Birds and Bees

When I was 8 years old (maybe?), I asked my mum what people meant when they say 'birds and bees'.

She said matter of factly, "Oh it just means 'sex' or 'make love' to breed young ones."

I asked "What's 'make love'?"

"Well, the male puts its private part into the female's and then they conceive.."

I was horrified. Grossed. Yuck! Then, "Do people do that?"

"Oh yeah! Where do you think you came from?" she said. At which point, my heart practically sank. My parents...............made love?
"But what about the clothes?"
"We take them off, otherwise how to do it?.." The graphic mental picture that I had then repulsed me. My parents did such 'dirty things'?

" I thought people just get married and automatically, the woman gets pregnant!"

"Oh no no, see your papa had to..." she proceeded to explain.

"STOP! STOP! I don't want to hear, don't tell me!!" I ran out....

My first "sex talk"...sort of.

When do you start telling your children about the 'birds and bees'? More importantly, how?

Personally, I think we can start when our children are aware of body parts and the difference between a boy's and a girl's 'pee-pee'. Just the other day, my 4 year old asked me, "Mummy, how come men have a long thing in front of them?"

"WHAT!? How do you know? Who SHOWED you?" (no secret why I'm so paranoid)

"I just know..." she shrugged.

"Oh," I calmed down."We're just different, that's all. Boys' private part is called 'penis'. "

She giggled.. "Penis! What a funny name!"

How can we talk to kids about sex?

1) Simply. Start in the bathtub, naming body parts to your child using correct, clinical terms instead of silly, baby words.

2) Form the right attitude e.g. point out certain sexual behaviours they might see on tv or elsewhere are not appropriate for unmarried couples.

3) Read up on the subject of sex to fill in any gap in our own knowledge.

4) If our kids ask something we don't know, find out and get back to them.

5) Children start noticing differences between mothers and fathers by age four whether you tell them or not.

6) (My opinion) Use books as a guide, there are plenty of child friendly, pictorial books to make the process easier........for parents.

7) For adolescents: Talk to them about the sanctity of marriage and keeping oneself pure for it.

(Summarized and paraphrased from "The Focus on the Family Guide to Growing a Healthy Home", Part 4, pg. 165. By Connie Marshner)

Well, mamas, what's your take on this?

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky

Surprise Addition

Today's post is dedicated to mamas with a surprise addition to the family. Like Ss, there are quite a few mothers with 2 or 3 (or more?) growing children who suddenly find themselves expecting another tiny bundle of joy. Of course, a new life is always a cause for celebration. The older siblings will welcome another brother/sister, grandparents get to spoil pamper another grandchild and depending on the age of the parents, there will be a younger child to keep them company when the older ones have left the nest in the future.

Challenges:

For today's mamas however, who have to balance work with family & home, the new arrival can also pose a challenge - emotionally, mentally & physically. It's one thing when you plan for it and anticipate a new family member. It's another thing when you miss your monthly cycle due to a miscalculation of dates and the red/blue line on the pregnancy test kit confirms your 'worst fears'! Some mothers find themselves feeling the blues as just when things are about to 'settle down', they are now going to start all over again; backaches, childbirth, sleepless nights, pacifying crying baby, diaper changing, toilet training..etc. Again, depending on what age the mother is, the 3rd or 4th pregnancy may be very exhausting as they also have to work, cook, do chores, take care of the older children--- hormonal changes may not really help either as Ss shared i.e. feeling sleepy and tired all the time. 

Depending on one's background and job, a new baby also poses great financial challenge. It's not just the hospital bills (if you go to private hospital) and the new baby items (if you've already given away most of them), it's also the savings one has to set aside for the child's education fund, medical insurance, vaccinations, preschool fees, tuition fees, music class fees, stationeries, toys, clothes (some can be passed down from the older siblings but won't you sympathize with your youngest one when everything he/she owns is either taped, tattered, dog-eared or patched together with old stains and smudges here and there?)...tertiary fees..etc. I think gone are the days when people used to give birth like rabbits and then left the children to fend for themselves.

For career mothers who halted or postponed their career plans and aspirations for children's sake, this may also be a cause for bringing on the blues. Suddenly, you find you may have to extend the postponement of your plans (again!). This is a great struggle for many when we feel that we can do or contribute so much more yet we are tied up with baby and childcare for a few more years (Not all would opt for a babysitter or send baby away to be cared for by a relative in another town).

Not to mention time distribution. With more children, time becomes even more valuable as mama has to divide time (hopefully equally) for her multiple children, each clamoring for her attention and help. I have only two, but when my baby was born and I spent a lot of time breastfeeding her, the older one felt left out as she wanted me to play with her like before when she was the only child. So, imagine having to cope with even more...

Of course, this is a phase and undoubtedly, older mums would probably advise "Oh, it's ok, you can handle it! I had 7 children and grandmother had 14 children, so 4 is nothing compared to what we went through!" (Familiar?)

So, I invite all mamas who have experienced or are experiencing this phase now to share. It doesn't make one a bad mother if one feels blue due to this surprise conception. We just need people to help us, encourage us and support us to get through it. If all else fails, hopefully, a dose of humour would cheer us up! Here's a link to Australian mama blogger, Karen Cheng's humorous take on having 3 children of her own (it was emailed to her by someone) :
Sometimes You Need To Laugh - The Evolution of Parenthood.

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky

The Love Dare

"Unconditional love is eagerly promised at weddings, but rarely practiced in real life. As a result, romantic hopes are often replaced with disappointment in the home. But it doesn't have to stay that way..."

The Love Dare (by Stephen & Alex Kendrick)

When we got married, we used the verses below for our wedding bulletin:

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  ⁸Love never fails....... 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

5 years, two children, a home mortgage, piles of dirty laundry, job datelines, unending chores and cooking, miles of chauffering to and from schools, unmet expectations..etc later,I  think it's so tough to maintain that high standard of 'unconditional love' for your spouse, isn't it? (if you manage to fulfil ALL of the above, please share your secret with us!)

So recently, when a soon-to-be mama of 4 (!!!) shared this book with me, I thought it's a great idea to start focusing on US, as in husband and wife, for a change. It's not healthy to neglect both our relationship even as we devote our time and energy to our children. 

More: The Love Dare 

          The Love Dare - Family Christian Store

          Sample pages of Love Dare

          A Peek at my Bookshelf

          YouTube movie-Fireproof Part 1 (with subtitles)
          YouTube movie - Fireproof 2008 part 1 of 12 (runs faster)

Basically, the book is a 40 day journey of love challenges; there are 3 elements in each topic. 

First, a unique aspect of love will be discussed.

Second, a specific dare for you and your spouse will be given. 

Third, write in the journal space provided what you've learned.

Let me give you a preview of some of the dares (see if you can try it out with your hubby.):

1) Resolve to say nothing negative to your spouse at all..

2) Do one unexpected gesture of kindness to your spouse

3) Buy your spouse something that says "I'm thinking of you today."

4) Ask your spouse what are the 3 things that irritate him about you..without attacking him..

5) Write out two lists of positive and negative things about your spouse...

6) Burn the negative list -- be your spouse's greatest fan.

7) Demonstrate love by willingly giving in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse....

Hmm... is it any wonder why it's called the Love Dare?

It even has 20 Questions for your Spouse in the Appendix II-- questions to ask your spouse when on a date/or having a private conversation. When I looked at it, I had to laugh cos those are questions we would ask each other when we were courting. But now, we actually need to be reminded to "learn more about the heart of your spouse".. It's so necessary to keep the practice going! Some of the 20 questions:

 

1) What is your greatest hope/dream?

2) What would be your dream job..?

3) Who would you give a million dollars to?

4) If you could have lunch with anyone in the world, who would it be and why?

5) Who do you feel most 'safe' with and why?

I don't usually tell people, "Here, you MUST buy this book!" but I believe couples should  invest in a healthy, loving marriage be it through date nights/retreats/marriage course....etc. This is something we can do on a daily basis for 40 days and it costs RM45, so that's like only RM1.13 a day - dirt cheap for a lifetime of happiness! Why not? Besides, a happy husband and wife make better parents, yes?

Pros:

Plenty! It definitely has helped me to understand my hubby better and to focus on appreciating him rather than complain. Also, it's something for both of us to look forward to--something away from kids, work, the daily grind.. and just talk about us.

Cons:

The cons has nothing to do with the content of the book and everything to do with our attitude/approach to the dares. We have to be careful not to rush through e.g. "Ok, today we write two lists.. ok, done! Next!" Another trap we might fall into would be to be 'calculative' about the 'gestures of kindness' we do to each other e.g. "Hey! I've done this and that for you... how come you haven't done anything for me???!!" If we do, it kinda defeats the whole purpose, doesn't it? Also, it takes discipline.... due to busy-ness, it's been more than 40 days and we're still stuck at Love Dare 7... (head bowed in shame)--ok, that's not a con, more like our weakness..might have to start over again! :)

So, mamas, think about it! Make an investment in your marriage. Check your nearest bookstore for it!

(P/S If you know of any other similar marriage books that has helped you, do share with us too! I'm sure there are plenty more in the market.)


Carpe Diem, ladies!
Becky

Preschool Checklist

Before my girl started preschool, I already had a checklist for the kind of play/preschool/kindy I want for her. As I have been on both sides of the fence (as a teacher/center coordinator/parent), I thought I'd share this checklist with you all. Of course, it's not exhaustive as it again boils down to parents' preference for their kids. That's why when people ask me "Is this or that school good?", I want to ask them "What do you mean by 'good'?" Simply because what I think is 'good' may not be their idea of 'good' and vice versa.


Here's my checklist. For mothers who have preschool children, feel free to add more if necessary, ya?

1) Safety

- Does the school keep the doors and gates locked after arrival time?

- Does the school administrators/teachers ask for details of persons dropping off/picking up the child?

- Do they call you in the event that an unrecognized person comes to pick up the child? 

- Do they have fire escape/exits and conduct regular fire drills? 

- Do they have men in the school? Parents should inform school management if they're not     

comfortable with a male teacher/assistant having close contact with children.

- In case parents are late in picking up the child, will a trusted staff/teacher stay with the child (terms and conditions may apply)?

2) Hygiene and Health

- Do the school staff spring clean the classes regularly?

- Do they take children's temperature before entering the school/classes?

- Do they discourage sick children from attending school?

- Does the overall physical setting look clean, neat and tidy?

- Is the grass trimmed/mowed regularly to prevent pests nesting there?

- Do they fumigate the school regularly?

- How do the teachers guide the children to wash their hands?

- Do they practice the 7 steps of hand washing before and after meals, after toileting and after play?

 - Are the toilets clean and regularly washed?

3) Teachers

- Are the teachers trained? Do they have certificate/diploma/degree in Early Childhood Education or related courses e.g. Montessori or certificate/diploma from Persatuan Tadika Malaysia (PTM)?

- Who is the teacher who will have direct and regular contact with my child on a daily basis?

- Does the teacher speak fluently in English/Malay/Mandarin? (this will directly influence your child's language development i.e. whether he/she will speak well or come back with 'rojak' language)

- Does the teacher have good character e.g kind, responsible, shows initiative, caring..etc? (Admittedly, this is hard to tell with first impression although talking to the teacher herself will give you a general idea. A good indication is your child's account of daily on goings in school: "Teacher said this/that or did this/that"... I once knew a teacher who would pinch children's food!)

4) Location

- Distance from home is a BIG consideration unless one doesn't mind driving a lot and going through heavy traffic during peak hours or waking your child up REALLY EARLY to go to school.

5) Programme

- Do they integrate play into their daily programme?

- What programme do they use? Montessori? Thematic? Or some overseas franchise? Is it a religious/faith-based school?

- How do they balance it out with academic skills e.g. reading, writing, counting...etc?

(It's important to get a clear picture of what they're doing because sometimes the school's owner or marketing person may sell you one thing but do something else altogether. One school told me "Oh, we do a lot of hands-on, manipulative activities and learning through play. Very fun!" But we found out afterward that it was a lot of writing, writing, more writing and less hands-on activities for the kids.)

- Do they allow children to have outdoor play? How often? Any water or sand play?

- Are the activities DAP (Developmentally Appropriate)? (Some parents like the idea of giving 6 year old kids Primary 2 paper work but not me...)

- If the programmes are more inclined to academic skills, how strict are they? e.g. Would they make a child write repeatedly until it's near 'perfect' or do they allow time for individual growth?

- Do they conduct exams/tests/assessments? (If a school were to follow ECE philosophies strictly, no such thing should be conducted at all. But in reality that is not always the case as most parents prefer it as an indication of their child's 'learning'. Again, depending on various school's stand on this matter; education vs. business. If however, it is inevitable, it is up to the parents whether they pressure the child or not; whether the concern is the process vs. end product of learning. Alternatively, parents can make it a fun activity without stressing on results/mistakes as well as consider individual child's capability)

- Do they organize field trips/excursions? 

- What functions does the school organize as part of their learning programme? e.g. Mother's Day event where children get a chance to perform and speak publicly.

6) Parent-Teacher Communication (PTC)

- Do they organize Parent Teacher Meeting at least twice a year?

- Do the teachers practice open communication with the parents i.e. meet up with parents at a requested time to discuss child's progress? (I always emphasize on regular parent-teacher communication so parents know what is happening in school, can get to know their child's teacher well and express their expectations to the teachers regarding the child. This is so that teachers know what parents require for their child and will adjust their activities accordingly e.g. I always tell my child's teachers I don't want them to pressure her when it comes to spelling/dictation. It's more important to me that she does her best. Getting perfect handwriting or 100% in spelling is not my primary concern now)

- Do they have a PTC book so parents and teachers can communicate regularly even though they can't meet? Alternatively, teacher/school send letters home weekly/biweekly to update parents on child's progress? (varies from school to school)

- Does the school practice parental involvement in school activities?

7) Physical Setting/Arrangement

- Is it spacious/congested?

- Is it a warm and conducive environment for learning or does it feel stifling?

- Do they have a lot of age-appropriate toys that are displayed in clear corners? e.g. dress up corner, block play, puzzle corner, play dough table, art corner...etc

- Is it bright and inviting vs. dim and gloomy?

- Is the furniture and toilet child appropriate/child-sized?

- Are the children's shoe shelves, chairs clearly labeled to teach them ownership and responsibility over their items as well as respect for others'?

- Are the outdoor equipment safe, sturdy and durable?

- Do they place non-slip mats in slippery areas e.g toilets, outdoor play area..etc

8) Fees

- Half day session can range anywhere from RM100 - RM300++ depending on the kind of school and their sessio. Also, depending on urban areas/rural areas/states. In Klang Valley, I'm sure the amount is RM300 minimum for half day session. (Anyone in Klang Valley with preschool kids??)
- In Singapore, my brother-in-law with a preschool age daughter told me the standard fee is S$500++ for a basic full day session minus enrichment activities. There's a different fee for those with PR status and citizens. As he holds only PR status, he is paying S$800+ . (Any mamas in Singapore who can share more about this?)

- Full day would of course be double that amount plus extra charges for lunch, bath, enrichment activities, if any.

- Some preschool require a big deposit or one-off payment but monthly fees are reasonable e.g. In Kuching, Lodge School's required deposit is RM6500 with monthly fee averaging RM210.

- Religious kindergartens/preschools are usually more economically priced e.g. RM100 monthly

- Nowadays, preschool education can cost more than our tertiary education as early as 10 years ago.

9) Teacher-Student Ratio

- Ideally, it should be something like below:

Toddlers (15 to 30 months)
•Maximum of 10 children
•One degreed teacher for every five toddlers 

Ages 2 ½ to 3 ½
•Maximum of 16 children
•One degreed teacher for every eight children 

Ages 3 ½ to 6
•Maximum of 20 children
•One degreed teacher for every 10 children

- However, unless the preschool is very exclusive (read: expensive!) it's difficult, if not impossible to find the above ratio. Simply because in Malaysia, No. 1 There aren't enough trained, let alone ECE degreed teachers.  No. 2 Most preschools are very commercial/business-oriented, so they want to cram in as many children as possible into one class.

10) Special Consideration

- Can the school make allowances for special cases e.g. child with food allergy by excluding such food in his school snacks. Or perhaps a child with certain medical condition e.g. asthma

(Some schools may not want to accept children with medical conditions to save them the 'trouble')

- Does the school welcome/integrate children with special needs/learning disability? (This is usually a bit more challenging because we severely lack trained teachers for special needs children. However, when I was teaching in Klang Valley, an autistic girl was included in our class so she could have social contact with other children as opposed to one-to-one learning therapy at home. There are also horror stories that I heard of e.g. school staff locking a Down Syndrome child in a cage/room to isolate her from other children--but they accept her into the school for the money. Despicable but it happened!)

11) Food

- Does the school hire a cook to prepare morning snack, lunch and evening tea?

- Do they have a weekly menu of the food?

- Do they encourage children to bring their own food instead? (as long as it is halal, no pork leg rice, for sure..)

- If they prepare the food, are the ingredients fresh or do they involve processed foods as well? e.g. nuggets, french fries, fish/meat balls..etc

- Do they put MSG in the food?

- Does the cook observe hygiene by wearing a head cover/apron/gloves?

12) Racial Diversity

- Do they have children of other races or is it predominantly one particular race only?

(We like a class with various races so our child will have the opportunity to learn different cultures, festivals and accept that people are beautifully different. Again, this depends very much on the location the school is in.)

13) Television

- Do they keep a television set in school?

- Do they let children watch tv and how often?

(Some schools let children watch tv/dvd as part of some themes' activities e.g. watch foetus in womb, which is fine if it's not done often. However, with a tv in school, it can be a convenient 'escape' for teachers/assistants to just switch on a cartoon for children instead of conducting interactive activities.)


Ok, that's all I can think of for now. Again, mamas, add on if you feel there are areas I may have missed out ya? 

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky

Mrs No vs. Mr. Yes

Dear Mamas, I know I said I'll put up 4 posts on sleep training by 4 experts. But is it ok if we take a break from sleep training for awhile? I will put it up soon, last one will be Babywise method by Gary Ezzo. However, if you don't mind, I'd like to discuss something totally different.

Do you ever have differences/disagreements with your spouse when it comes to the children? Maybe you say "No chocolates" but your spouse says "It's ok. Just a small piece."

Or maybe you say, "Don't buy anymore toys. Too many already!" but your spouse goes, "Mm..he doesn't have this remote control car yet..."

Sort of like the issue of Parents vs. Grandparents.... only that it's with your spouse?

After awhile, are your children running to Mr. Yes to get the things they know Mrs. No will surely deny them? Perhaps he's Mr. No and you're Mrs Yes?

In any case, how do you think parents should resolve this matter amicably? (As in, without taking each other's eye out or resort to a week-long Cold War.)

How do couples define what's trivial and what's not? For one parent, maybe eating 'keropok' is not a big issue but to the other parent, it's sacrilege allowing your child to ingest poison like that! (Anyway, this is not limited to food only)

I think this sort of issue falls on a lot of gray areas as it's hard to define  what is acceptable/not. What's food to one man could be poison to another. And this has a lot of other factors to consider e.g. family and upbringing, education, personality differences...etc.

At the same time, if this 'conflict' is left brewing, it may take on an unhealthy development because:

a) Children may not respect the wishes of one parent if the other parent doesn't set the example

b) Repeated arguments or cold wars over 'trivial' issues can cause confusion in children

c) Children may pick up unhealthy habits e.g. telling on one parent to the other parent "Ma! Papa gave me candy!!!" (Ma turning purple in the kitchen..)

d) It's just not good for building healthy husband-wife relationship

e) Children may take advantage of parents' disagreements

Usually, women are more picky and petty about 'small' matters. (I wonder if there are any men like that?) Dear ladies, please share how you solve this predicament.  Sometimes, the phrase "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" rings so much louder and truer at this point..

Sleep Training III - Ferberization

Method: Ferberization/Cry it Out/"Graduated Extinction"

Expert:

- Dr. Richard Ferber

- the Director of The Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders

- Author of Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems, published in 1985, updated in 2006

More: The Ferber Method Demystified

(The above site provides the facts and myths of the method including a brief explanation about what's updated in the 2006 edition of his book.. Apparently, he's 'warmer and more relaxed' as well as more open to different approaches)

How to: 

 For babies at least 6 months old:

1) Take steps to prepare the baby to sleep. This includes night-time rituals and day-time activities.

2) At bedtime, leave the child in bed and leave the room.

3) Return at progressively increasing intervals to comfort the baby (without picking him up). For example, on the first night, some scenarios call for returning first after three minutes, then after five minutes, and thereafter each ten minutes, until the baby is asleep.

4) Each subsequent night, return at intervals longer than the night before. For example, the second night may call for returning first after five minutes, then after ten minutes, and thereafter each twelve minutes, until the baby is asleep.

5) If baby vomits or defecates, clean him/her up in a matter-of-fact manner, put him/her back and leave the room again so as not to deviate from the training.

Ferber made some modifications in the 2006 edition of his book Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems. He is now more open to co-sleeping and feels different approaches work for different families/children.  

More: Ferber Method, Wikipedia

Ferber Method for Baby Sleep 

Pros-Cons/Testimonials

 Pros:

1) Kids who complete training are less likely to throw bedtime tantrums

2) Kids who complete training are more likely to settle down at night within ten minutes

3) Kids who complete training are less likely to awaken their parents during the night

4) Parents who complete training report improvements in their own stress levels, mood, and interactions with their children

Cons:

1) Insufficient studies to measure the long term effects on children's:

• physiological stress response

• attachment relationship with parents

• emotional development

• personality development, or

• expression of physical affection

2) Not appropriate for children with a conditioned fear of being left alone as well as children with conditioned vomiting response

3) The method is not designed to treat most sleep problems that cause night wakings e.g.nighttime fears and separation anxiety , daytime stress,  nightmares , snoring and other forms of sleep-disordered breathing , nocturnal headaches and other painful medical conditions, circadian rhythm sleep disorders,  sleep walking and/or night-terrors ..etc

More: Ferber method and its alternatives 
           AskBaby.com
           Attachment Parenting vs. Ferber Method

Personal opinion: This method was already 'popularized' through tv shows like "Mad About You" and movies like "Meet the Fockers 2", to name a few.  A friend whose sister used this method told me that as the baby cried inside the room, the parents were crying outside! From what I read in the sites, it seems that his 1985 edition of his methods were more rigid and his updated version in 2006 is more relaxed as well as open to different approaches. Personally, I am not in favour of leaving my baby alone in a room to self-soothe or cry herself to sleep. As some of the sites suggest, there are alternatives to this method which are less distressing! The above site: 'Ferber method and its alternatives' gives a very comprehensive view of this method so check it out!

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky