The first time I was weaned off tv was when I went to university and stayed in the hostel for 2 years. Suddenly, there was a whole lot of time to do everything else EXCEPT watch tv. Don't get me wrong, I still watch tv every now and then... at my mother's house.... coz, I don't have a tv at home. (GASP!!)
No, I'm not Amish -- nor am I too broke to get one. Amusingly, some of my relatives very kindly offered to buy us a tv set or sell theirs to us at a super cheap price (Thanks anyway!).
The reason I postpone having a tv set at the moment is because:
a) I want my children to fill their time with other activities besides tv.
b) I would prefer my family to communicate more with each other and not with the square box.
c) Actually, with all the things needed to be done, there really isn't any time to watch tv! So interestingly enough, we don't feel like there's a void in our lives.
d) I read that watching too much tv for young children especially for children below 2 years old is not only not helpful but could set back their development.
(I love Calvin and Hobbes. I don't own any of the above. Copyright belongs to the genius artist Bill Watterson)
Some mums asked me, what about educational DVDs for kids? Personally, while it may have its 'benefits', I think it's not very healthy nor helpful when children are passively glued to an object for more than an hour in one stretch. If a child were to stare at a ball for an hour without doing anything with it, would you be worried? Similarly, even though the DVDs may be marketed to 'improve babies' language development', if language is not applied and real, interactive communication is not practiced, how will babies'/children's language develop?
If we take time to just observe our kids when they watch tv, we would notice that their eyes glaze over, their mouths slightly ajar and they start to exhibit what I call the 'turtle-neck' syndrome-- their heads and necks protrude slightly forward from their hunched bodies. Oh, and they are suddenly oblivious to everything else around them.
However, as with most things, the good/bad depends again on balance. I acknowledge I picked up a lot of handy information and pronunciation of certain words from tv --- I also picked up a lot of bad language, aggression (I fought a lot with siblings -punches, slaps, kicks and all--when younger) and some things which I wished I never knew.
For now, since childhood is fleeting and they grow up so quickly, I'd want them to do more than just sit in front of that idiot box.
Dear Mamas, to each his/her own, but what do you think?
Read also:
Carpe Diem, ladies!
Becky
P/S I happened to read this column in today's STAR (30/5/2010). It's one of those sad but true moments. From the mouth of a babe.
28 comments:
My aunty told me, watching TV actually will affect the child's concentration. It's much better to gain knowledge from reading rather than from TV. The TV, the moving screen make the children to lost patience when come to study/reading. The kids can be concentrating very well when watching TV but when come to books, they will lost the patience.
When she told me this, is already too late. My kids watch TV. We have astro cartoon at home, at my parent's house and also at babysitter's house. Of course they didn't watch for hours. During school days, my daughter will hardly have time to watch TV but we will let her watch during weekend. Always seeing them watching Tom & Jerry. My boy like it because his name is Jerry .. ha. However, my girl and boy love reading. But when come to study, sometimes, they are lack of concentration too. So, I was thinking is it because of TV. My girl always glance very fast her study and tend to make mistake (although not all the time). Maybe kids who did not watch TV will be more patient towards study and less mistake.
Timely article...our astro box died recently so we've been without any TV..no TV1, etc also. It's been a blessing cuz I'm finding my kids can indeed find things to do rather than become a couch potato.
Borneo Post on Wed (5th May) has an article on kids (more like toddlers) and TV (not good results from American and Canadian research).
There is a series of DVDS/VCDS around Kuching from UK which emphasize that kids can sit and watch their learning videos and it makes the kids really smart...in the end, the company was under review and it was bogus...I can't remember what the series is called.
Less TV, more reading, sharing around dinner table, swimming, playing sports, fishing, etc. More human interaction will develop great social skills and every day living skills. Cheers!
to Anonymous, I think the videos you're referring to is Baby Einstein which is one of the links I included at the end.
Ya, less TV is definitely better for the family. TV is so addictive that when we stop watching it, there are 'withdrawal symptoms'. I remember crying or getting so emotional last time when I couldn't watch certain shows. Sigh.. if you think about it, it's not the end of the world if we don't watch tv right?
Hey Ss, do you think reducing their TV viewing might help with their concentration? Try that out, see what happens!
My girl is already 7 yrs old. As I mention, during school time, she hardly have time to watch TV. After school, sometimes tuition, piano or stay at office with me to do homework and study (sometimes will do her own artwork). So, she only watch during weekend but for certain period only coz' still have ballet & drawing lesson. So, the concentration is already affected because she watched quite a lot from 2 - 5 yrs old. She has a lot of Barney DVDs and some other educational DVD. And also Astro 613.
However, her exam result is still good. Just that when I guide her during her revision, I notice her concentration sometimes is lacking. Can be like the other topic that we've discussed, children's concentration is very limited. Could be also due to watching TV. She loves reading story books. But if you ask her to read out loud, sometimes, she'll tend to skip word. So, is this due to watching TV, the moving screen too? And careless mistake made in school work, tests ... this is all due to lack of concentration.
concentration lacking cannot be soley cuz of TV watching...think, we adults sometimes drift off when we are in the middle of something we are not interested in but have to do...bills, reading, etc.
let's encourage our kids by either sitting with them and doing our things while they do homework or read
it's helped my kids to see their old folks parents working when they are working also
I read about the 'perils' of TV to children before. That's why I am very cautious of letting my 15 month-old son watching the idiot box. But sometimes I really need a breather and so take the easy route (shame shame!) - turning on the tv. Thank God my son loves reading and listening to music so tv is mostly off at my house.
I don't think it makes us bad mums when we need to take a break once in awhile... as long as we don't overdo it. Hey, we're only human right?
congrats becky for holding off so long to have your own tv in the house
i can sorta identify with that coz though we have a tv in the house (still hooked to cantonese serials), we refused to get astro despite tremendous pressure
It was difficult especially when we're reliant on parents to care for my baby during working hours and was put on a major guilt trip: 'wah, so cam, gotta take care of your grandchildren but your children can't even install astro for you?'
after a lot of give and take, there's an astro decoder in our home but the card is at my mum's new place now!
yeah, reading the new research on how 'educational' DVDS may actually hamper children's cognitive development, i agree that a balance needs to be struck.
My personal feeling is that nothing can replace 2-way human interaction but this educational stuff are good supplements esp if you're watching them together with your child while interacting at the same time.
Practically speaking, i guess no harm done if its used to 'babysit' momentarily. I think the problem arises when human interaction is compromised/replaced by these educational stuff.
The crucial issue here is- who is in control of the TV? the main caregivers of young children, usually the mothers should be in control of the TV. she should control over :
1. when her children watch tv;
2. which tv program, dvd or vcd they should watch; and
3. for how long.
does watching tv affect children's concentration? i think not. i allow my children watch tv according to the above guidelines, and they have no problems concentrating when i sit them down on weekdays to do all sorts of activities like devotions, reading, writing/printing, coloring, painting, putting together puzzles, counting, sticking on stickers, etc. for 2 hours at a stretch or 1 hour minimun, to instill in them good learning habits and a hunger for learning while they are young. We could have continued on with our "sessions" but we had to stop due to the children taking bath, nap, lunch, dinner etc.
When parents have lost control over the tv to their children, they have most likely lost control over other areas of their children's lives, in which case, not having a tv like Becky would be a good solution.
Anonymous: When parents have lost control over the tv to their children, they have most likely lost control over other areas of their children's lives....
this is perhaps a very bad bad assumption and conclusion...pls bring in other factors as well to explain parents losing control over other areas of their children's lives....bit narrow minded thinking
To RBT
When parents control the TV in their homes, they are administering their parental authority on those children in their care.
When little 5-year-old Suzie refuses to comply to her parents' rules and limitations on TV watching, it represents a direct challenge to her parents' authority...to their leadership position as the father or mother. Suzie's parents, instead of responding to the challenge promptly by taking appropriate disciplinary actions towards her willful defiance, caved-in and from that day onwards permitted her to decide when to watch TV, which TV program, DVD and VCD to watch, and for how long, they have unfortunately been beaten in a contest of wills to a five-year-old, and made the costly mistake of yielding some of their authority to her.
Presuming Suzie continues on her path to rule her own life and prevail in the contest of wills, what can be expected when she bull-dozed her way into puberty and adolescence?
Consider the following statements:
From Dr.James Dobson's "The New Dare to Discipline" 1970, 1992-
p.13 "In the absence of adult leadership, the child is his own master from his earliest babyhood. He thinks the world revolves around his heady empire, and he often has utter contempt and disrespect for those closest to him. Anarchy and chaos reign in his home, and his mother is often the most nervous, frustrated woman on her block. When the child is young, the mother is stranded at home because she is too embarrassed to take her little spitfire anywhere. It would be worth the hardships she endures if this condition produced healthy, secure children. It clearly does not."
p.18,19 "When a child can successfully defy his parents during his first fifteen years, laughing in their faces and stubbornly flouting their authority, he develops a natural contempt for them.
'Stupid old Mom and Dad! I have them wound around my little finger. Sure they love me, but I really think they're afraid of me.' A child may not utter these words, but he feels them each time he outsmarts his elders and wins the confrontation and battles. Later he is likely to demonstrate his disrespect in a more blatant manner. Viewing his paretns as being unworthy of his respect, he may very well reject every vestige of their philosophy and faith."
p.20,21 "When younsters expresses to parents a defiant 'I will not!' or 'You shut up!', you must be willing to respond to the challenge immediately. When nose-to-nose confrontation occurs between you and your child, it is not the time to discuss the virtues of obedience. It is not the occasion to send him to his room to pout. Nor is it appropriate to postphone disciplinary measures until your tired spouse plods home from work.
You have drawn a line in the dirt, and the child has deliberately flopped his bony little toe across it. Who is going to win? Who has the most courage? Who is in charge here? If you do not conclusively answer these questions for your strong-willed children, they will precipitate other battles designed to ask them again and again. It is the ultimate paradox of childhood that youngsters want to be led, but insist that their paretns earn the right to lead them.
When mothers and fathers fail to take charge in moments of challenge, they create for themselves and their families a potential lifetime of heartache."
p.28 "When paretns lose these early confrontations (referring to willful defiance, rebellion, disobedience), the later conflicts become harder to win. Parents who are too weak or tired or busy to win make a costly mistake that will haunt them during their child's adolescence. If you can't make a five-year-old pick up his toys, it is unlikely you will exercise much control during his most defiant time of life."
con't
From Dr. James Dobson's "The New Dare to Discipline" 1970, 1992-
p.29 "A child's resistent behavior always contains a message to his parents, which they must decode before responding. That message is often phrased in the form of a question:'Are you in charge or am I?' A distinct reply is appropriate to discourage future attempts to overthrow constituted government in the home."
From Gary Ezzo, M.A. and Robert Bucknam, MD.'s "On Becoming Childwise: Parenting your Child From Three to Seven Years", 1999-
p.48 "To leave children to their own whimps is to lead them to their own destruction."
p.114 "The cliche 'children will be children' is true. Children will be children. That's why parents need to be parents."
p.160 "If a child is ready to make choices about major life issues, then they really don't need mom or dad around."
I couldn't have said it better.
Firstly, I agree and believe that we, as parents, should exercise leadership and instill values in our children so that they grow to be adults of character and integrity. There's nothing more heartbreaking than to have our sons or daughters rebelling against us.
Regarding the quotes from Anonymous' books, I think we should judge for ourselves whether some of the statements are practical or not.
For example, I have a problem with the statement: "He thinks the world revolves around his heady empire, and he often has utter contempt and disrespect for those closest to him." That, i feel is a bit presumptuous and misleading. A child may be egocentric, yes. but that is a natural part of his emotional development and we have to guide him/her to empathise with others around them.
Statements like the above can make it seem like we're in a boxing ring where parents' opponents are our own children. If children show contempt and disrespect, it is only because they learn it from the role models in their immediate environment.
Also, I think the description of the mother as "nervous, frustrated, embarrassed, stranded at home.." clearly does not apply to every woman.
What educated woman who can drive fit the mold above? My children are young, I take them practically everywhere with me. And I know of women who bring their kids to choir practices, Sunday School meetings, serving in ministries...etc
We should look at the context the statements are referring to as well as the culture because obviously, in Asian culture, no child (in his right mind) will go up to his parents and say "You shut up!" I don't know about American children though. Any Americans care to comment on this?
I think we should be cautious about statements authors make as in whether they are based on facts or it's just their personal opinions.
James Dobson has always been renowned for books and programmes on family values-which is great, but it doesn't mean I have to agree with all the statements he makes in his books.
As for Gary Ezzo, well, just google him and you can read about the controversy surrounding him.
Even if authors are Christians, I think we shouldn't take in everything wholesale. There have been popular Christian leaders/ministers in the past who have fallen. They are, after all, only human and prone to mistakes.
In other words, we should exercise a balanced judgment and practical wisdom with the mind God blessed us with.
It is too simplistic to say 'if A, therefore B'.
Is the child defiant or disrespectful because maybe the parents are like that?
Does the child have difficulty following rules because maybe adults don't follow rules themselves?
Does the child understand parents' expectations of him and do the parents' make their expectations clear?
Just as we expect them to listen because "Children, obey your parents for it is right", we should also look at the other side of the coin, "Fathers (or mothers), do not exasperate your children..."
Also want to add, in my opinion, in most situations it's not always about who is in control only but about constant communication between parents and children.
Having said that, thank you Anonymous for sharing. It makes a good discussion!
My daughter recently has developed a love for sitting down for 2 to 3 hours at a time and doing maths. God's wonderful in answering my prayer for my daughter to be away from the TV and more into other things.
A typical day, which sometimes leaves me exhausted and sleeping by 930 am is as such:
6 am Baby wakes up
6:30 am goes with us to drive the siblings to school
7:30- 8 am we sit down for breakfast and right away she wants to do maths
8-9 am I prepare meals for her daddy (2 veg meals to take to the ofc) I suggest other things for her to do like feed the fish and water the plants/flowers ; if she is finished doing all that, I'll ask her if she would like to do the following:
draw (she likes to draw family members)
play with play doh...she make sausages, pizza, chicken for me and show me
play with her Barbie dolls
read (look at pictures and pretend to read)
9 am to 11:30 am Maths maths and so much more maths
11:30 - 12:30 pm lunch
12:30 pm - housework
1 pm - pick kids up from school
1 - 3 pm Baby sleeps if I can get her to sleep
3 pm her play time or if the siblings are around, she'll hang around with them
at least 3 times a week, we'll go swimming at 7 pm for 1 hour. If it is a very hot day, i'll take her and her siblings for a swim at 4 pm or 4:30 pm
if the siblings have homework, we swim earlier those 3 times a week, come back at 7:30 pm, and her siblings will do homework and she'll do more maths
nowadays, she's really into math so to get her to wrap things up at night is hard...she gets so excited so usually i bring her to the room by 9 pm and try to settle her down
by the time her siblings are sleeping, it's 9:30 pm and i will hang clothes or fold the clothes dried from the day
so with a day filled with activities, she will hardly ever mention "can I watch television?" at all
hmmmm...When a child can successfully defy his parents during his first fifteen years, laughing in their faces and stubbornly flouting their authority, he develops a natural contempt for them.
'Stupid old Mom and Dad! I have them wound around my little finger. Sure they love me, but I really think they're afraid of me.....
please take note that this is written primarily from the experience of parenting within the USA...within Malaysia, I doubt a child would have that type of fire, outspoken or within, to DARE that with Asian parents.
Whilst it is good to have a viewpoint such as Dr. Dobson's, a renown psychologist in family, it is good not to be one minded and believe his advice is the only advice out there and live your parenting life according to it. Let us keep our minds opened to what works for us.
If a child obeys his parents and parents are willing to parent a child into a wonderful person, then that system has worked according to that family.
Every set of parents' parenting style is different according to each of their own past experience of being raised from childhood into adulthood so there are variables to consider when heeding advice from books, people, etc.
Be confident to know what works for you are a parent in this topsy turvy world we live in and be glad that if you have a good/wonderful/excellent relationship with your children and your children adore you, then you can give yourself a pat on the back.
To Becky
My reply was written exclusively within the context of a child willfully rejecting/defying the authority of her parents.
Your reply shows grave misunderstanding/misinterpretatation towards my reply and the statements you disagreed with.
For example, you disagreed with "He thinks the world revolves around his heady empire, and he often utter contempt and disrepect for those closest to him." Please read the sentence preceding this, which is "IN THE ABSENCE OF ADULT LEADERSHIP..." That sentence makes a whole world of difference here. Another way of interpreting Dr. James Dobson's statement is, with proper guidance, love and adult leadership from his parents, the child will love and respect those closest to him (its all there and more in his book).
Your comment "if children show contempt and disrespect, it is only because they learn it from the role models in their immediate environment." Is this what you mean by "it is too simplistic to say 'if A, therefore B'? Yes, respect has to be taught and modelled.
Your comment "I think the description of the mother as 'nervous, frustrated,
embarrassed, stranded at home', clearly does not apply to every woman." Of cos not, Dr. James Dobson never said that, he wrote "often" and that "often" is written in the context of- "IN THE ABSENCE OF ADULT LEADERSHIP...".
You do not have to agree with Dr. James Dobson on everything he says...but reading his book might widen your scope of knowledge in parenting etc. Have you read any of his books?
As for Gary Ezzo, I am fully aware of the controversies surrounding his methods, but there are lots of people out there whose lives have improved tremandously due to reading his books. Just google him and you'll see the many testimonies.
Yes, all Christian authors, leaders, ministers are humans and prone to mistakes. That's why all the more we educated people should ask God for wisdom and discernment whenever we read books of any kind, including your articles.
All your questions at the end of your reply are irrelevant here cos the context is "IN THE ABSENCE OF ADULT LEADERSHIP", not why the child is defiant. I have clearly stated that in the first sentence of my earlier reply.
To ShD
No, I'm not "one-minded and belive Dr. James Dobson's advise is the only advise out there and live my parenting life according to it."
To me, the Bible is the best book, and so yes, I am "one-minded" when it comes to the teachings of the Bible. It is my duty as a Christian to "test" and discern whether books, newspaper and magazine articles, textbooks, psychology books, etc are in accordance to the Bible's teachings/principles.
To Delighted
Two thumbs up to you.
To Becky
In case there's misunderstandings toward the terms "adult leadership" and "parental authority", let me define it by quoting from Gary Ezzo's book "On Becoming Childwise- Parenting Your Child From Three to Seven Years, 1990, p.48,49:
"Parental authority is not a bad thing, Quite the contrary. It is absolutely necessary in order to maintain the balance between personal freedom, responsibility, and obligation.
Parental authority represents the right of parents to insist upon conformity and compliance, especially in these three vital areas of life: morality, health and safety, and life skills.
First, parental authority is necessary to officiate ta child's morality. By your authority you lead, guide, encourage, correct, and right the wrongs, perpetrated by and on your child. By your moral authority your bring about right moral outcomes.
If your child is rude or discourteous, your work to correct it. If your child selfishly takes a toy from another, you fix the moral transgression. You return the toy to the offended party, and you teach the offender the ethics of private ownership, stealing, sharing, and how to ask for a toy. You also teach in such times the virtues of grace, mercy, forgiveness, and restoration.
You also excercise persuasive authority with health and safety issues. You insist that your child take his terrible-tasting medicine, keep his seat belt buckled, brush his teeth, chew up his vitamins, and take his bath. You call him away from the busy street, the hot stove, and the river's edge. In each case, you insist on compliance.
When it comes to life skills, you insist the cereal bowl be placed in the sink and not left on the table. You enforce a full half hour of practise every day. With your authority, backed by your resolve, you insist that the bike be placed in the garbage, the homework be done on time, and the dirty clothes be placed in the hamper.
Parental authority represents your right to insist on conformity and compliance for the sake of your child and the benefit of the neighborhood. Can it be abused? Certainly! And at times it has been. Parental authority can be taken to extremes. Too much authority leads to totalitarianism. Insufficient authority leads to social chaos. This is true for nations as it is for families.
p.50 The most important thing about parental authority is that you should be moving toward using it less and less. It should be your goal to come to place where you can lead your child only through your influence."
By that defination of parental authority/leadership, surely we can see what Dr.James Dobson meant when he wrote "IN THE ABSENCE OF ADULT LEADERSHIP..." or "when a child can SUCCESSFULLY DEFY his parents in the first fifteen years of his life..." It is by no means a simplistic "if A, therefore B." And it is definately not based on personal opinions.
To Becky
In summary let me quote from Dr. James Dobson's book "The New Dare To Discipline." 1970, 1992. p.51
"Lest I be misunderstood, I shall emphasize my message by stating its opposite. I am not recommending that your home be harsh and oppressive. I am not suggesting that you give your children a spanking every morning with their ham and eggs, or that you make your boys sit in the living room with their hands folded and their legs crossed. I am not proposing that you try to make adults out of your kids so that you can impress your adult friends with your parental skill, or that you punish your children whimsically, swinging and screaming when they didn't know they were wrong. I am not suggesting that you insulate your dignity and authority by being cold and unapproachable. These parental tactics do not produce healthy, responsible children. By contrast, I am recommending a simple principle: when your are defiantly challenged, win decisively. When the child asks, "Who's in charge?" tell him. When he mutters, "Who loves me?' take him in your arms and surround him with affection. Treat him with respect and dignity, and expect the same from him. Then begin to enjoy the sweet benefits of competent parenthood."
Love and discipline work hand in hand.
Dear Beautiful Mamas everywhere,
Carpe Diem Mamas was set up with the goal to help mothers everywhere regardless of race, religion, creed, colour, country..etc. It is my hope that as we get together to share our experiences, expertise, literature, educational programmes, links..etc.., it is to lend encouragement and support to all mums, and hopefully, to uplift us on a bad day.
I welcome your sharing and opinions. However, since we are an online group, kindly have a care with your selection of words as it is testimony of your character and the faith you may zealously profess..
Let us bear in mind that in all things, a positive balance must be struck in the spirit of learning and helping each other to become better mothers to our beloved children.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart....
Quoted from Gary Smalley's New Revised and Expanded Edition "The Key to your child's heart" 1992:
Chapter 2, Parenting for Positive Results:
*Four Basic Types of Parenting:
The Dominant Parent
The Neglectful Parent
The Permissive Parent
The Loving and Firm Parent
*The Two Most Important Factors in Raising Children
Ok ladies, when I see the four types of parenting, I shiver. Before I read this many years ago raising my young ones, I wondered first, which one I belong to, and second, which one others think I belong to or what type of parent they see me as when I deal with my children
So here I write the 2 * which provides a summary of the four types of parenting...I hope this helps you all. I do laugh at the parenting style I have and just like the personality types of sanguine, choleric, melancholy, and pghlematic, I believe I am a mix of two types of parenting styles.
Be blessed as you read this and let me know if it is helpful. We all struggle with parenting our children so it is good to be able to share our burdens.
Excerpt from Gary Smalley, page 44 of book mentioned above....
I have concluded that the two most important factors in raising children are:
1) Establishing clearly defined and understood rules in the home, limits that the children know they cannot violate without some consequence
2) A commitment to love each child in a warm, affectionate, and supportive way
(my own thoughts here is once you have committed to 2, then you have to find a book on loving each child and understanding their make up and personality)
The dominant parents are lower in their ability to show loving, warm support and higher in the establishment of rigid rules and limitations.
Neglectful parents have a tendency to be lacking in warm and loving support and also in establishing rules and limits around the house.
Permissive parents have a greater tendency to be loving, warm, supportive, and approving yet lack the ability to establish clearly defined limits and rules.
The fourth type of parent, the loving and firm parent, has established clearly defined limits and is more diligent in communicating warmth and loving support.
Let us be aware of which type(s) we are, with God's help, correct our ways of parenting with the aim of being the fourth type of parent.
God bless you all!
Although they're called differently, the parenting types you mentioned has similarities to Discipline Models from the book Constructive Guidance and Discipline, Marjorie V.Fields and Cindy Boesser:
1) Authoritarian (Dominant)
2) Authoritative (Loving and Firm)
3) Permissive
Based on research and studies:
Children raised under The Authoritarian model is associated with anger, depression, low self esteem and inability to make self-directed choices.
Likewise, those with overly permissive backgrounds demonstrate low self esteem and difficulty getting along with others.
The Authoritative model produces children with high self esteem, good social skills, general competence, and self discipline.
hi all
when i read the recent comments, i suddenly recall the article "to spank or not to spank" whereby becky wrote about her eldest daughter throwing a temper tantrum when she was denied ice-cream before lunch. i think we can apply that incident to the questions becky posted here.
"is the child defiant or disrespectful because maybe the parents are like that?"
i think not because becky is generally not defiant and disrespectful. so there must be some other reasons.
"does the child have difficulty following rules because maybe adults don't follow rules themselves?"
i think becky tries her best to follow rules.
"does the child understand parents' expectations of her and do the parents make their expectations clear?"
i think in this case becky was very clear with her instructions and at her age at the time of the incident, her child clearly understood the expectations, yet she threw a temper tantrum. why?
just something to contemplate...
anyway the important thing here is...becky, u stood your ground, so good for you and your daughter.
thank you cc..
I can honestly say it is such a challenge sometimes to stick to our own rules as Anonymous commented in "How to stay friends with our children" although parents should practice what they preach to children.
when my girl throws tantrums, not just in this case but others, and I've got another baby crying in my arms, it's so tempting to just say 'Oklah, oklah, oklah...here, take and go..'
It's also tempting to just smack her to vent but I know that's not right too.
I think a support group like this helps mothers to know we're not alone in our struggles and an occasional pat on the back (though a cyber one) is helpful to uplift us... well, it works for me!
Becky, with two older kids who want to play mini parent, sometimes i make the mistake of saying ok lah ok lah to the youngest cause of her whininess or just because i have two older mini moms I'm trying to tell to stay out of the disciplining category (hehehe) but it is times like this when we confuse our child with what we expect of them...to say yes and then no and then yes and then a dozen NOs bring confusion in them
we should try to stick to our guidelines set no matter how bad the tantrums...perhaps you just have to tell your daughter, "Love, I've got to settle your baby sister so if you want to keep crying on and on, then I'll be back to give you full attention"....I know it's not that easy but give it a try
My youngest will do that when I'm dealing with my two older ones or even having a conversation with my beloved and I just tell my beloved husband to let her go and cry. Within a few minutes she stops because she hasn't got what she wanted or my attention to what she has wanted. Majority of the time, she'll go onto her next playing task.
In this case, I know my child and letting her throw one will only last for less than 3 minutes. If she goes beyond that, I will have to find out what else is behind the tantrums...perhaps I didn't hear exactly what she wanted and assumed something...in which case, my point is:
1) stick to the guidelines you've set without breaking or changing them due to other factors surrounding the moment at the time (baby crying or frustration from heat, headache, busyness, messy house or room)
2) only you know your child and what works for you when dealing with the child although there are so many pieces of advice and reading materials out there
3) listen to her needs and give her the attention because many times, that's what they are seeking
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