Grandparents are a blessing aren't they? They help to babysit to give parents some couple time, they buy stuff that our kids like, pamper them, pick them up from school when parents are caught up elsewhere..etc. They give bucketfuls of love. They are God sent. Family support in this form is so helpful as I'm sure families away from their own hometowns can attest. Nothing like being away from your own parents to help us appreciate them more. 
Most of us have experienced the occasional minor disagreements with our own parents/parents-in-law regarding giving of junk food, tv viewing, saying certain inappropriate words (e.g. calling our child naughty/stupid/fat)..etc...
Usually, polite repeated requests will reduce the frequency of such incidents - I doubt if it is possible to stop it altogether. If it's not something major, usually mummies have to just close one eye (while gritting and grinding our teeth--let's be honest here!).
Usually, polite repeated requests will reduce the frequency of such incidents - I doubt if it is possible to stop it altogether. If it's not something major, usually mummies have to just close one eye (while gritting and grinding our teeth--let's be honest here!).
I have met some mums though, who have a really challenging time with the grandparents as they feel their own authority is side stepped resulting in confusion or rebellion in their own child/children.
I know of one mum, who stays with her in-laws. She has a hard time disciplining her child because every time she does so, the grandmother would interfere saying things like "Aiyah, he's just a small boy, never mind, never mind.. boy, you run along now." And the boy gets away scot free. Or she would ask him to brush his teeth and the grandmother again would come to the rescue, 'Brush what teeth! No needlah.. new ones will grow anyway. No point to brush now.." (while feeding him candy on the side -- the boy has a row of black teeth, by the way). When I asked her, "Why don't you tell his grandmother to let you handle him?" She sighed..."Easier said than done. We are staying with her. What if things turn sour?" Due to such circumstances, her son doesn't listen to her and runs to the grandmother for everything.
I used to have a 4 year old student who used words like 'stupid'/'idiot' on his friends and I highlighted this matter to his mum. The mum, visibly upset, said while she reprimanded him, she couldn't help it as his grandfather would use such words with him "Why you so stupid-lah!" So, even though she mentioned it to the grandfather, it would stop for awhile before continuing again. To the grandfather and aunty, it was natural for them to use such language and they thought it wasn't a big deal. Incidentally, the families also stay together.
Now, what's a mum to do in such situation? While it is natural to answer the mother must be strong and speak up, or pray, or get the husband to support her....what if for some people, it's just not that easy due to obligations/lack of financial independence/husband listens to parents more than wife/husband doesn't care/whatever reason...?
Have you been in this situation before? Or know of other mothers who have been/are in this situation? How did you/they handle it?
Hmm... I wonder if there are any grandmamas in our midst who can share their side of the story?? (If you're a grandmama and you read blogs ... WOW!)
It would be good if some experienced mothers can impart their practical wisdom and for all of us to share how to handle such matters tactfully.
Carpe Diem, ladies!
Becky
(P/S Even though my title is Parents vs. Grandparents, I have yet to meet a father who has issues with grandparents like mothers do. But you never know...)
10 comments:
Becky,
in reply to your P/S...same here...men are more laid back and i tend to think God made them into the make up to analyse less and think less....that's why they like TV so much...no talking back or response...they just stare and stare and stare...hehehe
Hahaha Delighted! I'm with you on that!! So so true....
hehe, my hubby must b a rare species...
sometimes he's more particular with how my mum does things with my baby while i tend to cave in under pressure ;(
to be fair 2 my mum, she tries her best 2 remember 2 b consistent with how we do things but she 'forgets' or rationalises that her tried and tested ways are ok.
case in point: we're trying very hard to help my nearly 8 mth old learn to sleep by himself ie without nursing or being rocked while carried till fast asleep at night.
well, of course our baby protested (read: bawled) when my husband put him down in his cot once he was drowsy but not fast asleep yet. From 45 mins, he's down to a small wail for a few minutes 2nite.
This is after 2.5 weeks. Due to inconsistencies in routine (dinner outside, late nights working) he sometimes cried longer than the night b4. We're praying real hard that he'll continue to sleep better on his own from now on.
My mum cannot understand how we can bear to let him cry-well I could hardly stomach it myself, but it was either short-term pain now or maybe having 2 wait till he was 2 yrs old which would've affected my functioning long-term at work if he took that long to night-wean.
As for mum, she kinda knows about the sleep training and doesn't like it-she'll say things like: "J, you b a good boy & don't cry yourself to sleep at night" and proudly announce that when he co-sleeps with her when I'm outstation, he never cries to sleep due to her rocking!
But, I think she understands that ultimately, our son will have to live with us and adapt to our lifestyle. It helps that we're staying nearby but separately :)
laifchan, i know a lady who had this experience...
when her baby was 1 1/2 years old and sleeping well day and night, one night, he just woke up crying and wanting the parents to give way.
both parents agreed to let the baby cry...they stood firm and both couldn't cave...they followed the babywise book way
the baby cried for 3 nights in a row from 2-4 am. the parents felt bad for neighbours but knew if they caved, the child would have them in the palm of his hands...
on the 4th night, not a peep...baby slept soundly, back to routine.
so it really is where the parents stand their ground.
some crying is ok as long as the child doesn't hyperventilate or vomit all their food out. usually the baby wants the parents to give in
if you desire, read the babywise books. it has helped a lot
it's a routine based schedule for baby and to keep the mother/father sane.
it's not for everyone but it has helped me in some ways.
thanks RBT,
yeah, heard bout babywise from friends who found SOME principles helpful ie the eat play sleep cycle to help them sleep thru the night faster
however, I have my qualms bout strict feed scheduling and the claims (only hearsay, haven't read the book) that you can train the baby to sleep thru the night by 8 weeks- too early personally if you're breastfeeding on demand as there is the risk of dehydration, failure to thrive etc.
I found this link helpful coz the author seems more balanced and non-rigid, basically advocating tailoring the training to suit your baby's temperament, your personality and lifestyle:
http://www.babysleepsite.com/breastfeeding/cry-it-out-wean-breastfeeding/
We still have a long way 2 go, my boy is not very consistent yet.
I think that everyone has different preference when it comes to sleep training . I'm kinda pro-Sears method (attachment parenting). I've gotten used to nursing my babies to sleep and don't really mind getting up at night to tend to her. When they were infants and they woke up, I liked carrying them out to the living room to 'chat' and sing to sleep. To me, this is only a passing phase. My first girl fared well. when i weaned her off at 11 months, it was a 2 in 1, weaned her off breastmilk AND nursed to sleep. She cried for a week.I would carry and comfort her though. After that, she slept through alright.
At the end of the day, if it doesn't endanger babies' well being,I think it's about what works for each parent.
I didn't force my kids to sleep by themselves. For me, sooner or later, they will want their own privacy. My girl when she's 3 years old, we do tell her that she should sleep by herself in separate room. She's quite excited of having her own room with her preferred decoration. However, to make room for her, will need time too. Somehow, routine work has make us put this to the last of our list ... "sorry dear". So, until today, she's still sleeping in our room (as our master bedroom is quite big) but different bed. Sometimes, I asked her to sleep on our bed with us first and we carry her to her bed when she fall asleep. However, she tried a few times but just couldn't fall asleep on our bed. She need to sleep in her bed to fall asleep.
Guess I'm not that particular on training the kids on purpose. For some things, when time comes, they will be able to cope by themselves. Different kids/people different timing of maturity. But I would strongly suggest to let the children to sleep at grandparents house once in a bluemoon (should start during infant) so that sometimes when emergency, they will be able to sleep overnight there. I myself got foot and mouth before and need to be away from my kids for about 1 week. So, both my kids slept at my parents house for 1 week. Thank God, things was ok. Only until last few days, my boy suddenly remember of me and start saying he want mummy.
I am grateful to have my parents around to help. We didn't stay together, of course. My daughter is very close with my dad too. Everytime my dad on travelling, he'll call to my hp just to talk to my daughter (but not me). He used to pamper her but my mum and I explained to him our difficulty to discipline her. That was few years ago. Finally he understand and cooperate with us. My daughter also understand and things get much better.
Hi Ss, ya, you know my dad did things for my first girl which he never did for us if memory serves me right(his own children) e.g. changing diapers, washing poop, rocked her to sleep, calling her just to talk to her (just like you, not to talk to me!) ... etc.
Haha, by my 2nd girl though, all novelty has worn off and both grandparents (my side) are not as enthusiastic about changing soiled diapers anymore...
to each his/her own, to echo becky.
well i had to struggle with being put on a guilt trip everytime my mum asked: 'so, he cried himself to sleep again-ah?'
i guess her philosophy of letting certain things phase out naturally (er... when depends on individual child again ) is something that suited her when she cared for us full-time at home, but not something i can deal with while working away from home full-time.
Being sleep-deprived affects my mental function drastically, don't think anyone wants to consult a health-care professional who's dozing off!
Thank God my hubby is supportive and we both reassure each other that we still love our baby very much but need to take certain measures to keep our sanity to be able to be effective parents as well as employees and children to our own parents.
My 2nd boy, they realise they didn't do as much to him as my girl. So, since the day they realise, they try their best to be fair and put more attention to him too. At first, my boy also not used to be with them coz' he seldom stay overnight there and he was at the babysitter in the afternoon and only until recently he stopped going and now with my mum in the afternoon. My girl stopped going to babysitter since 4 yrs old (J1). When he is older, he will has his reasoning too. He asked my "Why sis can go to grandma house where as he go to babysitter." We realise he grow up already and has his reasoning. So, finally my mum and I decided to let him stay with my mum too. The reason we didn't put him there earlier is that bro and sis tend to have a lot of fighting. Headache also ... But anyway, this kind of fighting will also only last for few years .. maybe 10 years ?? We ourselves also fight with sibling when we are young. Maybe not all but I do. I don't fight but our mouth debating ... really trained my debate skill ... ha ha.
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