Doc. Dilemma

There are some situations which can cause a lot of marital conflicts and personal dilemma. But none, I think, as distressing as when it concerns our children's health and medical well-being.

It could be an accident, high fever or a diarrhoea that's been running for days. More often than not, one spouse would be more anxious than the other in seeking medical attention.

Spouse #1: Oh no, something's not right with Tommy.

Spouse #2: He looks fine to me.

Spouse #1: I think we better bring him to a doctor.

Spouse #2: You're over reacting.

Spouse #1: Don't you care about our child? Must he be bed-ridden before you do something?

Spouse #2: It'll be a waste of money. The doctor will say he's fine and prescribe him medicine which you throw away anyway.

Spouse #1: You're heartless! What if it's something serious which could have been prevented?

Spouse #2: I still say you're over reacting..I don't give doctors free money.

Familiar?

This is further exacerbated by the fact that there doesn't seem to be a standard medical practice. One doctor prescribes one treatment which can be refuted by another doctor. The patients might have to seek a few opinions to confirm the first one at the expense of our pockets and children's welfare.

For instance, a friend's son had a prolonged stomach pain. They consulted a paediatrician who immediately admitted him (after asking if they had a medical card) and prescribed a cocktail of drugs for the little boy.  When his condition was not improving, they decided to consult a second paedtrician who told them the drugs were unnecessary. He prescribed only one type of medicine which the boy took and recovered speedily after that.

My Dilemma

In my case, when I sought a second opinion (Thud! My Baby Fell!) the paediatrician advised X-Ray on the fourth day after my baby's fall to ensure there was no fracture. I complied after I asked him if there will be any side effects from the rays to which he replied there was nothing to worry about.

My husband blew his top when he found out I allowed our child to be X-rayed.

"YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO LISTEN TO THE DOCTOR!!!" he said.

How was I supposed to know better? Google!!?

Anyway, easier said than done.

When you present your sick/injured child to a doctor and he/she paints you the worst case scenario e.g. she might develop bronchitis/the high fever could affect his brain/the fall could have caused internal injury...etc and they recommend a treatment (usually a very costly one) followed by "But it's your choice of course." .... How easy is it for any responsible parent to just say "Nah, I'll take a gamble.. maybe it's not so bad.."...???

Unnecessary X-Ray

Having said that, when I checked with another doctor and friends in medical related jobs, I was told that if a child shows no abnormal symptoms and since it was already 4 days, there should be no cause for concern. But even if there was a hairline fracture on the skull, nothing can be done about it. So, usually doctors let the fracture heal by themselves. Also, X-rays are usually recommended only when it's really, really necessary as X-rays can stunt children's growth and development albeit in large doses.   [See : Are X-Rays harmful to children?]

The words "annoyed, miffed, angry, betrayed" were not sufficient to even begin describing my inner turmoil then. It's one thing if I have to pay more for the recommended treatment/test (which I mind less), it's another thing if that treatment/test may have an adverse effect on my child. Surely, if the doctor had firmly said my child was alright without X-Ray, I would not have opted for it.

Choices, choices, choices....
One can choose of course to go to general hospital where it is more economical and doctors are not profit-oriented. The treatment may not be inferior to that of private hospitals'. Of course, the downside is that the queue may be super-long and more often than not, the patient will be sent from one counter to another to register, to wait, to pay...etc.

OR, consult doctor friends and experienced parents to get corroborating information on a medical condition and prescribed treatment before giving it the green light.

Conclusion and Appreciation
At the end of the day, we parents just want the best for our children and that includes healthcare. Usually, parents who can afford it don't mind paying for immediate and the best medical attention. But really, it's another story altogether when doctors cash in on patients' illnesses by prescribing unnecessary and costly scans or treatments which may also have adverse effects on the patients. 

Therefore, I raise my hat off to doctors who genuinely care for their patients' well-being, whether in private or public practice. It's not easy working long hours, being sleep-deprived, having to entertain difficult patients and remaining professional at all times. So, my appreciation goes out to you, good doctors..

Perhaps some good doctors or experienced parents can advise on the best course of action to take in the event of a medical situation involving kids?

Carpe Diem, ladies!
Becky

Man Talk - Ah Keong

Name: Ah Keong
Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Age: 33
Married for 3.5 years.

1) How do you strike a balance between work and your family life?

I think if you can't balance your family cheque book you have no right to balance your lifestyle. First, make enough money to give your wife an option to stay home to take care of your children if she wishes to. If you can do that, now we can talk about balancing lifestyle. I work 5 full days a week- meaning around 12-14 hours a day. But my Saturdays and Sundays are for my family. Whenever I can I bring my family overseas for 10 days holiday. Just did Europe and Australia this year with my in-laws, parents, wife and children. So I think the quality of time spent with your family is more important than quantity. If your wife keeps complaining about not enough money for the household, step up boys... Time to be a man, and take good care of the income.

2) An Anonymous under 'Five Love Languages' commented that women nag their husbands because of the "failure on man's part to listen CAREFULLY and ATTENTIVELY..no joke.." . What's your take on that since it's a common occurrence for women to 'nag' their husbands? (apparently, due to the common occurrence that men don't listen..)

Totally agree on the quote. Yes, wives nag because men don't listen. Totally true. I'm that kind of man that can't do 2 things simultaneously. So sometimes I can hear what she is mumbling but can't understand the meaning. That's where all the argument starts. So now I learnt my lesson, when your wife talks, stop and listen. Ask again if you don't understand. If you easily forget put it down in your smartphone or notebook. Can't afford a week of silence just because we men don't listen.

3) "Don't marry the person you think you can live with, marry the individual you think you can't live without." (James C. Dobson). Do you agree with the statement? Why?

I think it's true half way. "Crazily in love" only lasts maybe 6 months. But true love lasts a lifetime. If at that moment you feel you can't live without him... Hey, that feeling is gonna last 6 months max. But if you can live with his imperfectness, his beer belly, spare tyres, dirty laundry and nose picking then, as long as he loves you, willing to take care of you spiritually, financially, physically AND most importantly, accept you for who you are... Hey, that guy is worth marrying. No point marrying a guy who, for the first 6 months makes you crazy about him and then, the next 60 years gives you hell!

4) What are the three things which you appreciate MOST about your wife?

My lovely wife has loads of good values. Firstly, I think she trusts me a lot. In my work, I need to spend time with ladies- clients and agents nearly everyday. Most of the time, 1 to 1. Yet, she doesn't question my whereabouts and who I'm meeting. I hold myself well enough to fend off naughty girls. So it's a win-win situation. And ladies, husbands hate it when you are being suspicious all the time. It feels like the income tax breathing down your neck every night. And please, if your husband wants to cheat, he can do it in a tree or in a cupboard. So trust him. If you cant trust him don't marry him. Secondly, she takes care of our babies very, very well. Full of motherly love. She hardly nags now, because I listen. She is amazingly cheap to maintain for a lady with good taste in fashion and style. And finally, she is a doctor. So what more can a man ask for, when your wife posseses all those qualities and yet, she's a doctor! She is never, never fat. She is still beautifully slim after our babies.

That's it... Thanks for letting me share.

Appreciation: Thanks, Ah Keong, for sharing with us!

THUD!!! My Baby Fell!!!

You heard that sickening sound and your stomach muscles started to contract... too late, the wailing rose to a crescendo.

Your baby just fell off the bed/cot/high chair/couch/steps/table/staircase.....

We told ourselves that we'd be really quick, baby should be quite safe. He isn't rolling that far yet or she can sit still for two seconds (what were we thinking?) or the cot is low enough to prevent him from falling off the sides.

But, the next second after it happened, we felt terribly lousy about ourselves... and I mean the "my-baby-is-going-to-die-it's-all-my-fault-and-I-don't-deserve-to-be-a-mom/dad" kind of lousy.

What happened recently..........

Monday

My baby fell off the high chair. She must have landed on her head as I could feel a huge bump on the left side of her head. However, minutes later, she was her usual self again, playing and laughing away.

Tuesday

Everything was normal. No vomiting. No fainting or signs of unconsciousness. She was perfectly normal. By night time however, I felt a soft, spongy lump on her head where the hard bump used to be. My heart sank. Did the skull crack? Did the brain fluid leak out? In full panic mode, I rushed her to the emergency unit of a nearby hospital. The medical officer in charge asked how long had it been since she fell. I told him more than 24 hours already. 

"Oh," he said. "No fainting? No vomiting? No blood? Nothing? Everything normal? She's active? Yes? You can go home then." 

I was going "But what about this soft lump here? What is this?!" 

He then casually replied it was nothing to worry about. 

"Why??!! This is not normal!" I said.

"Our brain is very vascular so that lump is just clotted blood since some blood vessels burst. But it's not internal since she's ok. Children's bones are very flexible so they don't break so easily unlike adults and they recover very fast too. I can put a needle in to take out the blood (gasp!) , but if you don't want, just give it two or three weeks or so, the lump will disappear.... and I think, now you can also disappear!" He said with a smile.

I was relieved. My baby won't have brain damage. 

Wednesday

Baby was fine and her usual self. Mummy was feeling better but by evening, started to think that a second opinion was probably a good idea ----- just in case.

Thursday

I brought her to see the pediatrician of the said nearby hospital again. While he concurred what the medical officer said earlier, he advised X-ray to ensure there are no fractures in the skull.... which I obediently complied. The results reassured me further that there really was nothing to worry about.

What the doctor said:

If there's a fall, the next 5 - 6 hours are crucial. We have to ensure the baby/toddler/child doesn't fall asleep. Observe signs of vomiting (indication of internal injury), unconsciousness... any abnormality. After 24 hours, if all is well, there shouldn't be anything to worry about. 

What is that soft, spongy lump?

As the medical officer elaborated, just burst blood vessels which is superficial, the medical term being hematoma.

A few mothers I talked to had similar experiences e.g. baby falling off cot, daddy's clutches, bed.... so it's a common enough phenomenon for most parents to identify with. In fact, one more extreme case I got to know of was a 5 year old child falling from the second floor of a double storey house... through the window! Miraculously (and I mean, really! DIVINE!), the child was unharmed except for a few scratches..

So, I'm sharing this to hopefully, console parents who have experienced something similar. We do our best, but accidents do happen. 

For parents who have yet to experience this ( and I hope you never have to), take all the necessary preventive and precautionary measures. One can't be too careful when it comes to children. We like to think we're supermums/dads but the fact is, our reflexes aren't as lightning quick as theirs.

But if something should happen, always consult your doctor...because we can trust that doctors know best, right? Right? (more to come in Doc. Dilemma-after Man Talk)

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky

Man Talk - Ben

 


Name: Ben

Location: Kuching, Malaysia

Age: 32 

Married for 6 years.

1) What aspect of your marriage do you find most challenging and which aspect, most endearing?

Ben: I find the differences in values and habits as most challenging. Each of us holds different sets of values and habits and once we got married and started living under one roof, suddenly the differences that we once cherished as unique became the cause of frictions. For example, family bond is of utmost importance to me, and this includes relatives. I want to visit my family members & relatives as often as possible and want my children to develop close ties with them. My wife, on the other hand, thinks differently. She prefers to focus on our nucleus family.

Most endearing is to know that marriage means having a close confidante. My wife listens to me, she is my reflection, my solace, my pride and my strength. It pays to have a second view on everything.

2) What do you think about the practice of 'one-ness' in everything husbands and wives do including the symbolic gesture of having only one bank account or sharing only one blanket when they sleep? (I have a friend who insisted that he and the Mrs. must use only one quilt and not separate ones)

Ben: No, not a big deal to me. In essential matters, oneness, in non-essential matters, liberty. For example, it is essential to practice oneness by living together, under one roof to preserve and develop the marriage. However, in others, like bank accounts or for that matter blankets, I am liberal. I think it is more important to be able to develop trust between each other. No point if the couple have a joint account but they have to justify and argue over every expenditure just because the spouse can not trust the partner’s decision. Without trust, possibly the spouse may hoard or hide certain information from the partner. What’s the point then?

3) There is a saying that goes, "Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you." What is your take on this as far as communication between couples are concerned?

Ben: I always think that connecting with my wife is very important. It will be weird if I can’t connect with the person lying next to me every night! That sounds more like a housemate or roommate! Connecting, however, involves participation from both parties, to have both the airtime and listening as well. However, when men come back from work, sometimes it takes a longer time to unwind from his work, especially if it has been a tough day. Men also have a cave mentality. Sometimes men just have to run to the cave to unwind. Once done, he is back to normal, and I mean really normal without any emotional baggage from earlier. on. For wives out there, yeah I know you want to be pampered by your dear husband once he comes back from work, but remember sometimes the timing may not be to your favour. However, if the husband constantly needs his space and cave, then I think he is not being fair to his wife.

4) It is said that "men would rather be respected more than loved..". Do you think that is true and how should wives play their part to keep their spouses happy?

Ben: This “respect” thing can build or tear a man apart (due to lack of it) . For me, I want my wife to respect me in the way she treats me. Imagine if a wife were to look down on the poor husband, and over time, he will become a timid person, a loser if you like. It becomes a negative spiral. I think a mutual respect will build the marriage towards a positive spiral and ultimately a successful marriage. Everybody wants happy marriages and it takes two to tango. So the husband cannot expect the wife to respect him if he can’t respect her. For my definition, marriage is a partnership.

Appreciation: Thank you, Ben, for sharing with us!