What do you tell your little one if another child were to hit/bite/push/grab a toy/slap/pinch him or her?
"Use your words to express your dislike for what she just did.."
"Don't hit back. Tell the teacher."
"Ok, Mummy will go talk to his Mummy."
"It's alright, no big deal.. share your toy with him.."
"Just ignore her.."
I think the above statements have been passed down for generations. At least, that's what my parents used to always tell me when I complained of how another child treated me. Sometimes, I find myself unwittingly telling my child the same thing.
However, once when my girl was playing and minding her own business, another child went over and deliberately hit her--causing her to cry. As she came running to me to complain, I wondered, "How do I teach my child to stand up for her rights without taking out another person's eye?"
We don't want our kids to go around hitting people, obviously. But, I think the above statements fall short of helping them to stand up for their rights. I think it certainly doesn't teach them confidence in dealing with a problem there and then instead of running to an adult for help. It's all fine when they're toddlers, but what about when they reach their tweens and teens? How should they confront bullies or resolve conflicts? Must they always give way? Can teachers and parents still step in to mediate?
If I may, here are two real life anecdotes for discussion's sake:
a) An ex-colleague of mine used to tell her 4 year old son to give way to a bigger boy who often picked on him, but when the bigger boy continued giving him a hard time, she finally told him, "If he pushes you again, push him back!" which her son did. Since that day, the bigger boy left him alone. b) A family friend spoke about how his teenage son was bullied by schoolmates in school. Complaints to teachers and principal deterred them for awhile, but it continued when they turned their backs. Over time, the teenage son fought back (physically). Although he was penalized by his teacher for doing so, the parent laughingly said, "Finally, my son can stand up for himself!"
What do you guys think?
I found some informative links here.
To summarize the info above, they suggest:
1) Instill a sense of security and confidence since infancy.
2) When disciplining the child, criticize the behaviour and do not belittle the child
3) Help him/her recognize his/her rights
4) Teach kids to speak up and think for themselves
5) Let him/her call the shots (sometimes) to boost their confidence
6) Discourage peer worship
7 ) Role play situations on how to assert themselves
8) Be a positive role model - Adults show how they stand up for themselves in a positive way
9) If they might be physically harmed, they should walk away from the person.
How else would you help your child to stand up for him/herself?
23 comments:
My own thoughts are that maybe the principle is helping our children to learn how to protect themselves in the right manner-not only physically but emotionally and mentally.
It's important to instill a sense of right and wrong, fairness etc as this goes a long way in terms of building self-esteem and self-worth.
I'm not really keen to teach children to retaliate physically as they may learn that physical violence is the way to solve conflicts which may lead to future aggressive behaviour.
But how to react to a bully, esp someone who is bigger and meaner and can cause real harm?
Also, which battle is worth fighting at that point in time?
Well, I think we have to teach our kids that they shouldn't be silent about bullying despite being threatened with repercussions.
Be assertive but not provocative ie walk away from further physical harm and seek refuge ie report to teacher, parent.
Also, it may help to try and understand that some bullies may have issues themselves which manifest as aggressive behaviour and they may need psychological help so that they learn not to resort to violence
If in school, I advise my kids to report to teacher on the spot. Better not come back and tell mummy and ask mummy to go tell teacher the next day. Unless it happen many many times, then maybe I'll go discuss with the teacher.
My daugther has a friend in school who always pinch her friends who's sitting near her and my girl is one of them. She was pinched 3 times this year, being kick, she throw rubbish to my girl and into her bag. But my girl is not the only one. My girl report to teacher every time she did the bad things to her and also told the girl's aunty who came everyday during recess time. The teacher punish her, canned her and putting her sitting facing to the wall.
There's one time that she was canned very hard by a male teacher and she cried very badly. Her aunty came during recess time and call her mum to come. My girl said, when her mummy came, all those being kick and pinched by her complain to her mummy what she did to them.
I'm glad that my girl will know how to speak up to the teacher or those relevant or can help when being pinched or kick. However, at the same time I also wonder why is the girl behaving that way. Really hope that somebody can really talk to her and understand her behaviour. She must be very lonely where so many kids dislike her and teachers canning and punishing her for her bad behaviour in school.
Using Ss' daughter's situation as an example, how can we help her to assert herself (without telling the teacher as the first option) and help the other girl at the same time?
Ss, I'm just wondering did your daughter ask the other girl why she behaved that way? Did she want to be friends but didn't know how?
Below here are steps on asserting yourself effectively from my Toastmasters Interpersonal Communication manual:
1) State the problem - maybe Ss' daughter (A) could tell the other girl (B) that her hitting and kicking is causing hurt and other people to dislike her.
2) Tell ur feelings - A can tell B how she feels, she dislikes it and wishes her to stop it
3) Specify a solution - maybe A can tell B to stop hitting people and they can be friends.
4) Describe the consequences - A can advise B that if she stops hitting, B will also gain more friends. Otherwise, she'll be lonely
IF the above doesn't work, then maybe tell the teacher?
Asserting ourselves effectively and positively is a skill that even we adults need to practice (hence, we have Toastmasters Clubs)so why not encourage our kids to start young?
The reason I suggest the above is because:
1) Telling the teacher only causes the other girl to be caned without understanding why she behaved that way
2) When the root of her behaviour is not addressed, she might revert to it again and end up being a social outcast among classmates.
3) When our kids grow up, there'll be other situations when they need to learn to assert themselves and adults like parents/teachers may not be nearby to help, so why not help them to acquire the skill?
The fact is, we don't have trained counselors or psychologists and teachers are too stressed to look into every child's problems. So maybe we can do out bit to also reach out to the 'bully'?
Anyway, I think asserting oneself positively is important cos I only learned that skill a lot later as an adult. I used to just swallow whatever unhappiness and blamed myself for everything that went wrong .. including when schoolmates 'bullied' me.. so I hope my kids or any kids for that matter, do not have to go thru the same thing.
hmm, I think teaching kids to be assertive is well and good but each individual child's level of maturity (not necessarily the same for the same age)and ability to be articulate needs to be considered.
I think that getting figures of authority eg teachers, parents to mediate is not teaching our children to run away from problems.
To be realistic, if teachers are unable (due to lack of time or whatever reason)to sort out communication issues between kids, it may be a bit too much to expect children to articulate politeness and negotiate with bullies.
Of course, we can teach kids to respond by saying things like 'please don't hit me, it's hurting me, can we play nicely without hitting,' but if the bullying continues, i think adults need to mediate.
Also, maybe teachers need to increase their awareness about psychological problems among children and ways to handle them properly instead of resorting to corporal punishment as a reflex action which further perpetuates the vicious cycle of aggression.
I think spending some time listening to the 'bully' and their parents can be done. Every school has a school counsellor right? If there are significant psychological problems, than the child can be referred accordingly.
Ya, my mum once is a counsellor in Chung Hua Primary No. 1. Those problems kids was sent to her for counselling. She'll talk and understand their problem. If necessary, parents will be call up to talk with the counsellor to further understand the child's behavior. Before being a counselor, she was sent for training. I'm not sure about my girl's school. I wonder whether they refer the girl to the counselor or not or whether there's a counselor or not. But I really pity that girl and I think putting her sitting to the wall will hurt her even more although it does solve the problem other kids being bullied by her as she sat further to the others and is just beside the teacher's table.
Becky, I think 1) and 2) can be done but 3) and 4) might be quite difficult. Kids are kids ... they are very straight forward. If being bullied again and again, is not easy for them to like that person. Like my girl's case, teachers need to interfere. Is not something that the kids can deal themselves. She's only a P1 kids though. We can't expect her to be as 'mature' as an adult. The first 2 times being pinched, I didn't see it as a problem ... I thought well ... kids ... so I tell her nvm. No bleeding, it's ok. But when it continues again and again, I start to feel a bit worry. But before it happen again, the kid's mum went there and since all those being bullied told the mum at the same time, so I don't have to speak up for her. Recently seems ok ... no more complain being pinch or kick. That girl went to same piano lesson with my girl and she behave well at piano lesson.
Well, the above is a guideline which one masters according to maturity and practice. Hey, I don't think I've even mastered them yet let alone little kids.. but I think it's a helpful guideline to begin with.
If they can manage (1) and (2) for now, then by all means..
To me, it's helpful to know where and how to start.
Anyway, if the other girl is well behaved in piano class why not at school? Is there a reason? Is it her family background? maybe a lot of physical aggression at home? just wondering.....
honestly, laifchan, how many teachers take time or bother to be aware of bullies' psychological problems?
i wish such teachers exist in real life in our country I mean...
I suddenly feel I'm so lucky that i don't met any bullies in school during my school days. No extreme strict or extreme fierce teacher. Pity my girl being pinched n kicked and having some fierce teachers. But i think she's used to it as she met a strict n fierce teacher in her final year in kindy.
Haha, Ss, is that a good thing? About ur girl being used to fierce teachers.
How does your girl handle it? the fierce teachers I mean.. does she complain about them or does she just accept things as they are but still stay happy otherwise?
I worry for my girl sometimes as so far, the school teachers have been kind. So one day, when she goes to primary school, she will get a rude shock!
Becky, why would you think she would get a rude shock when she goes to primary school? So far, I have not encountered bullying and my 2 kids are almost done with their primary school years.
There is a subject they teach in primary school known as morals which I believe all kindies are teaching.
To top up on this subject in kindies and primary school is our role to teach our kids the fruit of the Spirit.
Don't be so fearful or worried about primary school. Primary school is just 3 x more the population of teachers and kids.
With the standards of kindies now being very high, many are teaching the children good behaviour and touching/dealing on issues such as bullying, manners, etc.
In all things, uplift your kids' every aspect of their life into the Almighty's hands. Pray for them day and night and trust that God cares for them and is watching over them when you are not around.
You can also ask your child(ren) how their day was and they will tell you what happened. Sometimes they will even tell you some things that happen to others and you can use that as a teaching tool and ask your child(ren), "what would you do if that happened to you?" to give you an idea how your child thinks and reacts/acts.
thanks delighted for the encouragement.
Anyway the 'rude shock' referred to fierce teachers as pointed out by Ss in chinese schools.
My girl remembers her playschool teachers fondly. She took awhile to adjust to new teachers in her new schools so i think she'll go thru the same thing come primary school.
When it comes to my kids, i tend to be a worry wart. so bear with me. Any encouragement is a big help!
Becky, in kindy although the teacher is fierce and strict but she's still reasonable and has her loving side. As long she do her work and listen to teacher's instruction, she'll be ok. That teacher is very famous in the kindy. Most parents worry when their child was in her class during 1st few days of school. But that class usually turn out to be very discipline, well too much to list. My girl was canned twice last yr but i only know when yr end. But she accept as she know she's wrong. The teachers made clear the rules on the 1st day of school. My girl still love her. Will always go back to see her if she has the chance.
P1, teacher talked very loud and always using the ruler to hit the table. Still, if listen to instruction, finish all the work, she'll be ok. I asked her P1 teachers better or the kindy teacher and she say they r all the same. Teachers will can those misbehave, talkative, didn't bring book, didn't do homework, etc. So, as long all her work up to date, then she'll be ok. She's quite discipline in class. She's a group leader in kindy and is the class assistant leader this year.
I tell my girl, if being scolded or punish in school, as long if you can take it, then is ok. If cannot mummy is always there for you.
Ok Ss, thank you for ur sharing! I hope my girl will settle in just fine when the time comes too.....
Becky, I find some difficulty in your topic title and then the content of your topic.
You use Turn the other cheek which is taken from the word of God, the bible:
Matthew 5:39... But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.
Go to Matthew 5:38-40 and read in Context
Luke 6:29...If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.
yet use worldly examples and methods to justify and explain with 2 examples why it is good to strike back physically.
Below is an excerpt I read from a link in a website. Hope it helps To read the rest, go to http://www.zcommunications.org/christian-nonviolence-by-walter-wink.
"What we are dealing with here is unmistakably an insult, not a fistfight. The intention is not to injure but to humiliate, to put someone in his or her place. One normally did not strike a peer in this way, and if one did the fine was exorbitant (four zuz was the fine for a blow to a peer with a fist, 400 zuz for backhanding him; but to an underling, no penalty whatever). A backhand slap was the normal way of admonishing inferiors. Masters backhanded slaves; husbands, wives; parents, children; men, women; Romans, Jews.
We have here a set of unequal relations, in each of which retaliation would be suicidal. The only normal response would be cowering submission. It is important to ask who Jesus' audience is. In every case, Jesus' listeners are not those who strike, initiate lawsuits, or impose forced labor. Rather, Jesus is speaking to their victims, people who have been subjected to these very indignities. They have been forced to stifle their inner outrage at the dehumanizing treatment meted out to them by the hierarchical system of caste and class, race and gender, age and status, and by the guardians of imperial occupation.
Why then does Jesus counsel these already humiliated people to turn the other cheek? Because this action robs the oppressor of power to humiliate them. The person who turns the other cheek is saying, in effect, "Try again. Your first blow failed to achieve its intended effect. I deny you the power to humiliate me. I am a human being just like you. Your status (gender, race, age, wealth) does not alter that. You cannot demean me." Such a response would create enormous difficulties for the striker. Purely logistically, how can he now hit the other cheek? He cannot backhand it with his right hand. If he hits with a fist, he makes himself an equal, acknowledging the other as a peer. But the whole point of the back of the hand is to reinforce the caste system and its institutionalized inequality."
This sentence below is taken from www.gospel.com:
Many of Jesus' teachings contradict our basic human impulses--in particular, this command to forgo revenge and to lovingly submit to those who attack us.
In the first excerpt, it goes in depth stating the word OPPRESSION. Perhaps the child doing the bullying is taking this stand to oppress the receiver of the bullying.
Understand please that Turning the other Cheek from the bible has more to do with the emotional/mental aspect of the way we treat each other rather than the physical violence or treatment from one person to another, in which case, Becky you mentioned bullying.
With that said, bullying is indeed present in schools. When you are dealing with young kids in primary schools, some kids will not speak up and then some kids will. I've heard from my kids that, when their friends have gone to the teachers or even when they've gone to teachers, there are some teachers who couldn't care less. They have told me in general, the majority don't care because for every child who goes to them, at the end of teh day, they have umpteenth kids running to them and they don't have the time to check if every incident is valid.
So it's up to us, as parents, to take the time every day to ask our child(ren) what happened during the day and from that we will find many interesting things...sometimes sad, but many times humourous.
Many times when they do tell us something happened to someone else, we can take those opportunities to ask our child(ren) what they would have done in a situation like that and then you will get an idea of their actions and thinking and through that, they will have the correct reaction or you will have to talk to them about the correct way of handling the situation.
Becky, bullying isn't only amongst children. Let me share with you an experience I had.
When my daughter was 3 and my son 1 1/2 years old, I went back to work and had to put them in a daycare 1/2 days/4 days a week. I went with a friend for 1 whole day searching for a daycare centre and finally settled on one.
The daycare was run by two Catholic ladies who happened to be sisters. I looked around and the place was tidy and everything I wanted.
I started working in January and one day in October I asked my daughter how the day was. She told me that her brother had his arms and feet tied because he and another boy was jumping and trying to up the stairs. She also told me that they put rubber bands around his and the other boy's feet and would snap the bottom of their feet to punish them. Now as you can imagine, having your arms tied behind your back and your feet tied so you can't move and then the bottoms of your feet snapped even while being tied up because you budged was wrong.
My daughter said it had been going on for a while now but of course couldn't tell me what this while was.
The next day I went to confront the two sisters and they denied it of course.
That evening when I asked my daughter how everything was and if she had the same BORING veg soup and rice (sorry but the sisters were really stingy in providing meals...meat to them is expensive and to make profit, they went cheap with the food), she said she didn't have any DINNER. She said the aunties told her because she said things to me, she was being punished. My heart broke.
Once again I went to the sisters to ask them if this was true, and again they denied it.
I went to my husband who said that a 3 year old couldn't know that much and perhaps our daughter was making it up...basically doubting what she said to me. You see I wanted to pull them out of the daycare but as it was nearing the end of the school year, he told me to keep them in until end of November and we didn't have anyone to care for them or the time to find someone so last minute.
That was the biggest regret I had....the daycare. BUT I didn't regret confronting these two sisters. They were wrong in that they didn't let me know what happened. They just denied everything. They couldn't even make up a pathetic story if they tried so I know what my daughter was telling me had truth to it.
After that incident I found out that they love to turn the TV on all the time once the parents leave and let the kids just stare and stare away. They also asked the two helpers to use the cane on them when they wouldn't sleep in the afternoons. My daughter was smart cause at 3 she said she would just pretend to sleep (close her eyes).
Bullies come in all forms but it takes us parents to be aware of our child's (ren's) daily comings and goings. I do believe we need to speak up and bring the truth to light when something bad has happened to our child or someone else's.
By the way, the daycare is still running and every time I drive by, I pray for the children and the caregiver. I just wonder how many other daycares are like that.
This is primarily why I am a stay home mom and have chosen to stay that way until my children are grown and on their own.
That is terrible, Delighted!
It makes me really mad to hear that these child carers treat children like that!
Of course, in that scenario children must tell on them!
Do you not think that's bordering on abuse!? But why didn't your boy say anything? Oh, hang on, he was too young right? If your girl was 3, was he 2? Gasp..
Frankly, I don't think a 3 year old child would make up something like that.
I wonder if you would like to name that particular school to ward parents off from going there?? So as not to subject other children to the same treatment if possible?
Just a suggestion...
oh ya, sorry, just saw his age. 1 and a half and tied up!! AND snapped with rubber bands! That is practically a crime, Delighted...
I'm so sad and sorry for your son, what he had to go through when he was just being naturally active and curious.
I feel very strongly this kind of practice is unacceptable. It is not discipline anymore. It is torture. And from 'sisters' who are supposed to spread God's love. No children should be subjected to that kind of treatment...
I think it is wise to teach children not to hit and hurt others, but self-defense is another matter.
I think we should teach our children to fight back when attacked.
Delighted
Your children are so blessed to have you to lean on for love, comfort, guidance, and discipline.
God bless you and your family.
Hi ABC and azu , welcome to our group. Hope we'll 'see' you more!
Anyway to ABC,
My husband and I had the exact same thoughts as you when our daughter was bitten and hit by somebody else. And we sort of told her that if the person keeps hitting you than you hit back to protect yourself. However, children as young as my preschool daughter may not be able to differentiate the circumstances that requires self-defense. Maybe an older child who is more mature might be able to discern.
The reason I say that is because once when my baby (9 months old) hit my elder girl, she hit back! And when I asked her why she did that, she said "But you told me when somebody hit me, I should hit back to protect myself..." UH-OH... our bad..
So perhaps as laifchan suggested, we can start by teaching values and I think children should know their rights so to discern if they're being violated. Also, we as parents have to constantly communicate to our children about their day, their thoughts, their activities as anything can be a teaching opportunity. Guess it's not an overnight thing.
As Gandhi said, "An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind."
Becky, when a child bites, there is definitely a big problem behind the child's behaviour. If a child bites, usually they are very young and that is one way to show unhappiness as they cannot convey their emotions in words. If I may be bold enough to suggest that the parents of the child who got bitten go and talk to the parents of the child who did the biting and explain to them your shock and unhappiness with the matter, but bear in mind that the parents will either ignore you or they will be open to your approaching them.
With H1N1 and weird mutant variants of viruses appearing, I believe these types of behaviour will take primary importance with parents esp in environments of daycare, preschool and kindies.
Until one parent or more steps up to highlight this type of behaviour, everyone will usually keep quiet. Speak up and let your concerns be known. There is usually another parent or teacher who feels the same way you do but is afraid to speak up.
ABC..no to fighting back when attacked, no matter what. If you child is too young, go and see the teacher. I believe if the case is serious enough, the teacher will listen. If not, go to the principal and highlight the matter. Principals are accountable and to be known as a school or principal with a bad reputation or indifferent to matters of child welfare is not something they want to be known for.
To fight back results in the two persons involved and no one else. The bully will continue to pick on the other child without an adult stepping in. Imagine what would happen if an adult like a principal or teacher knew and confronted the child and the parents? Don't you think the parents would be ashamed and want to help the try with his behavioural problem.
Also think about fighting back in this way. What if, a child just taps another child with no intention of hitting or bullying, but the child receiving the tap (slightly hard so they assume it someone hitting them) and fight back. Is that the reaction we want our kids to have?
As they head into primary school with classes maxed to 50 sometimes, a tap will feel like a hit and even queuing up, there will be pushing which can be interpreted as shoving and can cause a reaction in our child if we teach them and tell them to fight back.
Many times I've told my two in primary school that with so many kids, be the better person and make space when queuing up or better yet, tell others to be patient and wait without pushing and thus shoving. Sometimes their friends in the class will even swear to push and shove their way in a queue.
Again, I have to stress, whether you are a working mom or stay home mom and despite how tired you are during the end of the day, we take the time to ask our child(ren) how their day was and always, they will tell us what happened. You can even talk to them when you drive them to school or any place when you have the time and you'll find they have many stories or incidences to share with you.
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