I think we might have come across this matter often enough to know what it's about. Personally, I feel very strongly that as parents, we MUST advise our children about the right and WRONG touches from the time our children can understand us (1++ or 2 years old?). I think it's never too soon to create this awareness in our children as we do not know what sort of psychos are out there in the form of adult authority e.g. teachers, security guards, kindergarten operators' husbands, babysitters' husbands/sons, relatives, religious leaders...etc. (based on the news we read daily)
I once attended an Early Childhood Education (ECE) Conference where there was a panel of speakers--one of them being my professor, a prominent figure in Malaysia in the field of ECE. She opined that we SHOULDN'T teach them too soon as this may lead to children becoming too sensitive and overly cautious, "Oh No!!! He's molesting me!!" she acted out in a high pitched voice "...when it's a normal touch," she said.
Well, mamas, what do YOU think? (That professor never had children of her own, by the way)
From my personal experience, if children (girls AND boys) are not made aware of the kind of touches that violate them, they may be made victims without even realizing it. How personal is this personal experience? I was one of them.....
I was probably 8 or 9 years old (can't remember) and we used to return to our small hometown regularly for holidays. There was this older relative I looked up to and loved playing with. One holiday, it started when I was showering in the common bathroom. He pushed the door open for his friends to see me naked. His apparently unaware friends chided him for being 'dirty' but he walked off, laughing. Then he started cornering me when I was alone, grabbed me and touched my private part. I didn't tell my parents because I thought he was playing with me and I didn't want to be a spoil sport. Next trip back, it happened a few more times and he even got another relative to pin me down to do it. I now remember feeling uncomfortable and worst of all, helpless. Why didn't anyone help me? Some aunties were playing mahjong in the same room but they thought we kids were just fooling around, but he was touching me most inappropriately. I didn't know if I should scream, yell and I couldn't hit back because he was too strong for me. After that, I told my mother, who told his mother who scolded and spanked him. He laughingly said sorry (hardly sincere, right?) but since then, it stopped.
I'm sharing this very personal story with you all so you will know that such a memory doesn't just disappear (I'm 32 today). It's very easy for adults to downplay the seriousness of such matters and even shush the child trying to tell her side of the story. It's easy to say "There, it didn't do you any real harm, did it? You still turned out alright." Yet somehow, even as I am typing this, my hands are shaking and I'm crying. More often than not, adults tend to brush this matter aside, embarrassed instead of doing what should be done... SHAME the perpetrators and take action against them. For the longest time, I felt ashamed of myself because I thought I didn't handle the situation well enough. Now, how I wish my dad had taken a big rattan and beat the living hell out of that relative.
Anyway, please don't ask me the how's and why's and what-happened-after-that. Let's just leave it as it is...
So, from the moment my girl could understand me, I tell her when I bathe her that NOBODY is to touch her private parts except mummy when washing her. Even though she was young (2 yo) she listened. When she was old enough, she would ask " Can teacher touch? Can papa touch? Can grandma/grandpa touch?" I now tell her, "When you were younger, they had to help wash you, but now that you're older (she's 4 yrs old), you must learn to wash yourself.. Absolutely nobody is to touch your private parts."
Some links here might also help:
To summarize:
1) Be open with your children - Don't scare children but tell them what parts should not be touched. Naming private parts specifically helps: Say 'vagina' and 'penis' in a matter of fact way. Pointing at their private parts and saying 'Shame, shame' doesn't help them understand what they should be ashamed about. If they're victims, the right words will easily help them to describe what happened. And it's not for them to be ashamed... it's not their fault.
2) Understand good touch/bad touch:
Good touch - hugs, kisses, parent changing diaper, holding hands
Bad touch - hitting, kicking, touching private parts, hugs/kisses that make them feel uncomfortable..
3) Keep no secrets - if anyone makes them feel uncomfortable, they should immediately tell a trusted adult
4) Right to say 'NO!' - Asian children are generally less inclined to defy adults and authority. But it's important that they can say 'NO!' to adults who make them feel uncomfortable. Teach them to SCREAM if someone tries to hurt them.
5) Don't force them to be affectionate - Although it's nice that our children embrace our relatives or friends, we should also be mindful that if they're not comfortable, we shouldn't force them. Respect their wishes. If we as adults don't like to be forced to be physically affectionate, same thing goes for children. Children have natural instincts, they know who love them and they'll automatically love them back.
6) Teach them to speak up - Guide children to express themselves, speak up and not keep quiet about what's wrong. Always communicate with them. Listen to them.
6) Teach them to speak up - Guide children to express themselves, speak up and not keep quiet about what's wrong. Always communicate with them. Listen to them.
Finally and most importantly, if you know such inappropriate incident might have occurred somewhere (whether school, kindy, babysitter), please..
SHAME the perpetrator
TAKE action
COMPLAIN - to the principal, to the kindy operator, to other parents..
REPORT to relevant authorities
TELL and publicize to other parents so as not to send their children there
MAKE NOISE- loud noise!
ANYTHING except keep quiet, shush your child and silently transfer your child to another school.
Most times, people tend to be so cautious and politically correct, they protect the perpetrators, they say the perpetrators must go for counseling, get professional help, look at their history, family background, don't cause embarrassment or trouble, see both sides of the story...etc.
I say PROTECT ALL OUR CHILDREN first!
Carpe Diem, ladies!
Becky
4 comments:
Wow, thanks for sharing. It's so personal and so brave of you to share on this blog and to the big WWW out there.
I know that for my children, most of the time it was me tending to their baths. My children's father would do it once in a while.
By the time they are old enough to bathe themselves and wipe themselves after going to the toilet, they are well aware of their private parts, areas.
That is about the time (age 4 and above) when I start sharing with them that those parts are PRIVATE. By age 5 and 6 you can share more about why and they will most likely ask you to go into detail to explain certain things to them.
In the last 20 years we have seen so many cases of abuse rise up. Many have kept quiet
1)thinking they've done something wrong
2)person abusing or taking advantage of them told them to keep quiet
3)too ashamed
4)believe they instigated it
5)blame themselves
and the list goes on
The important thing to remember is to keep the lines of communication positive and open between parent and child. When a child realises that she/he can come to the parent to talk about anything, they are most secure.
From there, you can find that you can talk about anything. Parents have to be ready for any types of questions that come their way and if they aren't, it's ok to say, hey let me find out more and come back to you with what I don't know at the moment.
A child will feel awkwardness if the touch is a different touch from a friendly pat on the shoulder. Some perverts will refer to it as a friendly touch...just being friends, don't you want to be friends, friends do this to friends, but that's garbage, rubbish, into the toilet.
We have the human instinct to know when something doesn't feel right and a child's feelings should always be acknowledged and the truth sought out. Oh how wonderful and secure a child will feel when his/her feelings are acknowledged.
It might be a serious case like Becky's or not but the child is sure to know that his/her parents can come to his/her rescue in all circumstances.
Becky, these types of incidences never fade from our memory.
I'm glad that you told your mother who confronted the boy's mother. I just hope that as an adult now, the man now has got no issues re: matters of a sexual nature.
Yes we need to teach our kids to speak up and let their parents know or just talk to their parents about anything under the sun.
Kids with great self esteem and security have parents who they can talk to about all types of topics. They know they have a person they can turn to and trust.
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I think you did the right thing by telling your mom about it when you couldn't do anything as he was stronger and older than you. Thanks for sharing your experience teaching R about this matter. It is most important and I will teach my son like wise too!
Thanks guys and ur welcome....
I think it's also important for parents to teach daughters to respect their bodies and for sons to respect girls/women so they won't take sexual matters lightly.
It's so disturbing that nowadays, everything is sexualized. Little girls dancing in sexy, skimpy outfits are applauded (have you seen the Youtube video of 7 year old girls dancing to "Single lady"?) and just two weeks ago I read of three 9 year old boys sexually assaulting their fellow classmate, to the point that her hymen was torn.
What is this world coming to?
I don't buy all this sexual freedom propoganda. It has created more problems than not.
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