D.I.Y. Play dough Fun!

I love play dough! Who doesn't?

It's a great form of play that is divergent with endless possibilities and plenty of room for creativity. Children love it and they come up with the most amazing things if we just let them be. It's also educational; when I make it with my daughter, I'd tell her the measurement for the ingredients needed (Maths concept), what they're called (Vocabulary - Language), what they're for (e.g. salt for preservation - Science concept) and I let her mix and knead it (Fine Motor Skills).

Between commercial and home made play dough, I prefer the latter simply because:

a) Making it is part of the fun

b) It's more economical

c) Safe, non-toxic and edible (though not for eating, but in case they put it in their mouths, it's not the end of the world for us..)

d) We can make fresh batches everytime the old ones are stale or dirty.

Here's the recipe I usually use:

2 cups of flour

1 cup of salt

4 teaspoons cream of tartar

1 cup of hot water 

1 tablespoon of cooking oil

Food colouring (amount depends on how bright you want the colour to be)

Method: Mix dry ingredients followed by wet ingredients together. Knead until smooth and 'clean', as in it doesn't stick to your hands or the table. If it's sticky, add more flour. If too dry and crumbly, add a bit of water. Keep in airtight container. Should last about two weeks or more-depending on how tight the container is. It is even better to keep it refrigerated. If it starts to smell funny, discard and make a fresh batch.

My 'masterpieces':

 Meet the

residents of 

"Gumby-ville".

  Daughter's 'masterpieces':

"Mask"

"Thumbelina"

What other D.I.Y play ideas have you tried with your children at home? 



More play dough recipes to try as they yield different textures and consistency:

Oatmeal dough
2 cups oatmeal
1 cup flour
1/2 cup water

Combine ingredients and knead well. Finished projects can be painted when dry.

Baker's Clay
1 cup cornstarch
2 cups baking soda
1 1/2 cups cold water

Combine ingredients. Stir till smooth. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly until consistency is like dry mashed potatoes. Turn out onto plate or bowl, covering with damp cloth. When cooled, knead thoroughly until smooth.

Salt Dough
4 cups of salt
1 cup cornstarch

Combine with sufficient water to form a paste. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly.

(Source: Creative Resources for the Early Childhood Classroom, 2nd edition by Judy Herr and Yvonne Libby)

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky

Money issues - Leading cause of Marital Problems?

Recently, there was a discussion on the radio about money issues being the main source of marital quarrels. 

Agree/Disagree ?

In fact, a study by Jeffrey Dew, Utah State University, found that couples who argue about money once a week are 30% more likely to divorce than couples who disagree about finances few times a month.

Here are some common examples of  how money issues can drive a wedge between couples:

• Wife complaining that Husband doesn't earn enough.
• Husband wants Wife to work to help pay for bills, whereas Wife wants to be full-time homemaker.
• Wife blames Husband for losing their savings in a bad investment choice.
• Wife earns less than Husband, but is expected to pay for all other household expenses while Husband pays for car and house loans.
• Husband thinks Wife spends too much on a handbag whereas Wife wouldn't be caught dead with an imitation Louis Vuitton.
• Husband/Wife feels spouse passes too much money to his/her own family members.
• Wife is hurt that Husband has not changed his insurance policy beneficiary to her instead of his sister.

The list is endless as it differs from couple to couple. Although the situation is unique to each couple, it all boils down to managing each other's expectations. For example, before we got married, my then fiance thought both of us should pay for future expenses equally. I, on the other hand, thought THE MAN should shoulder most of the financial burden as the woman would be shouldering a different kind of burden besides work: pregnancy, labour pain, child birth, breastfeeding pain, sleepless nights, childcare, managing household -- so wouldn't the woman be tipping the scale already as far as contributions are concerned?

Anyway, the pre-marital course we attended brought to light our differences due to our:

a) Family Upbringing

b) Financial Background

c) Financial Goals and Priorities. 

To prevent such disputes, disciplined planning and budgeting are advocated.

Here are some more useful tips about solving money problems within marriage - summarized:

1. Communicate openly and honestly about:
i. Goals
ii. Limits 
iii. Budget

2. Set Aside Selfishness

Simple, yet not so simple, right? 

How else should couples iron out their $$$ disputes? And just for the fun of it, should husbands give wives a monthly allowance? Even if the wife is working and earning a salary? But if wives earn more, should they give husbands an allowance then?

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky

"Spring Cleaning"...........

Hi all, 

As you can see, I've given the mama blog a new look. Just like how we spring clean our homes and rearrange the furniture every now and then, a change is always good for the soul. Besides the new look, other changes that follow:

a) Frequency of Posting

I've decided to post every Monday and Thursday or twice a week. This is due to time constraint on my part as well as to give time for readers to ponder and respond to each post.

b) What the Men say in "Man Talk"

Although the blog's topics and discussion so far have been exclusively mama/women-oriented, I will be asking papas or papas-to-be to give their point of view on certain topics, comments previously submitted by readers. questions on parenting/marriage/children...etc. This will take place every 1st and 3rd week of the month on Thursdays. Let me know if you'd like to volunteer your husbands!

That's all for now. Hope we can all move forward with a fresh new start! But do expect some 'spring cleaning' every now and then. :D

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky

Multiple Intelligences

Somebody sent me this video of a talk by Sir Ken Robinson, creativity expert who challenges the way we are educating our children. He champions a radical rethink of our school systems, to cultivate creativity and to acknowledge multiple types of intelligences. I urge you to have a look-- it is hilarious and enlightening:

Ken Robinson, Schools Kill Creativity. video

Along with that, I have also listed out here different types of intelligences as postulated by Howard Gardner, a psychologist and professor of neuroscience from Harvard University. His theory challenged the age old understanding that everyone is born with a uniform cognitive capacity that can be measured by short answer tests....which is practiced in our education systems today.

Hopefully, this will make us rethink about how our children should learn as well as appreciate that every individual's capability is not necessarily measured by the school's report card....

Gardner's Multiple Intelligences:

 
1. Linguistic Intelligence: the capacity to use language to express what's on your mind and to understand other people. Any kind of writer, orator, speaker, lawyer, or other person for whom language is an important stock in trade has great linguistic intelligence.



 

2. Logical/Mathematical Intelligence: the capacity to understand the underlying principles of some kind of causal system, the way a scientist or a logician does; or to manipulate numbers, quantities, and operations, the way a mathematician does.

 


 



3. Musical Rhythmic Intelligence: the capacity to think in music; to be able to hear patterns, recognize them, and perhaps manipulate them. People who have strong musical intelligence don't just remember music easily, they can't get it out of their minds, it's so omnipresent.


 

4. Bodily/Kinesthetic Intelligence: the capacity to use your whole body or parts of your body (your hands, your fingers, your arms) to solve a problem, make something, or put on some kind of production. The most evident examples are people in athletics or the performing arts, particularly dancing or acting.
(pic: Gillian Lynne, choreographer of CATS)
 



5. Spatial Intelligence: the ability to represent the spatial world internally in your mind -- the way a sailor or airplane pilot navigates the large spatial world, or the way a chess player or sculptor represents a more circumscribed spatial world. Spatial intelligence can be used in the arts or in the sciences.


6. Naturalist Intelligence: the ability to discriminate among living things (plants, animals) and sensitivity to other features of the natural world (clouds, rock configurations). This ability was clearly of value in our evolutionary past as hunters, gatherers, and farmers; it continues to be central in such roles as botanist or chef.

7. Intrapersonal Intelligence: having an understanding of yourself; knowing who you are, what you can do, what you want to do, how you react to things, which things to avoid, and which things to gravitate toward. We are drawn to people who have a good understanding of themselves. They tend to know what they can and can't do, and to know where to go if they need help.

8. Interpersonal Intelligence: the ability to understand other people. It's an ability we all need, but is especially important for teachers, clinicians, salespersons, or politicians -- anybody who deals with other people.

9. Existential Intelligence: the ability and proclivity to pose (and ponder) questions about life, death, and ultimate realities.

 

 (Source: Gardner,MI)

Do you think your child may be inclined toward a particular kind of intelligence? With this knowledge of multiple intelligences, what do you think about letting a child join all kinds of activities vs. focusing on one?

"Mama's Battle Scars"

For mums-to-be, getting pregnant is both a joyful and harrowing experience. We go through a lot of hormonal, emotional and physical changes. Speaking of physical, one can't deny that before and after pregnancy, our bodies just aren't the same. I like to call them "Mama's Battle Scars"-- signs of how we sacrifice a little of ourselves as we bring new life into the world. 

Here's a short list of some common 'battles scars' and how to prevent/treat them (if at all possible). 

JELLY BELLY

One can easily tell if a woman has or hasn't given birth when you see her in tight or hipster jeans. 

For those who have given birth, our lower belly tends to 'spill over' the top, looking like the edge of a muffin. My jelly belly was so severe (I gained an extra 27kg while pregnant with my 2nd), that people were still asking me if I was about to deliver soon -- 6 months AFTER I gave birth.. (true story!)

Prevention:

I doubt if there is any way to prevent this as our muscles are stretched so much while our uterus expands.

Treatment:

- Breastfeeding as much as possible to help the uterus contract.

- A comprehensive exercise program which includes cardio workout and ab toning exercises.

STRETCH MARKS

More than half of pregnant women will develop stretch marks during pregnancy and the color range from pinkish to darker streaks of blue or purple. For darker skinned women, they may be lighter in color. I was shocked when I spotted purple stretch marks on both my thighs when I was first pregnant.  At that time, I just bought a bottle of stretch mark cream and didn't even have the chance to apply it. Apparently, the amount of stretch marks one gets depends on how elastic our skin is, which depends very much on our genetic make-up--  and which, unfortunately, is out of our control. It also depends on how rapidly we gain weight -- which is within our control. Supposedly...

Prevention

-So far, there are no scientific studies that support the claims of different creams and lotions that can prevent stretch marks although some women may swear by cocoa butter. My sister used Bio-Oil and it seemed to have done her some good. 

- The best thing to do besides using creams is to gain the recommended amount of weight (between 25 and 34 pounds). 

Treatment

-First and foremost, stretch marks tend to fade by itself or become lighter over time although they may not completely disappear. So, if it does, nothing more to worry about...

- Apparently, there are methods e.g. laser treatments, surgical skin resection, microdermabrasion which are expensive and not guaranteed to completely remove them.

- Stretch marks cream e.g. cocoa butter cream, Tretinoin (Retin-A), creams with collagen, elastin, emu oil, liposomes..etc helps to penetrate the skin's layers and work on damaged skin. The challenge of course is finding the right cream. Anyone can testify about one that worked wonders for you?

- Frankly, I think that unless you make a living as a supermodel, this is hardly a cause for concern. But then again, to each her own...

(Source: Stretch Marks, Ezine)
 

SAGGY BREASTS

Have you tried putting on your pre-pregnancy brassiere after birth and go "Funny.. they didn't look like that last time.."?

"How your breasts change during a pregnancy is related to genetics, skin elasticity and amount of weight gain. Avoidance of smoking and excessive sun exposure can help the skin to retain its elasticity.

Breastfeeding often gets blamed for the sagging of breasts. Actually, it is pregnancy and not nursing that affects the shape and size of your breasts. Breastfeeding and gradual weaning make it more likely that fat will be redeposited in your breasts, helping them to regain more of their pre-pregnancy appearance (Minchin, 1989). Pregnancy & Parenting

Usually by about six months after weaning, your breasts will have returned to more of their pre-pregnancy look. They also will feel more dense, as fatty tissue begins to fill them out again."

-- I have to disagree with the last two sentences. I breastfed, it was more than 6 months after I weaned off my first baby and my breasts still have not returned to their pre-pregnancy look --- I doubt if they ever will again.

Prevention

- Some say that wearing a properly fitted maternity bra will help as our body changes throughout the pregnancy.

- Prescription breast cream might help.

- Strengthening chest muscles so they can support enlarged breasts.

Treatment

-Chest exercises e.g. light weight lifting

-Herb supplement  to help firm the breasts e.g. shatavari, P. mirifica, Ashoka, Lodra and amalaki 

-Breast firming products e.g. pills, capsules, extracts, liquids are used for internal medication whereas creams, oils, gels, lotions and some specially made sprays help in firming the breasts.

- Massaging breasts with medicated herbal oil (Source: Ezine)

- There is however, a school of thought/study that says NOT wearing bras helps to decrease breasts sagging. Bras and Sagging.

- Of course, there's always plastic surgery e.g. breast augmentation.

Of the above, I've only tried exercises which helps a little although I guess it won't return the breasts to what they used to be. Therefore, meet my good friends, Wacoal and Xixili....

SPIDER AND VARICOSE VEINS

I saw a friend with dark spider veins all over her foot and varicose veins on her calves. So far, I've been spared from it although who knows if I were to carry on with more pregnancies. My own mother had a lot of varicose and spider veins. She recalled that sometimes it caused her excruciating pain.

Prevention

• Wear sunscreen to protect your skin from the sun and to limit spider veins on the face.
• Exercise regularly to improve your leg strength, circulation, and vein strength. Focus on exercises that work your legs, such as walking or running.
• Control your weight to avoid placing too much pressure on your legs.
• Don’t cross your legs for long times when sitting.
• Elevate your legs when resting as much as possible.
• Don’t stand or sit for long periods of time. If you must stand for a long time, shift your weight from one leg to the other every few minutes. If you must sit for long periods of time, stand up and move around or take a short walk every 30 minutes.
• Wear elastic support stockings and avoid tight clothing that constricts your waist, groin, or legs.
• Avoid wearing high heels for long periods of time. Lower-heeled shoes can help tone your calf muscles to help blood move through your veins.
• Eat a low-salt diet rich in high-fiber foods. Eating fiber reduces the chances of constipation, which can contribute to varicose veins. 

Treatment

- Compression stockings

- Sclerotherapy

- Surface Laser Treatments

- Endovenous Techniques (Radiofrequency and Laser)

- Surgery

- PIN stripping

- Ambulatory phlebectomy (Source: Varicose and Spider Veins, FAQ)

Okay, do you have any of the above 'battle scars'? Or others perhaps? If not, please tell us how you prevented it, or if you do, how you treated it e.g. what creams, herbal supplements, lotions..etc that actually helped you....

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky

Hard Habit to Break

When I was little, I had a few bad habits which drove my parents up the wall. Some, they managed to curb. One habit, however, still remained till today. 

The habit which they managed to stop was thumb-sucking. Yes, I was a thumb-sucker for goodness-knows-how-long. I sucked my thumb to sleep and whenever I was not doing anything -- which was most of the time at a young age of 3 - 5, maybe? I don't remember.. I sucked till my thumb was misshapen, pale and wrinkly like a prune.  I guess it got so bad that they had to 'force' me to stop by rubbing foul-smelling ointment on my thumb.

The other habit which I retained till today is 'cracking' my ankles, just like how you crack your knuckles. I could crack both ankles like castanets. One after the other. My mum used to scold  me and cane my legs to make me stop. She said it's not good for my ankle joints and I'll suffer when I'm old one day. Didn't work though...still cracking although I'm minimizing the damage by focusing more on my right ankle now.

Fast forward to today, I'm now a mummy with a little girl of my own who...... bites and chews her nails!!!! And it drives ME up the wall!! (Retribution?)

Does your child have a bad habit? How do you stop that bad habit?

There's a whole list of annoying/bad habits kids may somehow pick up:

1) Nose picking

2) Head banging/rolling

3) Body rocking

4) Teeth grinding @ bruxism

5) Hair twirling/pulling

6) Facial tics e.g. blinking eyes

7) Masturbation

8) Breath holding

9) Others

How can I break my child's bad habit? 

• First try ignoring it as the child may outgrow it him/herself.
• Praise your child for good behavior. 
• It may be nearly impossible to stop the bad habit until the child becomes interested in stopping. 
• Start by focusing on one or two bothersome/harmful habits instead of too many at one time.
• Try to figure out what may be making your child stressed.
• Let your child make decisions whenever possible, by giving them acceptable choices.   
• Redirect your child and help them find a better place, or better way to do what they are trying to do e.g. use tissue instead of picking nose, or do it in the bathroom and wash hands afterward.
• Use natural or logical consequences for problem behavior. The purpose here is to get kids to make the right decision, not to bend them to your will. Be patient—it may take time for you to see results.
• Be firm and kind.

Some habits are only annoying but harmless e.g. hair twirling. But some may be a symptom of a developmental condition (e.g. one of the signs of autism includes rocking of body back and forth) or psychological issues e.g. insecure, fearful of something, stress..etc. Others may cause problems instead e.g. teeth grinding may cause dental problems or disorder of jaw joint.

So mamas, please share if you have experienced this before with your child and how did you manage to get him/her to stop that habit. For me, I tried positive reinforcement i.e. praising her when she doesn't bite her nails. So far, that seems to work although it is still too soon to tell if it has permanently stopped.

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky

I Do.....

By now, you may have noticed that I am alternating between child-related topics and marriage topics simply because as BB commented under 'Five Love Languages',  "the more loving you are as a couple...the better it'll be for ur kids as well".

Therefore I thought, what better way to be 'more loving' as a couple than to be reminded of our wedding vows - that first day when we became husband and wife? So I managed to obtain 3 versions from a local church pastor. These are the wedding vows commonly used for Christian marriages. However, I welcome women of different religions to share the wedding vows which you used.

1st version:

I, (Name), take you, (Name) to be my wife/husband,

To have and to hold,

From this day forward,

For better, For worse,

For richer, For poorer,

In sickness and in health,

To love and to cherish,

Until we are parted by death,

This is my solemn vow.

2nd version:

I take you, (Name) to be my wife/husband,

and I promise before God and all who are present here,

To be your loving and faithful wife/husband,

As long as we both shall live,

I will serve you with tenderness and respect,

And encourage you to develop God's gifts in you.

3rd version:

(Name), in the name of God,

I take you to be my wife/husband from this time onward,

To join with you and share all that is to come,

To give and to receive,

To speak and to listen,

To inspire and to respond,

And in all our lives together,

To be loyal to you with my whole being,

As long as we both shall live.

(Source: The United Methodist Book of Worship, 1992)

If you have made the above vows before and have forgotten them (like I have), why not take some time today after the kids have slept to renew that vow to each other?

"To have and to hold, From this day forward ......"

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky

Apologies !!!!!!

Dear all, 

Blogspot seems to be experiencing some technical problems with the comments gadget. You might have noticed that for the posts "Five Love Languages" and "Weaning and Bottle Feeding", some of the comments seem to have disappeared. I have reported the matter already and I hope it gets rectified soon.

Do continue with our discussion and hopefully, things will go back to normal VERY, VERY soon.

Thank you.

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky

Honey, Honey!

"When should we feed babies/toddlers honey?"

That question was brought up during a dinner with my girlfriends and we were a bit divided about it. One said, "2 years old!" One said "No, 1 year old" Another one remarked, "My friend fed her child honey since infancy."

  So, I checked the labels on some honey jars:

So why not for infants under the age of 12 months?

Because of the risk of infant botulism. 

Infant botulism is a type of food poisoning that can result in death caused by the growth of a poisonous bacteria known as clostridium botulinum in the gastrointestinal tract of babies. Botulinum spores can be found:

1) Widely throughout nature
2) Maple syrup
3) Corn syrup (commonly found in commercial infant formula!)
4) Dust

As it is so widespread, human beings have adapted to it and able to fend off small amounts of toxin.

However, infants do not have a matured digestive system and are susceptible to botulism poisoning. Parents are recommended to avoid it unless it is pasteurized (which makes it rare), as well as foods which may contain honey.

Symptoms of infant botulism:
1) Constipation
2) Muscle weakness - sign of nervous system damage
3) Infant cries weakly
4) Infant has difficulty feeding
5) Infant will have limp and floppy appearance
6) Infant will also look lethargic
More: What is Botulism?
          How to protect my baby from Infant Botulism?
          Honey and Infant Botulism- Fact Sheet on From Health Canada

However, one article I came across says otherwise:
Why Honey is a Healthy Food for Infants

Apparently, this article says that it is only heated honey which is dangerous. The high heat (over 96 degrees Fahrenheit) kills the live enzymes which is supposed to kill bacterial cells in the honey. The writer (Judie C. Snelson) then writes about the irony that parents allow babies to be vaccinated although vaccines contain known "carcinogenic substances, heavy metals, and have dangerous, predictable side effects". On top of that, cases of injury/death caused by vaccinations dwarfs cases of infant botulism caused by honey.

The benefits of honey are numerous:

1) Natural Sweetener

2) Energy Source

3) Aids weight loss

4) Improving athletic performance

5) Source of vitamins and minerals

6) Antibiotic and antifungal properties

7) Natural antiseptic

8) Aids skin care

More: Health Benefits of Honey

          Amazing Benefits of Honey

What do you think? Are there any honey brands you know of that is so safe even for infants? (Maybe some new direct-selling product?) 

Personally, I prefer to just err on the side of caution and feed my child -when necessary- after the recommended age 1......or 2, to be even safer...

Weaning and Bottle-feeding

For mamas whose toddlers are already bottle-fed - You're lucky!

For mamas whose toddlers are so attached to the breast that they refuse the bottle - We're in the same boat. Read on.

For mamas whose toddlers 'naturally' reject the breast and willingly take the bottle - You're super, super lucky!

For mamas who don't mind breastfeeding toddlers till whatever age beyond 2 years old - WOW!!

For ME........

At 11 months ++, my 2nd girl now has 4 teeth. So imagine the rude awakenings I get nearly everynight when these 4 teeth suddenly clamp on my teats as she wakes up looking for me. Therefore, I decided it's high time we come to the end of the road for breastfeeding. Besides, she's already eating semi-solids and soft solids very well. On top of that, we will be traveling soon and it will be most inconvenient to have to feed her on the road as she DOESN'T take the bottle..sigh.

First Experience

I weaned off my 1st girl when she was also 11 months ++. It took one week and a lot of crying as she protested everytime I with held my nipples from her. That was few times during the day AND night --- for one whole week. I was exhausted and slightly traumatized by that experience although it was successful in the end. 

Second Experience

For this one, I kept a brief log on how I did it: 

Day One

6.05am - Awake since 4 or 5am. Not giving her my teat anymore. Everytime she cried I carried her to comfort her until she fell asleep. Finally, fell asleep propped up on my shoulder.

3.23pm - Left her with my mum. Decided it was best not to be in close proximity with her as she kept tugging my shirt and signing 'milk'. When I gave her the bottle, she pushed or slapped it away. Otherwise, feeding her semi solid meals as usual.

Day Two

7.35am - She slept and cried periodically last night. Each time, trying to pull my shirt to suck. I was so dead tired. I told her "Sorry baby, no milk." This morning, my breasts were engorged. Expressed. Gave her the milk in the bottle. At first, pushed away. After a few more tries, she took it and finished it!

11.03am - She slept again and for nearly the whole morning! When she woke up again, I gave her the bottle. She pushed and hit it away. But after awhile, she took the bottle and finished the content! Yeah!

12.57pm - Fed her some porridge. Bathed her then tried the bottle again. This time she drank half a bottle. 

10.02pm - I gave her two scoops of SNOW infant formula mixed with 4 ounces of water. I was worried she might reject the new taste. But surprisingly, she took it and finished nearly all of it! She rolled about and fell asleep in a short while.

Day Three

8.37am - I think I can call it a success officially. While she did cry -more like whimpered - throughout the night, she didn't ask for milk and went back to sleep. This morning I gave her expressed breastmilk in an 8 ounce bottle. She finished 6 ounces in one go!

11.50am - We went out. I put her in the stroller and mixed infant formula for her. She happily took it and finished 7 ounces. It is official. Weaning -- check! Bottlefeeding -- check!

Further proof...

Every child is different. Though both my daughters were fully breastfed (in fact, my first girl was also bottlefed when I was still working 8 - 5 during her first 6 months) and the same weaning  method was used, the process as well as outcome was  so different for both. I must add, my first girl still DID NOT want the bottle for a couple of months after she was weaned off and that was a major inconvenience when traveling.

Please share your weaning experience. How did you do it and how long did it take? Some mothers said they rubbed ginger, 'minyak kapak' (strong-smelling Chinese ointment) or other unpleasant stuff onto the nipples to turn off the toddler. What about you?

Five Love Languages

My hubby and I speak different languages - love languages, that is......To illustrate what I mean:

On special occasions, I absolutely loooove it if he were to write me a card detailing how much he loves me and appreciates all that I do, followed by a quiet dinner (without kids) when we would just catch up with each other. My favourite couple time activity recently was when we drove around town late at night (without kids), just....talking. (and I mean talk talk)

(My love language: Words of Affirmation & Quality Time)

On the other hand, for him, it just melts his heart when I take the trouble to cook his favourite Foochow dish -- mee sua in chicken soup for any occasion...card or no card.

(His love language: Acts of Service)

This book by Gary Chapman postulates that all of us have a primary love language and when love is expressed to us in our language, it keeps our 'emotional love tanks' full. I want to share this with all of you hoping that it'll help us to understand ourselves and our spouses better. I think most of the time, husband and wife conflicts occur because we are not expressing love to the other person in a way that is MOST meaningful to him/her e.g. "Why is he wasting money on flowers for me instead of fixing the broken tap like I asked him to?"

Here are the Five Love Languages:

#1 Words of Affirmation

Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love. This is one way to affirm your spouse. Speak encouraging words, kind words, humble words e.g. make requests not demands. Affirm your spouse in front of others when he/she is present. Write words of affirmation as written words have the benefit of being read over and over again. 

If your spouse's love language is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION:

a) Write a love letter

b) Set a goal to compliment your spouse everyday for one month.

#2 Quality Time

Time together is not just about close proximity but about togetherness with focused attention on your spouse. One of the most common dialects of this language is quality conversation i.e. two individuals sharing their thoughts, experiences, feelings and desires in a friendly,uninterrupted context. Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, quality conversation focuses on what we're hearing. Tips on how to listen:

1) Maintain eye contact

2) Don't listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time

3) Listen for feelings

4) Observe body language

5) Refuse to interrupt

If your spouse's love language is QUALITY TIME:

a) Take a walk together..

b) Make a lunch appointment with your spouse

c) Ask your spouse for a list of 5 activities that he/she would enjoy doing with you.

d) Think of an activity which your spouse enjoys, but which brings little pleasure to you.

#3 Receiving Gifts 

A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he was thinking of me." You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn't matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him.

If your spouse's love language is RECEIVING GIFTS:

a) Try a parade of gifts: Leave a box of candy, flowers delivered in the afternoon, a shirt in the evening..etc

b) Make a gift for your spouse

c) Give your spouse a gift everyday for one week.

#4 Acts of Service

In most societies, those who are great lord it over those who are small, but Jesus Christ said that those who are great would serve others -- including spouses even though that may require some of us to reexamine our stereotypes of the roles of husband and wife e.g. husband helping wife to change baby's diapers/mop the floor/hang the laundry..etc

If your spouse's love language is ACTS OF SERVICE:

a) Make a list of all the requests your spouse has made of you over the past few weeks. Select one of these each week and do it as an expression of love.

b) Give your spouse a love note accompanied by the act of service every three days for a month.

c) Get the children to help you with some act of service for him or her.

#5 Physical Touch

Holding hands, kissing, embracing and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one's spouse. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.

If your spouse's love language is PHYSICAL TOUCH:

a) As you walk from the car to the shopping mall, reach out and hold your spouse's hand.

b) When your spouse arrives at home, meet him or her one step earlier than usual and give your mate a big hug.

c) Initiate sex by giving your spouse a foot massage.

What is your love language? What is your spouse's love language? Try ranking the five love languages and comparing it with your spouse's ranking.

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky