Dear Mamas, I know I said I'll put up 4 posts on sleep training by 4 experts. But is it ok if we take a break from sleep training for awhile? I will put it up soon, last one will be Babywise method by Gary Ezzo. However, if you don't mind, I'd like to discuss something totally different.
Do you ever have differences/disagreements with your spouse when it comes to the children? Maybe you say "No chocolates" but your spouse says "It's ok. Just a small piece."
Or maybe you say, "Don't buy anymore toys. Too many already!" but your spouse goes, "Mm..he doesn't have this remote control car yet..."
Sort of like the issue of Parents vs. Grandparents.... only that it's with your spouse?
After awhile, are your children running to Mr. Yes to get the things they know Mrs. No will surely deny them? Perhaps he's Mr. No and you're Mrs Yes?
In any case, how do you think parents should resolve this matter amicably? (As in, without taking each other's eye out or resort to a week-long Cold War.)
How do couples define what's trivial and what's not? For one parent, maybe eating 'keropok' is not a big issue but to the other parent, it's sacrilege allowing your child to ingest poison like that! (Anyway, this is not limited to food only)
I think this sort of issue falls on a lot of gray areas as it's hard to define what is acceptable/not. What's food to one man could be poison to another. And this has a lot of other factors to consider e.g. family and upbringing, education, personality differences...etc.At the same time, if this 'conflict' is left brewing, it may take on an unhealthy development because:
a) Children may not respect the wishes of one parent if the other parent doesn't set the example
b) Repeated arguments or cold wars over 'trivial' issues can cause confusion in children
c) Children may pick up unhealthy habits e.g. telling on one parent to the other parent "Ma! Papa gave me candy!!!" (Ma turning purple in the kitchen..)
d) It's just not good for building healthy husband-wife relationship
e) Children may take advantage of parents' disagreements
Usually, women are more picky and petty about 'small' matters. (I wonder if there are any men like that?) Dear ladies, please share how you solve this predicament. Sometimes, the phrase "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" rings so much louder and truer at this point..
12 comments:
Becky, this is much more difficult than method use to take care of a baby. when 2 have different point of view coz' both brought up in different environment and ways of life, is kind of difficult to find the neutral point. i have this problem too but ... i can't remember clearly (as i mention before, i really have very bad memory). the recent arguments is on the way to guide my girls's studies. he say i'm too strict on her. but this point, i do look back to myself and agree with him although when he first tell me, i argue with him, ha ha...
he's a chocolate and nut lover and my girl now is also chocolate and nut lover. but i'll still advise my girl not to eat too much. have to limit herself. i won't stop them totally from taking it or else i think i'll be too extreme but will advise my girl to only take some, not too much and not everyday. she's old enough to understand and to know what is healthy food and what is not. teachers have been teaching since kindy.
i think to come to a neutral point, we will go through lots of arguments but if we are willing, we definitely can come to a solution. but both daddy and mummy has to move one step back. we cannot make our spouse to totally just listen to us. is easy to say than do ... sometimes, when he point out what i do is wrong, i'll shoot all my points to him until he got nothing to say. well, this maybe due to my childhood trained when i 'debate' with my brother. but after sometimes, i'll still think about what he said. i know i'm not right all the time.
junk food or 'keropok' ... ya, we can say that it's poison ... however, both my husband and i take some once in a bluemoon and i use to take it in office so that my kids won't see me eating junk food ... ha ha. however, now when my girl in P1, she now knows more junkfood than i do. her friends buy from canteen and they will all share together. so, i won't stop her from taking junkfood since they share, they won't be eating much. i only remind her ... 'girl, all these 'keropok' are unhealthy. once or twice a week is ok. definitely don't eat everyday.
thank u for your honest sharing.
I always wonder how couples reconcile their differences.
As I said, some are in gray areas-not necessarily food-related.
e.g. hygiene, safety, appropriate dressing, table manners, curfew, outings..etc the list can go on as children grow cos one parent will always err on the safe side, while the other parent is less cautious/"everything can as long as you don't kill yourself".
I observe my own parents and up till today, they cannot agree on some fundamentals. It's not a matter of life or death but it's enough to cause long term conflicts.
surprisingly my parents, my bro & his wife really seldom have arguments like i do with my husband. my mum has a very good temper. as for my bro and his wife ... well, i heard from my sis-in-law's bro who live with them for few years in NZ, he told us he never see them quarrel. only joking with each other ... and i think my sis-in-law, also has a very good temper.
i have bad-temper so sometimes, i would think that he's quite unfortunate to marry me ... however, after 8 years of marriage, he also learnt to shoot me his point to me ... but one thing good about this ... after arguments, we seems much closer as we understand more about each other. so, don't feel too bad when got arguments with ur spouse. of course, don't do it on purpose. i mean just in case we argue, is not the end of the world. sometimes when argue ... you know we tend to talk fast when we argue and sometimes, we say the wrong word and turn the arguments in laughter. well ... this is marriage life, i guess. although not all couple have this experience.
but on things which have different view, try to find a point where both are happy with. i think i do learnt a lot from arguments. well, not a good example though.
haha,
i think communication issues b/t spouses are 1 of the main areas of conflict.
went for a marriage course which was quite helpful last year-lemme try to remember some principles.....
i think 1 way to communicate better was to learn how to listen better. We each had to give a specific time to our other half to say they're piece without interrupting and vice versa.
i guess when it comes to differences, sometimes we have to learn how to agree to disagree.
But,when it comes to parenting, evryone agrees that the best way is be consistent, so how?
Mebe we can agree on principles and try not to sweat too much about the minute details ie being healthy is important but being squeaky clean all the time may be too obsessive.
Reminds me of a piece of research that I read that found a higher rate of asthma in children who were 'too clean'-can't remember the definition.
I think that both husband and wife may have to meet in the middle as a compromise if both are at the opposite ends of the argument ie from absolutely no curfew to curfew under certain circumstances maybe?
ya, it's all very ideal when both are level headed. When emotional, that is a bit challenging..
I'll give u an example. We went for dinner once with another couple and their daughter. The father was loudly slurping his soup and the daughter did the same. The mum tried to correct the daughter, but the father is doing the same thing and doesn't think much of it. After awhile, the mum just shakes her head and said 'Upbringing..sigh'.
In front of us she with held herself, but we sorta know they argued a lot about 'petty' things like the above. So who's wrong/right? Should the mum say "Fine, slurp as much as you want" or should the dad go against his upbringing, which makes him uncomfortable and restricted?
although i have arguments with my husband, but minority is about the kids. he let me handle most of it and we kind of can agree with each other on kids matter. before any decision made, i'll always seek for his approval. only sometimes ... example when i'm too extreme, he'll talk to me. sometimes when he say to me, i'm in my temper already, of course i can't listen. but when i cool down, i'll still think through it and will adjust to it.
we work together ... has been adjusting ourselves not to argue about works and learn from experience, has used our own ways to avoid and is much better now and we've been working in same company for 8 yrs now.
It's when there are 2 different points of views and two different upbringings that make a marriage and relationship more interesting...if you ever want to be a negotiator, for a living, enjoy this type of relationship because it gives you ample practice.
Over time, as a couple, you learn to fall into the middle rather than 2 extremes in upbringing and when it comes to the love and well-being of your children, wouldn't every parent want the best for them...the best of the mother and the best of the father into the best of the child.
ladies, try to think more positively.
Don't think, oh so different....so it's so difficult...try to look on the brighter side of things otherwise it'll become realllllyyyyyyyy depressing!
true, true, RBT..
Sometimes, when tempers and emotions run high, it's very easy to think negatively..
But once things calm down, I ask myself "Would I marry anyone else?.... Nah! Not a chance!"
RBT: I like how your phrased it "..the best of the mother and the best of the father into the best of the child."
Well said!
Hey Becky, I agree with RBT, the best of the mother, the best of the father, but here is a story of a simliar and as this kid put it the uglier kind....hehehhehehehehe.
The other day in church, I heard a young boy say to his mother, You look ugly today! I was shocked.
I went to the boy and asked him why he said that. He got scared and shrugged his shoulder. Then I told him that if he thinks his mother is ugly, he has 50% of his mother's genes...he was make from 50% of his mother. I phrased it so many different ways so he could understand what I was talking about.
So if his mother is ugly, then this boy is 50% ugly. He never said anymore after that.
I encouraged him to bless him mother by complimenting her on anything and everything, ie the colour of your blouse is beautiful today, thanks for the juice, thanks for cooking for us, etc.
After 2 weeks, I looked for him in church. His big bro went to find him and this boy was so scared about why this aunty was looking for him. The first thing I did was put my arm around him and say Thank You for coming when Aunty asked for you. I then proceeded to ask him if he paid his mother any compliments.
He said no and shrugged his shoulder again. I listed other examples again and encouraged him to pay compliments to his mother and father.
I will follow up in another 2 weeks.
We need to teach our children positivity and to be encouragements to others and family.
I think the next time this boy sees me, he's going to run away..haha.
I wonder where did the boy learn to say such things to his mom? Hmmm...
Maybe it's just a thoughtless remark?
:) I think you might have scared him, Delighted!
We should never underestimate the power of a child...meaning, perhaps he didn't learn it from anywhere...that's simply how he feels
Perhaps his mother was skinnier and younger looking 10 years ago and let things go (due to taking care of 2 active, v active boys).
Perhaps he compares his mother's looks and ways with other kids and wishes his mother looked better and treated him better
and Yes, perhaps his parents makes comments like that and they learn from them.
All I know is that this boy meant what he said and his face showed it as so did his body language.
I see a boy who has lost respect for his mother (I don't even want to know what he thinks about his father) and we, as aunties and uncles, can help him appreciate his parents once again or more by giving them examples like I did about 50% of the genes in him is his mother's, by using our wise words that only comes from the Lord Jesus and show with our actions that we accept and love those around us regardless of aging, behaviour, words, etc.
Becky, I intended to scare him because his words were really mean and he said it in front of his mother too. Imagine what the mother felt. I just don't want to hear words coming out of children's, that young, mouths and if they do, I hope I can instill some words of wisdom so they can relate or try to relate to how a person might feel when they receive that type of information, esp a family member as close as his mother.
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