I love comic artists, Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman's production, "Zits". Their comic strips depict a very typical parent-adolescent relationship. Have a look:
So sometimes I wonder, how do we stay close to our kids even when they're adolescents or older? I asked a friend of mine to share her take on this matter.
Why did I invite her in particular?
Well, a brief introduction: She's a lawyer, a golfer and a fellow Toastmaster. She has two grown kids. Her son is an accountant whereas her daughter is a tertiary student. And get this, when I first met them together, I couldn't tell they were mother and children! Why? (No, I'm not that dull...duuhh..) They were like friends! They were chatting and giggling together, they joked and whispered to each other, they discussed matters diplomatically, mother-son are in Toastmasters together , mother-daughter joined Hapkido and golf together..... and get this, the son who was overseas volunteered to return to the City of Meow to keep his mum company once the daughter left for further studies!! I mean, how many grown kids want to come back after they've left the nest just to accompany mum? Wowww.......
Why did I invite her in particular?
Well, a brief introduction: She's a lawyer, a golfer and a fellow Toastmaster. She has two grown kids. Her son is an accountant whereas her daughter is a tertiary student. And get this, when I first met them together, I couldn't tell they were mother and children! Why? (No, I'm not that dull...duuhh..) They were like friends! They were chatting and giggling together, they joked and whispered to each other, they discussed matters diplomatically, mother-son are in Toastmasters together , mother-daughter joined Hapkido and golf together..... and get this, the son who was overseas volunteered to return to the City of Meow to keep his mum company once the daughter left for further studies!! I mean, how many grown kids want to come back after they've left the nest just to accompany mum? Wowww.......
I always ask her, how do you do it? How do you remain close friends with your kids? Is there a formula?
Chan:
"My son and daughter are now 23 years and almost 20 years old respectively. I'd like to think that I am a friend to both of them although of course there is another level to our relationship, ie. that of my being a mother... someone whom they know they can rely on... a staple in their lives on whom they can focus and to whom they can run to at any time in their lives... unconditionally. But how to achieve such an idealistic state?
As a new mother, I stumbled along, had my ups and my downs as I learned along the way. But I believe the key to this is the underlying love of a mother who respects her children as individuals in their own rights.
While they are young, they look up to us for answers, for guidance. The pitfall is to try to suppress them with our own ideas and beliefs rather than pointing them in the right direction. Getting them to think for themselves how to look for solutions. So even at a young age, we have to respect the child's ability to think and work things out.
But as they grow into their teens, we see a shift as they search for independence. They will push the boundaries and test your patience, your willingness to give in to them (good or bad).
While I may be strict with my two children at this trying period, there were times when I had to pause and look deep into myself, examine my own motives when I was too strict or too relaxed with them. Rightly or wrongly, whatever path we take, if we know deep in our hearts that our motive is unselfish, that we accept that our children are their own persons, and our role is only to provide a stable secure environment they can rely on as they explore their world and learn for themselves that there are consequences to their actions and choices, then I believe we cannot be too far off the right path. It's not easy. Many's the time when we want to rush to the rescue immediately. I learnt to my detriment that trying to protect our children from hardship, providing for their every single need instead of sometimes letting them work out problems for themselves can slow their maturity and growth."
Ok, mamas, seize this opportunity and bombard her with questions to find out more!
Carpe Diem, ladies!
Becky
23 comments:
Hi Chan, I have a few ques:
1) Did you ever spank them when they were younger? or did you use verbal reasoning all the time?
2) When u said 'let them be their own persons', does that also mean letting them dress (or whatever else) as they like without imposing on them what is 'acceptable'/not?
3) Did you set a curfew for them? Do you think that is a good idea for adolescents to keep them in check?
4) What do you think of teenage dating? To allow/disallow or let them be since most puppy love don't last anyway?
My answers to your queries:
1) Spanking is only a last resort measure. Verbal reasoning and letting them know my displeasure (explained in clear terms) worked better. In all the years, I may have resorted to spanking only once or twice, and my word, I hurt more, even though I put on a brave front. Hubby did do the spanking a couple of times and although I was just as terrified, I guided them through the traumatic experience to help them understand why they deserved the spanking at the material and most importantly explained to them that the spanking is for the naughty deeds only, mummy and daddy still loves you. VERY IMPORTANT that both parents bring this message of love across. We love you, but we do not like what you have done because some things are a no-no and as our children, there are also rules with regards to specific things... esp things that are dangerous and harmful to them.
2) Often times, consciously or unconsciously, we tend to impose our will, our likes, our way of looking at things, on our children, simply because we think we know better, we are older, we have eaten more salt than they have eaten rice. An honest and real examination sometimes point to our own selfishness of making things easier for ourselves or because we just like doing things are own way. I found to my own chagrin (especially) with my first born, that being over-protective, doing everything for him, slowed his progress. When he was in upper secondary school, I still wanted to hold his hand when crossing the road from school. Had I respected his ability to take reasonable care, I would not have embarrassed him so often in front of his friends. So yes, as much as possible, to let them be 'their own person', we need a lot of patience, a lot of trust and a willingness to suffer silently while we watched anxiously how they carry out their tasks, and notwithstanding the less than perfect result, we should be cheering and giving them high fives! No doubt easier said than done, but who says mothering is easy?
3) Yes. Curfew is necessary. The caveat is that they must know exactly why the curfew is necessary. I'd like to thing that both my children (now a young man and young lady) accepted curfew because they know it was set out of love and care for their well being. From very young, they know they cannot stick their fingers into the electric switches or play with knives because they understand there are certain consequences which would be painful and maybe fatal. As a lawyer, I come across real cases of disobedience resulting in dire consequences to teenagers and I'd take the opportunity to give them detailed accounts of those stories. I do not pull my punches about the consequences of drugs, of discarded babies, when I relate those stories to them and usually I would encourage them to discuss and share their views and ideas on topics such as these. Coming back to curfews, I point out the many news articles about accidents, street brawls, fights usually occuring past midnight... and my kids know I worry alot if they do not stick to curfew times. Start with 10 pm, then progress to 11 pm and then midnight as you assess for yourself, your children's ability to act reasonably. Each child is different. As a parent, we should know how much rope to give our children. Just be careful that its not too long, they hanged themselves. Let them know your displeasures as well as pleasures. Praise works better than reprimands.
4) Teenage dating? I think a direct disallow will only encourage more rebellious and furtive actions. I think it's okay to show interest in wanting to know your kid's friends. Encourage them to visit so you get to know them. A lot of psychology is needed to show you respect your child's friendships, but at this age, better to have friends in a group, then a one only friendly.
The important part should already be set in discussions with them when they were younger about family values, morals, telling them about the birds and bees, etc.
Well, Becky, hope my answers make sense to you. Ciao.
wow, chan! very thorough.. thanks a lot! At least I have some ideas to start off with. My husband and I used to debate about the issue of curfew. I'm for it whereas he thinks it's unnecessary. But with all the hanky panky going on nowadays, i think some level of limits and boundaries are very necessary for teens' own good.
Hi Chan, as I only have a son, I'm interested to know if your son behaved differently from your daughter in the teenage years? Do you use different communication tactics with them? Thanks!
I have another ques again, when your children quarreled, how did you and hubby mediate? Do you think it's better for them to just fight it out regardless of the possible outcomes or should we intervene at some point? (just to make sure they don't hurt each other?)-- I'm referring to teen years by the way.........
Hi Gal,
yes, there are vast differences between boys and girls. I find my boy more reserved and secretive about issues relating to his body and emotional responses whereas I can easily delve into heart to heart discourse with my daughter about our feelings, our emotions, our physical make-up (especially when I was preparing her for her first monthly period). With my son, I think that having the father's input would help tremendously because the male and the female psyche are quite different. Boys are less expressive and less bothered with nitty gritty details. There's so much I want to say.... But the long and short of it is to BE SENSITIVE to each child's own characteristics and inclinations. Somehow, as a mother, we will response instinctively. Love is a very powerful catalyst.
Hi Becky,
I think its best to let them resolve the issues themselves unless one or both of them run to you to be the referee. If that happens, the tricky part is not to be seen to be taking any sides.. and I find asking them questions and making them think for themselves and eventually find their own answers help. I do find that both my boy and girl seem to be the best of friends now (even though there's some sibling rivalry from time to time) and it's heartening when I get snippets of the things they discuss and how they extol each other especially about keeping an eye on mum and dad's welfare, even though they don't exactly say that outright to us.
Re Gal: having a boy and a girl is really different. I agree with Chan. Have to douse them with love, the power of God's love thru the word of God, the bible. The ultimate authority.
Since you have a boy, go for a girl. Pray and ask God for a girl. He answers prayers. He answered mine every time. Then you'll see and love them each uniquely and individually.
Thanks, Chan, for your reply. And thank you Anonymous for your encouragement! Indeed God answers prayers.. "No" is also an answer haha..
Amen Re Gal! Just saying cos usually we expect a 'yes' for every request.. He may have different plans, that's all.
Thanks Chan for your sharing.. I hope to do as well in bringing up my kids!
indeed no is also an answer..we have to submit to the will of God
mediating arguments amongst teens is always a challenge
always ask them...WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? and that usually will get them to think...most times teens shoot off their mouths without thinking so give them a few mins to think about it before asking them to speak
Hi Anonymous, do you have grown children too? Maybe you can share with us how you get along with your kids?
Becky, my kids are now well into their 30's. I have two very independent children, Jack and Jill...yes like the nursery rhyme.
Raising a boy and a girl is like parenting from the north pole and the south pole.
With a boy, Jack's attention span was short and he was always on the go but I found early on his interests and geared his schooling towards that. He had trouble sitting still but was a good student when I could tap into what he could relate to.
He needed objectives, structures in organisation and time and was most successful when he could do one task after another. He was only interested in what he was interested in, not overall.
With Jill, she's like the forever actress...very dramatic and thus able to get along with just about anyone. She can multitask and many things interested her.
Girls tend to be easier to deal with than boys even though it seems like now my girl is the pickier ones with things in her life whereas my son is happy go lucky. Somehow is reverses when they grow up into adulthood.
As for being friends with them, as soon as you establish boundaries, and a loving open communication relationship, both parties are able to talk to each other with an open mind embracing each other's similarities and differences.
There was a stage in their lives when they seemed to zoom out of the earth as teens only to land firmly on both feet as adults..the time went by very fast but with parents always being their to support them, talk things out, ask them how they feel, the respect is there and children don't feel threatened by parents sometimes otherwise unproductive criticisms and comments...those that don't really help the situation but only show the child that I am the parent, you'd better listen to me.
I hope that helps.
Becky, Jack is now a first string violinist playing in the New York Philharmonic Orchestra while Jill is a Mathematics Professor at Cambridge University
Congratulations on having such accomplished and successful children. You must be so proud!
It is every parent's hope that our children will fare well in life later on.
Thank you for your sharing. Would you like to share some specifics on how you dealt with your kids when they were growing up? e.g. sibling rivalry, curfew, teen angst, obedience...etc?
Sometimes people say, daughters end up being closer to fathers and sons to mothers. Is that true in your case? Or are both close to both of you?
Curfews are set with no exceptions even for us, the parents.
Sibling rivalry such as back talking happens but they must be able to say sorry and cool down after such heatedness. It is important that they know they must seek each other's forgiveness thereafter.
Teens...they rocket out of earth and one day they come back to earth as adults....we encourage, love, tap into their strengths, let them know they have weaknesses but those weaknesses aren't death wishes (as teens can be so dramatic with all the hormones ranging). As teens, they still require guidance giving them space to mature and make their own decisions...some with good results and others with disastrous results but we also have to do post evaluations with them during both events...why it turned out well and why it was so disastrous. We praise them for the good turn out and help them with alternative way outs for disastrous ones. We are facilitators and let them think it through so most of the ideas come from them in the end.
Obedience, children into teens must know and have reinforced to them guidelines and boundaries set by the parents in full love...for love, and thus their safety (psychos out there, crazy drivers), well being (health issues such as late nights, and thus hard to rise mornings to school), order (rooms cleaned, dishes in sink and washed, helping out around the house), time management (so they will show courtesy if they meet others and not keep them waiting).
With obedience in order, there is mutual respect that will develop. When parents say children should follow household rules and guidelines/boundaries, that also means we, as parents, also must do the same.
I think it's so right that parents should also follow the rules set for children.
Another ques, I don't know if we are from the same country, but anyway in our community, there aren't that many people who opt for music as a long term career. Well, not as many as engineers, doctors, lawyers..etc.
Most parents encourage children to pursue careers that will 'guarantee' financial stability in the future. Your son is a musician. Did you as parents ever have any doubts about letting him pursue that line? Or did you ever sort of drop hints about which career path is more 'secure'?..
When i finished high school,my dad wanted me to be a chartered accountant so that I would always have a job...well, balancing books wasn't my cup of tea in the end.
Now, that I'm a parent, I would want my children to also have a secure future. If one day my children want to do something less conventional e.g. acting, I'm not quite sure if I should say "OK, follow your dreams!" or "How about something more 'secure'?" (no offense to actors by the way)
Or is it just a matter of crossing the bridge once we get to it?
Could we gear our son into a profession as an engineer or doctor if he has no interest at all just so that we, as parents, know that he will have a secure future?
We have to look at the interest of the child.
Yes, I am staying in your Asian region. For those who have Astro, they show programmes on Discovery Channel and a few months back there was a programme that started called Tattoo Anthropologist. Then I came across a commercial where a Theoretical Physicist was speaking.
Now can you imagine having a profession that studies tattoos or a physicists who theorizes. Would you say that is a lucrative career move? Yet years later, here the tattoo anthropologist has his own TV programme. He probably started it out as a hobby and it has turned out into a career.
Who are we, as parents, to say what career path they take? We can, of course, suggest they can consider being a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant or an engineer but they have to have the passion for it. Without passion, everything because a duty and with duty, you will not be the happiness doing it.
From your profile, your children are still soooo young. Don't think so much into the future. Work from now through to the first day of primary school first. Take it easy!
Becky, when I was young, I wanted to be a nurse. As I entered into Grade 10 (your Form 3 in Malaysia), my dad would keep reminding us that we had to get into uni and obtain a Bachelor degree.
Nowadays, a Bachelor is nothing they say. You have to go for a Masters or PhD. Times have changed.
One couple in our church with grown girls shared with me one time that as the father, he holds a Masters in Engineering so for the future son in laws, they have to have a Masters or even better, a PhD...wow what pressure on the boyfriends of the girls but that is their standard.
During my uni days, I wanted to transfer from the uni of my parents' choice to one they considered less prominent to pursue a degree in Criminology. They thought I was crazy to be a Criminologist. Now look at CSI on TV and so many careers in the US/Canada re: criminology. OK CSI is only a TV program but hey, it sparked an awareness of criminology and careers thereafter.
When my parents didn't like me thinking about transferring into a degree in Crimonology, I went into the field of Political Science hoping to go into law school. From law school I wanted to go to Europe and get a job in the UN (any type of job) where I could learn more about countries working together and world organizations and peace keeping matters. Unfortunately my parents also believed we should pay our own way through school so without enough funds, I had to finish with a degree in Political Science.
Five years after that I got married, moved to Kuching, had children, got a diploma in TESOL, worked for a while and now I'm a stay home mom and loving the fact that although I haven't put my TESOL to use working with students, my three children are my immediate students.
I heard Oprah Winfrey always reminding her viewers that YOU HAVE TO BE PASSIONATE with what you are doing because having PASSION will drive you to continue on with little effort.
If you love doing what you do, there is reason to get up and going now isn't there and more importantly, it will seem so effortless because you love doing what you do.
As your children grow and grow, you'll see their uniqueness and individual personalities popping out. You will then see their likes and dislikes and tap into their strengths and weaknesses.
If your worries are for your futures, pray and ask God to guide you and them in this area. God has never failed me yet in all areas of my life. I prayed for the gender of each child and God granted it. Praise God cause he could have chosen not to answer my prayer.
When you don't know what to do, pray, pray and pray some more. God will give you a sense of peace to relieve you of your worries and take your thoughts off thinking about what worries and into Him.
Remember the song, Turn Your eyes upon Jesus ... and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace. Those lyrics of the song, I live by. Even in times of struggles and when I find it hardest to sing or hear these lyrics, I still do and God delivers.
Thank you Anonymous! Ya, I should take it easy... Told you guys I'm a worry wart!!! (secret: I even think about what kind of sons-in-law I prefer.. Ok, OK, OK.. I know -- I'm NUTS!)
Thank you also Delighted. Guess sometimes it's a matter of taking things one step at a time until everything falls into place.
I'm so glad we have mature mothers sharing their golden wisdom!!
Becky, you can be a prayer wart, instead of a worry wart.
Before my 1st daughter was born, I still remember years before, when I was in a fellowship studying the story of Hannah, I told God that, that is the name I want for my daughter, my first child.
Years later, before my son (2nd child) was conceived, I prayed and asked God for a little boy. Before conceiving I was thinking of names and of course all the contemporary bible names came up but you know they are so common so I asked God, put into my heart a name that would bring a joy and warmth to my heart. I thought of Bartholomew, Moses, Stephen, Joseph, but one night as I lay asleep, all of a sudden I was filled with a great warmth and love, the name Noah came into my mind and heart. That was from God.
Many many years later, my daughter asked for a sister. Both hubby and I, before we got married, desired for 3 children and 6 years into my prayer for baby #3, God planted an idea into my hubby's mind and heart. My desire for baby #3 was earlier than his but the feeling came over lunch one afternoon with friends when we saw their young girl playing (she was 3). The following week on a Wednesday night, hubby asked me if I wanted to try for another child. I rejoiced secretly in my heart for I knew God heard my prayer.
Now with each child after I conceived them, immediately I prayed that into their lives one day, God willing they marry, in case God wills them to be single, God present to them a Godly man and woman so that both can walk in the ways of the Lord and bring up their children as such. We pray our generations will be in the presence of the Lord and turn to the Lord in all circumstances and places.
So with all that said, I consider myself a prayer wart and not worry wart. God is a God of answered prayer...yes sometimes he answers our prayers and sometimes he doesn't but when he doesn't, He has his own reasons. We just have to surrender. When He does, you feel, see the power of God work in your life.
So Becky, join me to be a prayer WARRIOR for your children and your family. Worry less and lift your thoughts to the Lord. He will sort them out for you in His wonderful time and will.
Philippians 4:4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
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