy and praise him whenever he does good.
This gender stereotyping of boys simply because they are boys is especially prevalent in schools. Teachers tend to label the boys negatively more often than girls and hence, treat them more harshly.
I always emphasize on the importance of parent-teacher communication so both parties' are aware of the other's expectation where the child is concerned. I often meet up with my child's teachers to talk to them about her progress at school.
Once, I mentioned to the teacher that if they communicate clearly to her she would understand what she needs to do. The teacher's answer was, "Oh ya, she's a girl so can talk gently. Not like boys, have to scold!"
I don't have a son, but if I did and if a teacher talks like that about my son, I would pick a fight with her!!
Becky, it'll break your heart when you hear teachers talking about boys.
I've cried buckets over the nasty things teachers have said about my son..not just in chinese school but our own church.
Boys are definitely different from girls and they seem to get the rotten end of the stick. Teachers are educators yet they don't know how to educate themselves to be positive role models and be on the positive side. SAD!
Let's just love our kids and all kids around them and if parents don't praise them, let us aunties and uncles praise them and encourage them.
sorry to hear that delighted/ wheatgrass..if only we can change things for the better.. guess it'll have to start with ourselves
Well, maybe sometimes, we need to put ourselves in the teacher's position. As parents, with only one or two kids at home, it already drive us nuts sometimes causing us scolding and sometimes screaming at the kids (sometimes when they are playing so wildly, they can't hear me talking until i really shouted at them). Imagine with 25 - 30 active kids in a class, how can 2 teachers really handle all of them without shouting and setting rules in class. When we ourselves at home, when kids are being naughty, disturbing their sibling, etc, will we scold, warn and give punishment? If we do, how can we request the teachers to be linear and soft spoken all the time in order to lead the whole class.
But if teachers giving the 'boys' negative labels, I won't agree. This will hurt the kids too. Discussion between teachers and parents, sometimes might need to be behind the kids. Try to praise the kids "Good boy" or "Good girl" very often. They love to hear that.
I think my boy is fortunate to have a loving teachers. She will call her students "dear", "my handsome boy", etc. This kind of sweet words will really draw the kids' heart to them. My boy was spank (one time only at the thigh) for running too wildly and cause an accident happen (a girl fall and knocked on her lip and bleed). The teacher was very angry and worry because last time, an incident like this happen and the parents almost want to sue the school. But after that, she told my boy not to run so wildly anymore. She told him "I know you are a good boy. Is just an accident but you need to be more careful next time". I didn't complain the teacher to spank my boy because I know they have been reminded not to run wildly especially at the class and corridor many times. Altough being spank, my boy still love his teacher.
Hi Ss, I agree with you about the negative effects of comparing, esp among siblings-- from personal experience, comparing can cause siblings to resent each other too.
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