Values and Morals do Matter

While the PPSMI debate is still ongoing, I would like to touch on another subject in our education system which needs due attention: Moral Education. 

When I was a student, I used to think that Moral Education was a waste of time. Even though it was an exam subject in the SPM, I believed then and even now, that a grade in this particular paper does not represent the actual moral standing of a person. Memorizing the 36 'nilai-nilai murni' was just another form of rote learning which had taken up unnecessary space in my brain. 

However, after a recent trip to China, I do think that perhaps Moral Education is useful after all. Nearly everywhere we went in Beijing, basic courtesy was so lacking. It was so evident in the way that shopkeepers would scold customers who did not buy their wares and in people who shoved us out of the way while queueing without so much as an "Excuse me". Traffic laws were flouted habitually. Honesty was pretty much non-existent. Most tourists who have been to China would attest to the experience of what-you-paid-for-is-not-what-you-thought-you'll-get. Chinese locals spat everywhere they went, even within the marbled floors of a museum! 

After observing the locals' behavior, I concluded that there is no 'moral code' for them to abide by. The damage done since the Cultural Revolution has led to the deficiency of humanitarian values. In the wake of their massive economic growth, the society has become so "ultra-utilitarian that it concerns itself with rich lists, GDP growth and test scores" (Jiang Xueqin, The Diplomat). It is frightening how there's a fake version of everything from Gucci bags to eggs. Human lives have so little value that people would rather compensate a death than extend help and treatment as evidenced from the tragic Wang Yue incident. 

In Malaysia, we are fortunate as we still have our religion and a standard moral guideline through Moral Education in schools. However, we should not rest on our laurels as our society is still grappling with countless social diseases; domestic and child abuse, teen pregnancy, baby dumping, bullying, divorce, corruption… just to name a few. Therefore, while it is good to maintain the subject, the content should be revised and integrated into other areas so that it remains relevant to our children and youths. Apart from that, there has to be a paradigm shift from the obsession with straight A's to character building. We do not want our future society to be so driven by materialistic wealth that values like integrity and altruism are shelved. 

In the words of Martin Luther King Jr. : "The function of education, therefore, is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. But education which stops with efficiency may prove the greatest menace to society. The most dangerous criminal may be the man gifted with reason, but with no morals." 

Malaysians can not, should not, MUST not walk down this path.

(published on 11/12/2011) link: Values and Morals do matter

[the editor edited it to make it 'less offensive']

Carpe Diem, everyone!

Becky

The Knight in Rusty Armour

IS chivalry sexist?” asked Mary Schneider, to which I answer wholeheartedly, “Heavens, NO!” (But Then Again, June 20)

If I may take it a step further, should one examine medieval literature, chivalry can be classified under three basic areas: duty to countrymen and fellow Christians, duty to God, and most commonly, duty to women, as addressed in Schneider’s article.

The last area is also known as courtly love chivalry. During the 11th century, a knight’s duty was to his own lady and after her, all ladies. He was supposed to exhibit a general gentleness and graciousness to all members of the fairer sex.

Even today, that is not an uncommon expression of affection when one is in courtship. When wooing their lady love, most men would go to great lengths to make her feel special, whether it is by opening the car door for her, carrying her heavy grocery bag or patiently walking with her as she window-shops at her favourite boutique. However, feminists like to argue against it.

But chivalrous treatment of the lady has been the norm for dating couples. It is very unlikely that a woman will retort fiercely to a man who has just pulled out the chair for her, “You benevolent sexist! I can do that myself! Remember I am your EQUAL!”

But what happens after the wedding bells have been rung and marital vows exchanged?

Instead of opening the car door for her upon arrival at their destination, the husband closes his own door and walks off. When once they used to walk hand in hand at the shopping mall, the man now strides two or three paces ahead while the woman has to play catch up. Although, to his credit, he does turn back once in a while to ask, “Can’t you walk faster?” Gone are the days when he would window-shop with her. His newspaper is his friend while he sits on the bench and gruffly tells his wife: “Go ahead, let me finish this article...”

Maybe not all men become less chivalrous after marriage, but most do slack in their courteous treatment towards their wives. This is from the horse’s mouth, by the way; my own husband would attest to it. If the above does not apply to you, I congratulate you.

So husbands, why not continue that chivalrous trend even after you’ve already captured your sweet maiden’s heart and hand? After all, surely your wife is still just as deserving, if not more so, of your gracious manners as when she was only your girlfriend. In all honesty, it still does make us feel very special.

(published 26th June 2011) Link: The Knight in Rusty Armour

Carpe Diem, everyone!

Becky

Letter to My Daughters

What one mother would like her girls to know, just in case God decides to call her home sooner rather than later.

MY dear girls,

As a financial planner, one overused phrase I always hear and have to repeat is: “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” This pertains to one’s finances, of course. It occurred to me one day, what if I planned my finances well enough for you to inherit all my hard-earned money, but I fail to express my hopes and aspirations for you?

Money as a legacy may not last very long, but I hope that as beneficiaries of these heartfelt words of mine, you will always remember my love for you transcends time and death.

My beams of sunshine

Your papa and I often called you both our “sunshine” the first time you smiled at us as infants. I wanted to be the best mother possible for my babies so I loaded up on flash cards, toys that encouraged the development of your fine motor skills, Mozart CDs (supposedly, they make babies more intelligent).

I read up on babies’ and toddlers’ developmental stages. I spent nearly all my free time facilitating your learning experiences when you were older, making sure every moment was constructive to your critical learning years.

But one day, my dear Rachel, you turned to me and you said, “Mama, why don’t we just play?” It struck me then, that in my haste and enthusiasm to “develop” you, I had taken the joy out of our experience. I was missing out on savouring your growing moments.

Therefore, Leia, since your elder sister was the guinea pig for most of our parenting “firsts”, I am happy to write that I did not commit the same mistakes with you. So make sure you thank your sister for it.

Bulldogs’ cheeks and flabby arms

If laughter is the best medicine, then children are the ultimate elixir!

I have lost count of the times when your innocent banter sent me into stitches and, not a few times, into speechlessness. Like the time when Rachel stretched my left arm out and said “Mummy, look! Bulldogs’ cheeks are like that! Puh-lop, puh-lop, puh-lop ...,” while flapping the loose skin under my upper arm.

Or when playing Simon Says, Leia, you weren’t even two and you did EVERYTHING your sister instructed, including “Simon says pick your nose ...!”

The point here is, find humour in everything you do and in everyone you meet. For there will be times when you may meet a dead end or encounter unpleasantness in some people.

Humour has a wonderful way of clearing up muddled situations that tempers can’t.

So laugh a lot and laugh hard, laugh till your tears roll down your cheeks and your sides hurt. All those endorphins will do you good.

If all else fails, I find that watching a YouTube video of Phua Chu Kang often helps ...

To infinity and beyond!

My dear girls, when I gaze into your bright eyes, I believe that both of you can be GREAT. You are incredibly intelligent (your papa would say you inherited his brain). Whatever your dreams may be, reach for them, and reach high.

Never let a jealous schoolmate, or a frustrated teacher having a bad day, or even a family member tell you that there are things you cannot do (except for taking drugs, drinking, gambling – you know the drill!).

Life is too full of mediocre people telling the extraordinary ones what can’t be done. Never mind what can’t be done. It is your business to decide what can be done. Period.

Who will be your Prince Charming?

I may not be around by this time, but I have to have a say on my future sons-in-law. (However, if you choose to remain single, feel free to skip this part.)

My precious ones, when it comes to matters of the heart, girls must not let them go to their heads. Always conduct yourselves in such a manner that no man would dare dishonour you. You must consciously decide whom you will love. Love a man who is worthy of you and one who appreciates you.

Of course, if I have to break it down to specifics, I would probably say look to your father as a fine example of a man who is not flawless but always loving, helpful and respectful towards women.

One thing you must understand about your mama’s heart – you will always be my cherished little ones. So it is my hope that the men both of you eventually choose as your soulmates will treasure you even more. But if they don’t, you can be sure I’ll return to haunt their miserable, wretched lives for a long, looooong time.

And, finally

When I ponder the miracle of my two beautiful girls, I can’t help feeling as Maria and the Captain did in The Sound Of Music: “For here you are, standing there, loving me, whether or not you should. So somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good.”

Dear ones, with every hug, in every kiss, every time you say “Mama, you are the best mummy!”, with every letter or card you’ve written, and with every picture you’ve drawn of “beautiful mama”, I thank God for rewarding me for that something good I must have done in the past with my two lovely angels.

I love you both so much.

(published: 12th June 2011) Link: Letter to My Daughters

Carpe Diem, everyone!

Becky

Dear Visitors to Carpe Diem Mamas,

During my hiatus from blogging, I have gone mainstream and have been writing on a regular basis to our national (Malaysian) newspaper, The Star, on various issues I feel strongly about. (Oh yes, just in case you're wondering if I get paid doing it, cos everybody keeps asking me that, -----I don't, as I'm not a columnist. It's just another platform for me to express my views.) I will be putting selected published articles here on the blog to share with all of you. Feel free to give your feedback.... unless it's derogatory or unkind, in which case I'll just spam you. Apart from that, you're most welcome to share your thoughts!

Thin does not mean pretty

I APPRECIATE Mary Schneider’s article, Fill her up!, especially the last line: “If only some parents would stop focusing so much on their children’s physical attributes, we’d have a lot more healthier adults on this planet.”

I have two daughters. The older, now six, was a beautiful, chubby baby and she retained her baby fat for a while.

However, due to swimming and dance lessons (which she loves, by the way), she gained some height and muscle tone.

It never occurred to me to do all this to make her “thinner” as I believe very much in making exercise a lifestyle.

What irked me though were parents (incidentally, more mothers than fathers) who came up to her and said, “Wow, you look so pretty now! So slim!”

I was aghast by that statement.

Firstly, I have been spending a lot of time telling my daughter that beauty is not dependent on how thin she is, but rather, her beauty should radiate from within, through her kindness, confidence and health.

I even highlighted the problem of anorexia nervosa in some girls who are obsessed with being thin, to the detriment of their own well-being.

Secondly, I have also been explaining to her that beauty comes in many forms, not just a particular shape, height or colour.

It broke my heart when she sometimes came up to me and told me her friend called her fat and that she didn’t think she is pretty.

Although I cannot control what other people say to my daughter, I hope that parents (especially mothers) will accept and appreciate the fact that their children do not have to adhere to Hollywood standards of superficial attractiveness to be beautiful.

(published 29th May, 2011) Thin does not mean pretty

Carpe Diem, everyone!

Becky

Man Talk - Victor

Name: Victor

Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Age: 31 years old

Married for 6 years

1) An Anonymous asked "..is contributing to the community more important than contributing to your infant son?.." (Man Talk - Ah Keong).

Bringing up our children will directly contribute to humanity, on a smaller scale, to our country, our state, our city and our neigbourhood. A person with good principle/ethics/values/character walking on the street is definitely better compared to walking in the streets with 'wolves'.

A strong/healthy country consist of a strong/healthy family. Family is made out of individual, and community is made out of groups of individuals/families. So in reality, contributing to our children is contributing to the community around us.

Brief summary, regardless, our contribution to the 'community' or to our children we are contributing to our community. Which is more important? That's your pick!

2) Ah Keong stated that men have no right to balance their lifestyle until they can balance their family cheque book. Do you agree/disagree with him and why?

I've some questions for Ah Keong:

a) I would like to know why does he think that the family cheque book needs to be balanced before he gets his own lifestyle balanced?

b) Where did he get the notion that only man have the responsibility to balance their family cheque book? Answer honestly.

c) At what figure (RM/USD ???) is considered, "balanced family cheque book"?

d) What is a balanced lifestyle?

e) What are your priorities in life? How much time do you spend based on your priorities? Does the time spent tally with your priorities? E.g. My priority is Family, Work, and Hobby. I spent 1 hour for family, 12 hours at work, and none for my hobby. Does it tally?

At this point, many will think that I'm attacking Ah Keong. I'm not, the questions is meant to trigger some soul searching. Some may feel angry, some will say, "I've not thought about it before" and some would 'just' read, period :-D. If we were to ask these same questions to 10 different men, most of them would answer differently.

To start with, we are not immortal, as time passes so does our youth, as time passes so does our opportunities. This may read as, work harder! Yea, right! Please don't jump the gun too soon, this applies to our entire life, including those that we missed out spending with our family. Balance is always read out as 50% this and 50% that, 50:50 la..

 I would like to differ in opinion. Have you every played tug of war? The games require two teams. A center line is drawn, an additional one line is marked 4 meters distance from the center line at each direction, a red ribbon is tied in the center of the rope and lastly a blue ribbon is tied about 15ft from the red ribbon at each direction. Two teams on the opposite site, when the whistle is blown, the games start! The goal: the first team that is able to pull the opposite blue ribbon across the center line wins! Balance is like Tug of War, it is rarely 50%:50%. Each side of the rope has tension, the strongest at any point of time will bring the rope out from the center line (red ribbon moving left and right from the center line). So, balance is like Tug of War, at different season/time there is different priority that need attention but it does not mean we abandoned another, its at a different percent all the time. One item does differ though, we should never allow the blue ribbon to reach as close to the center line (or blue ribbon crosses the center line), if it does, that is the signal of extreme in life. So here is my 2 cents, always try to stay as center as possible, the tension at both ends is necessary to keep the check and balance.

Men work to kill time, while time quietly kills them.

3)  "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times - always with the same person." (Mignon Mclaughlin). Based on your own personal experience, is it possible for the above to happen?

Each day passes, I discover something new about my wife. Ok.. maybe not day... sometimes weeks, months, sometimes years. And each day passes, I discover that I love her differently as a friend, companion and lover. Does that count? In our first year of our marriage, my wife cooked for me, I LOVE that. I never required my wife to cook! She cooked because her mother does it to make the family happy! She just followed suit.. Recently, in our fifth year of our marriage, we started to learn how to joke about some serious situations, we've got lots to learns in this area, and I LOVE her for it! Does that count?

I've not read anything written by Mignon Mclaughlin, I've no idea what she is talking about. I'll try to get the context right before I provide further comment. FYI, it takes years for me to read any book! Good luck waiting...

4) What is the most challenging aspect of being a father?

Taking care and pouring more LOVE to my wife! I always remind myself not to neglect my wife. It is so easy to put all my energy to my son but I always remind myself, DON"T neglect my best friend, my wife! Some will ask why.. its because a good wife is God given, two souls tied together as one, my son however, our souls are not tied together..

My wife and I will always be one, but not with my son, that is what I believe... My son will grow up and leave, have his own family. My wife, we will grow old together. The covenant between a hushband and wife is different from that of parents and child. And also, I've discovered that, if I love my wife more, naturally, I'll love my son more. But if I 'love' my son more, I may overlook my wife's needs. It also means, I do not neglect anyone, if I love my wife first.

Such "Pain in the Butt"!

Well, to be more specific.... a terrible, terrible itch in the butt.. or rather, even more specifically......in the anus.

Yes, it doesn't sound pretty but I was wondering what happened when my daughter was crying incessantly about her 'bottom being itchy'... At first, I thought maybe she didn't clean herself well, then I thought maybe she was just attention-seeking.. but when it got worse - she would frequently cry and throw herself on the floor while kicking her legs - I decided that it must be a genuine problem.

There were no marks on her bottom or in the areas surrounding her anus as I suspected it might have been a rash or infection or something. So, I decided to consult some experienced mothers (always the first step before before deciding whether to blow my savings on the doctors). Most immediately replied "Oh, she has worms!"

Like eeewww, right? How do you know anyway? Apparently, what happens is that sometimes due to the food we take , we might have contracted these unwanted guests in our guts and some could have migrated waaaaaay south, therefore causing a lot of discomfort to us or our young ones. Personally, I have not experienced it before so I can't speak for myself.

But since my daughter was in such major discomfort, I consulted the pharmacist for some remedy that might help. They recommended Zentel.

I gave it to her according to the dosage stated and practically, waited with great anticipation to see if it worked.

And you know what? It did...

She never cried about "itchy bottom" again and was happy as a lark...and I felt so relieved until I thought :

"Oh my gosh, what if I have a tapeworm swimming inside me?" If you think about it, my girl is only 6 and she contracted a 'worm'... I am now 33 and have ingested a whole lot more crap into my system than she has.

Maybe we adults should also think about deworming ourselves too.... Ewww....

Carpe Diem!

Becky

HAPPY 2011!

Dear all, 

Happy 2011 to all of you! Hope you're off to a great start! I have been quite busy so I read some of the comments from new visitors only recently. Thank you for visiting and for your interest in Carpe Diem Mamas.. Hope you've found the information helpful!

And now, a little inspiring poem to start off the year ! I think this is a good reminder and useful to apply whether at home or work, whether we think of our roles as parents, friends, rivals, acquaintances, colleagues...etc to people around us. No man/woman is an island and it is only too true that the world is a mirror of our own attitude towards it. So, I hope this will brighten your day and have a good year ahead....

Carpe Diem, everyone!

Becky

Wine and Confinement -- To take or not to take?

Contribution by laifchan:

Was doing some reading about this issue and found 2 recent helpful articles written by Chinese researchers.

Here's a summary of my own thoughts and conclusions.

Out of the many traditions during confinement, taking red rice wine chicken soup is one that is held to dearly for a few reasons:

1. Its delicious :)

2. Claims of improving the mother's health ie prevents arthritis, balances the hot-cold thingy, improves strenght etc (not going to dispute it but lets just say so far no scientific evidence)

However, there have been countless research showing detrimental effects of alcohol on babies development (of course,  a limitation is that most studies don't track children's development into adulthood).

The question is,  does taking red rice wine chicken soup cause significant amounts of alcohol into breastmilk and cause negative effects in babies?

Well, anecdotally (meaning hearsay), Chinese women have been practicing these tradition for eons and have produced "bright" children who have grown up to be 'successful' adults. However, stories without examining the multiple factors that may influence how children turn out to be 'smart' may be misleading.

Also, there is a belief that the alcohol content in red rice wine chicken soup is negligible. This myth is challenged in 1 of the attached articles which showed that after less than 3 hrs after taking normal amounts of this soup, there IS still alcohol in the milk that can cause significant changes to the composition of breastmilk (less nutrients) and can decrease milk production.

Also, although Chinese women do breastfeed during confinement while taking red rice wine chicken soup, not many breastfeed exclusively but end up supplementing with formula milk even within the 1st mth, so the babies maybe less exposed to the negative consequences of alcohol.

Given the many proven benefits of exculsively breastfeeding for at least 6 mths ie better immunity in babies, what options do mothers have if they still want to take red rice wine soup while exclusively breastfeeding?

Well, I guess it should be done in moderation and breastfeeding timed to be at least 3 hrs after consumption of this soup.

For myself, a practical thing to do is:

1.limit any form of alcohol to just this soup (personal reasons coz i find it delicious, not for any health benefits, and don't like taking any other form of alcohol ie DOM etc)

2. Take it during dinner after i've expressed milk for my baby's night-feeds 

-this way, it would be at least a good 8 hrs before i nurse my baby after the soup and this will probably mitigate any effects of the alcohol

-couldn't do it for Jason as he seemed to be perpetually stuck to my breasts and left me no time to express, so I didn't take any soup, anyway he had jaundice so all the more reason not to take any alcohol (didn't want to overwork his tiny liver)

- another advantage of giving the baby expressed milk at night is somebody else (husbands/confnement lady) can help feed the baby while the mother is able to rest

Any other ideas or comments, people?

More on : Doing the 'Confinement Month'

               Consumption of Alcoholic Soup during Confinement Month

Thank you, laifchan!!!

A Personal Note

Dear Friends,

  The blog has been in status quo for awhile now. That's because I've taken on a few commitments among which include a study course, training teachers, an NGO voluntary work, swimming classes besides balancing with work and family. So, quite a few things to colour my life and I'm loving every minute of it!

  Therefore, I decided to continue updating the blog on an as & when basis. If you'd like to contribute please let me know. I'm also looking for a co-author of the mama blog as well. So do inform me if you're interested. :)

   Thank you for being faithful followers and readers of Carpe Diem Mama. Continue to be the great mamas & papas you all are!!!

Carpe Diem, everyone!

Becky

Doc. Dilemma

There are some situations which can cause a lot of marital conflicts and personal dilemma. But none, I think, as distressing as when it concerns our children's health and medical well-being.

It could be an accident, high fever or a diarrhoea that's been running for days. More often than not, one spouse would be more anxious than the other in seeking medical attention.

Spouse #1: Oh no, something's not right with Tommy.

Spouse #2: He looks fine to me.

Spouse #1: I think we better bring him to a doctor.

Spouse #2: You're over reacting.

Spouse #1: Don't you care about our child? Must he be bed-ridden before you do something?

Spouse #2: It'll be a waste of money. The doctor will say he's fine and prescribe him medicine which you throw away anyway.

Spouse #1: You're heartless! What if it's something serious which could have been prevented?

Spouse #2: I still say you're over reacting..I don't give doctors free money.

Familiar?

This is further exacerbated by the fact that there doesn't seem to be a standard medical practice. One doctor prescribes one treatment which can be refuted by another doctor. The patients might have to seek a few opinions to confirm the first one at the expense of our pockets and children's welfare.

For instance, a friend's son had a prolonged stomach pain. They consulted a paediatrician who immediately admitted him (after asking if they had a medical card) and prescribed a cocktail of drugs for the little boy.  When his condition was not improving, they decided to consult a second paedtrician who told them the drugs were unnecessary. He prescribed only one type of medicine which the boy took and recovered speedily after that.

My Dilemma

In my case, when I sought a second opinion (Thud! My Baby Fell!) the paediatrician advised X-Ray on the fourth day after my baby's fall to ensure there was no fracture. I complied after I asked him if there will be any side effects from the rays to which he replied there was nothing to worry about.

My husband blew his top when he found out I allowed our child to be X-rayed.

"YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO LISTEN TO THE DOCTOR!!!" he said.

How was I supposed to know better? Google!!?

Anyway, easier said than done.

When you present your sick/injured child to a doctor and he/she paints you the worst case scenario e.g. she might develop bronchitis/the high fever could affect his brain/the fall could have caused internal injury...etc and they recommend a treatment (usually a very costly one) followed by "But it's your choice of course." .... How easy is it for any responsible parent to just say "Nah, I'll take a gamble.. maybe it's not so bad.."...???

Unnecessary X-Ray

Having said that, when I checked with another doctor and friends in medical related jobs, I was told that if a child shows no abnormal symptoms and since it was already 4 days, there should be no cause for concern. But even if there was a hairline fracture on the skull, nothing can be done about it. So, usually doctors let the fracture heal by themselves. Also, X-rays are usually recommended only when it's really, really necessary as X-rays can stunt children's growth and development albeit in large doses.   [See : Are X-Rays harmful to children?]

The words "annoyed, miffed, angry, betrayed" were not sufficient to even begin describing my inner turmoil then. It's one thing if I have to pay more for the recommended treatment/test (which I mind less), it's another thing if that treatment/test may have an adverse effect on my child. Surely, if the doctor had firmly said my child was alright without X-Ray, I would not have opted for it.

Choices, choices, choices....
One can choose of course to go to general hospital where it is more economical and doctors are not profit-oriented. The treatment may not be inferior to that of private hospitals'. Of course, the downside is that the queue may be super-long and more often than not, the patient will be sent from one counter to another to register, to wait, to pay...etc.

OR, consult doctor friends and experienced parents to get corroborating information on a medical condition and prescribed treatment before giving it the green light.

Conclusion and Appreciation
At the end of the day, we parents just want the best for our children and that includes healthcare. Usually, parents who can afford it don't mind paying for immediate and the best medical attention. But really, it's another story altogether when doctors cash in on patients' illnesses by prescribing unnecessary and costly scans or treatments which may also have adverse effects on the patients. 

Therefore, I raise my hat off to doctors who genuinely care for their patients' well-being, whether in private or public practice. It's not easy working long hours, being sleep-deprived, having to entertain difficult patients and remaining professional at all times. So, my appreciation goes out to you, good doctors..

Perhaps some good doctors or experienced parents can advise on the best course of action to take in the event of a medical situation involving kids?

Carpe Diem, ladies!
Becky

Man Talk - Ah Keong

Name: Ah Keong
Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Age: 33
Married for 3.5 years.

1) How do you strike a balance between work and your family life?

I think if you can't balance your family cheque book you have no right to balance your lifestyle. First, make enough money to give your wife an option to stay home to take care of your children if she wishes to. If you can do that, now we can talk about balancing lifestyle. I work 5 full days a week- meaning around 12-14 hours a day. But my Saturdays and Sundays are for my family. Whenever I can I bring my family overseas for 10 days holiday. Just did Europe and Australia this year with my in-laws, parents, wife and children. So I think the quality of time spent with your family is more important than quantity. If your wife keeps complaining about not enough money for the household, step up boys... Time to be a man, and take good care of the income.

2) An Anonymous under 'Five Love Languages' commented that women nag their husbands because of the "failure on man's part to listen CAREFULLY and ATTENTIVELY..no joke.." . What's your take on that since it's a common occurrence for women to 'nag' their husbands? (apparently, due to the common occurrence that men don't listen..)

Totally agree on the quote. Yes, wives nag because men don't listen. Totally true. I'm that kind of man that can't do 2 things simultaneously. So sometimes I can hear what she is mumbling but can't understand the meaning. That's where all the argument starts. So now I learnt my lesson, when your wife talks, stop and listen. Ask again if you don't understand. If you easily forget put it down in your smartphone or notebook. Can't afford a week of silence just because we men don't listen.

3) "Don't marry the person you think you can live with, marry the individual you think you can't live without." (James C. Dobson). Do you agree with the statement? Why?

I think it's true half way. "Crazily in love" only lasts maybe 6 months. But true love lasts a lifetime. If at that moment you feel you can't live without him... Hey, that feeling is gonna last 6 months max. But if you can live with his imperfectness, his beer belly, spare tyres, dirty laundry and nose picking then, as long as he loves you, willing to take care of you spiritually, financially, physically AND most importantly, accept you for who you are... Hey, that guy is worth marrying. No point marrying a guy who, for the first 6 months makes you crazy about him and then, the next 60 years gives you hell!

4) What are the three things which you appreciate MOST about your wife?

My lovely wife has loads of good values. Firstly, I think she trusts me a lot. In my work, I need to spend time with ladies- clients and agents nearly everyday. Most of the time, 1 to 1. Yet, she doesn't question my whereabouts and who I'm meeting. I hold myself well enough to fend off naughty girls. So it's a win-win situation. And ladies, husbands hate it when you are being suspicious all the time. It feels like the income tax breathing down your neck every night. And please, if your husband wants to cheat, he can do it in a tree or in a cupboard. So trust him. If you cant trust him don't marry him. Secondly, she takes care of our babies very, very well. Full of motherly love. She hardly nags now, because I listen. She is amazingly cheap to maintain for a lady with good taste in fashion and style. And finally, she is a doctor. So what more can a man ask for, when your wife posseses all those qualities and yet, she's a doctor! She is never, never fat. She is still beautifully slim after our babies.

That's it... Thanks for letting me share.

Appreciation: Thanks, Ah Keong, for sharing with us!

THUD!!! My Baby Fell!!!

You heard that sickening sound and your stomach muscles started to contract... too late, the wailing rose to a crescendo.

Your baby just fell off the bed/cot/high chair/couch/steps/table/staircase.....

We told ourselves that we'd be really quick, baby should be quite safe. He isn't rolling that far yet or she can sit still for two seconds (what were we thinking?) or the cot is low enough to prevent him from falling off the sides.

But, the next second after it happened, we felt terribly lousy about ourselves... and I mean the "my-baby-is-going-to-die-it's-all-my-fault-and-I-don't-deserve-to-be-a-mom/dad" kind of lousy.

What happened recently..........

Monday

My baby fell off the high chair. She must have landed on her head as I could feel a huge bump on the left side of her head. However, minutes later, she was her usual self again, playing and laughing away.

Tuesday

Everything was normal. No vomiting. No fainting or signs of unconsciousness. She was perfectly normal. By night time however, I felt a soft, spongy lump on her head where the hard bump used to be. My heart sank. Did the skull crack? Did the brain fluid leak out? In full panic mode, I rushed her to the emergency unit of a nearby hospital. The medical officer in charge asked how long had it been since she fell. I told him more than 24 hours already. 

"Oh," he said. "No fainting? No vomiting? No blood? Nothing? Everything normal? She's active? Yes? You can go home then." 

I was going "But what about this soft lump here? What is this?!" 

He then casually replied it was nothing to worry about. 

"Why??!! This is not normal!" I said.

"Our brain is very vascular so that lump is just clotted blood since some blood vessels burst. But it's not internal since she's ok. Children's bones are very flexible so they don't break so easily unlike adults and they recover very fast too. I can put a needle in to take out the blood (gasp!) , but if you don't want, just give it two or three weeks or so, the lump will disappear.... and I think, now you can also disappear!" He said with a smile.

I was relieved. My baby won't have brain damage. 

Wednesday

Baby was fine and her usual self. Mummy was feeling better but by evening, started to think that a second opinion was probably a good idea ----- just in case.

Thursday

I brought her to see the pediatrician of the said nearby hospital again. While he concurred what the medical officer said earlier, he advised X-ray to ensure there are no fractures in the skull.... which I obediently complied. The results reassured me further that there really was nothing to worry about.

What the doctor said:

If there's a fall, the next 5 - 6 hours are crucial. We have to ensure the baby/toddler/child doesn't fall asleep. Observe signs of vomiting (indication of internal injury), unconsciousness... any abnormality. After 24 hours, if all is well, there shouldn't be anything to worry about. 

What is that soft, spongy lump?

As the medical officer elaborated, just burst blood vessels which is superficial, the medical term being hematoma.

A few mothers I talked to had similar experiences e.g. baby falling off cot, daddy's clutches, bed.... so it's a common enough phenomenon for most parents to identify with. In fact, one more extreme case I got to know of was a 5 year old child falling from the second floor of a double storey house... through the window! Miraculously (and I mean, really! DIVINE!), the child was unharmed except for a few scratches..

So, I'm sharing this to hopefully, console parents who have experienced something similar. We do our best, but accidents do happen. 

For parents who have yet to experience this ( and I hope you never have to), take all the necessary preventive and precautionary measures. One can't be too careful when it comes to children. We like to think we're supermums/dads but the fact is, our reflexes aren't as lightning quick as theirs.

But if something should happen, always consult your doctor...because we can trust that doctors know best, right? Right? (more to come in Doc. Dilemma-after Man Talk)

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky

Man Talk - Ben

 


Name: Ben

Location: Kuching, Malaysia

Age: 32 

Married for 6 years.

1) What aspect of your marriage do you find most challenging and which aspect, most endearing?

Ben: I find the differences in values and habits as most challenging. Each of us holds different sets of values and habits and once we got married and started living under one roof, suddenly the differences that we once cherished as unique became the cause of frictions. For example, family bond is of utmost importance to me, and this includes relatives. I want to visit my family members & relatives as often as possible and want my children to develop close ties with them. My wife, on the other hand, thinks differently. She prefers to focus on our nucleus family.

Most endearing is to know that marriage means having a close confidante. My wife listens to me, she is my reflection, my solace, my pride and my strength. It pays to have a second view on everything.

2) What do you think about the practice of 'one-ness' in everything husbands and wives do including the symbolic gesture of having only one bank account or sharing only one blanket when they sleep? (I have a friend who insisted that he and the Mrs. must use only one quilt and not separate ones)

Ben: No, not a big deal to me. In essential matters, oneness, in non-essential matters, liberty. For example, it is essential to practice oneness by living together, under one roof to preserve and develop the marriage. However, in others, like bank accounts or for that matter blankets, I am liberal. I think it is more important to be able to develop trust between each other. No point if the couple have a joint account but they have to justify and argue over every expenditure just because the spouse can not trust the partner’s decision. Without trust, possibly the spouse may hoard or hide certain information from the partner. What’s the point then?

3) There is a saying that goes, "Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you." What is your take on this as far as communication between couples are concerned?

Ben: I always think that connecting with my wife is very important. It will be weird if I can’t connect with the person lying next to me every night! That sounds more like a housemate or roommate! Connecting, however, involves participation from both parties, to have both the airtime and listening as well. However, when men come back from work, sometimes it takes a longer time to unwind from his work, especially if it has been a tough day. Men also have a cave mentality. Sometimes men just have to run to the cave to unwind. Once done, he is back to normal, and I mean really normal without any emotional baggage from earlier. on. For wives out there, yeah I know you want to be pampered by your dear husband once he comes back from work, but remember sometimes the timing may not be to your favour. However, if the husband constantly needs his space and cave, then I think he is not being fair to his wife.

4) It is said that "men would rather be respected more than loved..". Do you think that is true and how should wives play their part to keep their spouses happy?

Ben: This “respect” thing can build or tear a man apart (due to lack of it) . For me, I want my wife to respect me in the way she treats me. Imagine if a wife were to look down on the poor husband, and over time, he will become a timid person, a loser if you like. It becomes a negative spiral. I think a mutual respect will build the marriage towards a positive spiral and ultimately a successful marriage. Everybody wants happy marriages and it takes two to tango. So the husband cannot expect the wife to respect him if he can’t respect her. For my definition, marriage is a partnership.

Appreciation: Thank you, Ben, for sharing with us!