Wine and Confinement -- To take or not to take?

Contribution by laifchan:

Was doing some reading about this issue and found 2 recent helpful articles written by Chinese researchers.

Here's a summary of my own thoughts and conclusions.

Out of the many traditions during confinement, taking red rice wine chicken soup is one that is held to dearly for a few reasons:

1. Its delicious :)

2. Claims of improving the mother's health ie prevents arthritis, balances the hot-cold thingy, improves strenght etc (not going to dispute it but lets just say so far no scientific evidence)

However, there have been countless research showing detrimental effects of alcohol on babies development (of course,  a limitation is that most studies don't track children's development into adulthood).

The question is,  does taking red rice wine chicken soup cause significant amounts of alcohol into breastmilk and cause negative effects in babies?

Well, anecdotally (meaning hearsay), Chinese women have been practicing these tradition for eons and have produced "bright" children who have grown up to be 'successful' adults. However, stories without examining the multiple factors that may influence how children turn out to be 'smart' may be misleading.

Also, there is a belief that the alcohol content in red rice wine chicken soup is negligible. This myth is challenged in 1 of the attached articles which showed that after less than 3 hrs after taking normal amounts of this soup, there IS still alcohol in the milk that can cause significant changes to the composition of breastmilk (less nutrients) and can decrease milk production.

Also, although Chinese women do breastfeed during confinement while taking red rice wine chicken soup, not many breastfeed exclusively but end up supplementing with formula milk even within the 1st mth, so the babies maybe less exposed to the negative consequences of alcohol.

Given the many proven benefits of exculsively breastfeeding for at least 6 mths ie better immunity in babies, what options do mothers have if they still want to take red rice wine soup while exclusively breastfeeding?

Well, I guess it should be done in moderation and breastfeeding timed to be at least 3 hrs after consumption of this soup.

For myself, a practical thing to do is:

1.limit any form of alcohol to just this soup (personal reasons coz i find it delicious, not for any health benefits, and don't like taking any other form of alcohol ie DOM etc)

2. Take it during dinner after i've expressed milk for my baby's night-feeds 

-this way, it would be at least a good 8 hrs before i nurse my baby after the soup and this will probably mitigate any effects of the alcohol

-couldn't do it for Jason as he seemed to be perpetually stuck to my breasts and left me no time to express, so I didn't take any soup, anyway he had jaundice so all the more reason not to take any alcohol (didn't want to overwork his tiny liver)

- another advantage of giving the baby expressed milk at night is somebody else (husbands/confnement lady) can help feed the baby while the mother is able to rest

Any other ideas or comments, people?

More on : Doing the 'Confinement Month'

               Consumption of Alcoholic Soup during Confinement Month

Thank you, laifchan!!!

A Personal Note

Dear Friends,

  The blog has been in status quo for awhile now. That's because I've taken on a few commitments among which include a study course, training teachers, an NGO voluntary work, swimming classes besides balancing with work and family. So, quite a few things to colour my life and I'm loving every minute of it!

  Therefore, I decided to continue updating the blog on an as & when basis. If you'd like to contribute please let me know. I'm also looking for a co-author of the mama blog as well. So do inform me if you're interested. :)

   Thank you for being faithful followers and readers of Carpe Diem Mama. Continue to be the great mamas & papas you all are!!!

Carpe Diem, everyone!

Becky

Doc. Dilemma

There are some situations which can cause a lot of marital conflicts and personal dilemma. But none, I think, as distressing as when it concerns our children's health and medical well-being.

It could be an accident, high fever or a diarrhoea that's been running for days. More often than not, one spouse would be more anxious than the other in seeking medical attention.

Spouse #1: Oh no, something's not right with Tommy.

Spouse #2: He looks fine to me.

Spouse #1: I think we better bring him to a doctor.

Spouse #2: You're over reacting.

Spouse #1: Don't you care about our child? Must he be bed-ridden before you do something?

Spouse #2: It'll be a waste of money. The doctor will say he's fine and prescribe him medicine which you throw away anyway.

Spouse #1: You're heartless! What if it's something serious which could have been prevented?

Spouse #2: I still say you're over reacting..I don't give doctors free money.

Familiar?

This is further exacerbated by the fact that there doesn't seem to be a standard medical practice. One doctor prescribes one treatment which can be refuted by another doctor. The patients might have to seek a few opinions to confirm the first one at the expense of our pockets and children's welfare.

For instance, a friend's son had a prolonged stomach pain. They consulted a paediatrician who immediately admitted him (after asking if they had a medical card) and prescribed a cocktail of drugs for the little boy.  When his condition was not improving, they decided to consult a second paedtrician who told them the drugs were unnecessary. He prescribed only one type of medicine which the boy took and recovered speedily after that.

My Dilemma

In my case, when I sought a second opinion (Thud! My Baby Fell!) the paediatrician advised X-Ray on the fourth day after my baby's fall to ensure there was no fracture. I complied after I asked him if there will be any side effects from the rays to which he replied there was nothing to worry about.

My husband blew his top when he found out I allowed our child to be X-rayed.

"YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO LISTEN TO THE DOCTOR!!!" he said.

How was I supposed to know better? Google!!?

Anyway, easier said than done.

When you present your sick/injured child to a doctor and he/she paints you the worst case scenario e.g. she might develop bronchitis/the high fever could affect his brain/the fall could have caused internal injury...etc and they recommend a treatment (usually a very costly one) followed by "But it's your choice of course." .... How easy is it for any responsible parent to just say "Nah, I'll take a gamble.. maybe it's not so bad.."...???

Unnecessary X-Ray

Having said that, when I checked with another doctor and friends in medical related jobs, I was told that if a child shows no abnormal symptoms and since it was already 4 days, there should be no cause for concern. But even if there was a hairline fracture on the skull, nothing can be done about it. So, usually doctors let the fracture heal by themselves. Also, X-rays are usually recommended only when it's really, really necessary as X-rays can stunt children's growth and development albeit in large doses.   [See : Are X-Rays harmful to children?]

The words "annoyed, miffed, angry, betrayed" were not sufficient to even begin describing my inner turmoil then. It's one thing if I have to pay more for the recommended treatment/test (which I mind less), it's another thing if that treatment/test may have an adverse effect on my child. Surely, if the doctor had firmly said my child was alright without X-Ray, I would not have opted for it.

Choices, choices, choices....
One can choose of course to go to general hospital where it is more economical and doctors are not profit-oriented. The treatment may not be inferior to that of private hospitals'. Of course, the downside is that the queue may be super-long and more often than not, the patient will be sent from one counter to another to register, to wait, to pay...etc.

OR, consult doctor friends and experienced parents to get corroborating information on a medical condition and prescribed treatment before giving it the green light.

Conclusion and Appreciation
At the end of the day, we parents just want the best for our children and that includes healthcare. Usually, parents who can afford it don't mind paying for immediate and the best medical attention. But really, it's another story altogether when doctors cash in on patients' illnesses by prescribing unnecessary and costly scans or treatments which may also have adverse effects on the patients. 

Therefore, I raise my hat off to doctors who genuinely care for their patients' well-being, whether in private or public practice. It's not easy working long hours, being sleep-deprived, having to entertain difficult patients and remaining professional at all times. So, my appreciation goes out to you, good doctors..

Perhaps some good doctors or experienced parents can advise on the best course of action to take in the event of a medical situation involving kids?

Carpe Diem, ladies!
Becky

Man Talk - Ah Keong

Name: Ah Keong
Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Age: 33
Married for 3.5 years.

1) How do you strike a balance between work and your family life?

I think if you can't balance your family cheque book you have no right to balance your lifestyle. First, make enough money to give your wife an option to stay home to take care of your children if she wishes to. If you can do that, now we can talk about balancing lifestyle. I work 5 full days a week- meaning around 12-14 hours a day. But my Saturdays and Sundays are for my family. Whenever I can I bring my family overseas for 10 days holiday. Just did Europe and Australia this year with my in-laws, parents, wife and children. So I think the quality of time spent with your family is more important than quantity. If your wife keeps complaining about not enough money for the household, step up boys... Time to be a man, and take good care of the income.

2) An Anonymous under 'Five Love Languages' commented that women nag their husbands because of the "failure on man's part to listen CAREFULLY and ATTENTIVELY..no joke.." . What's your take on that since it's a common occurrence for women to 'nag' their husbands? (apparently, due to the common occurrence that men don't listen..)

Totally agree on the quote. Yes, wives nag because men don't listen. Totally true. I'm that kind of man that can't do 2 things simultaneously. So sometimes I can hear what she is mumbling but can't understand the meaning. That's where all the argument starts. So now I learnt my lesson, when your wife talks, stop and listen. Ask again if you don't understand. If you easily forget put it down in your smartphone or notebook. Can't afford a week of silence just because we men don't listen.

3) "Don't marry the person you think you can live with, marry the individual you think you can't live without." (James C. Dobson). Do you agree with the statement? Why?

I think it's true half way. "Crazily in love" only lasts maybe 6 months. But true love lasts a lifetime. If at that moment you feel you can't live without him... Hey, that feeling is gonna last 6 months max. But if you can live with his imperfectness, his beer belly, spare tyres, dirty laundry and nose picking then, as long as he loves you, willing to take care of you spiritually, financially, physically AND most importantly, accept you for who you are... Hey, that guy is worth marrying. No point marrying a guy who, for the first 6 months makes you crazy about him and then, the next 60 years gives you hell!

4) What are the three things which you appreciate MOST about your wife?

My lovely wife has loads of good values. Firstly, I think she trusts me a lot. In my work, I need to spend time with ladies- clients and agents nearly everyday. Most of the time, 1 to 1. Yet, she doesn't question my whereabouts and who I'm meeting. I hold myself well enough to fend off naughty girls. So it's a win-win situation. And ladies, husbands hate it when you are being suspicious all the time. It feels like the income tax breathing down your neck every night. And please, if your husband wants to cheat, he can do it in a tree or in a cupboard. So trust him. If you cant trust him don't marry him. Secondly, she takes care of our babies very, very well. Full of motherly love. She hardly nags now, because I listen. She is amazingly cheap to maintain for a lady with good taste in fashion and style. And finally, she is a doctor. So what more can a man ask for, when your wife posseses all those qualities and yet, she's a doctor! She is never, never fat. She is still beautifully slim after our babies.

That's it... Thanks for letting me share.

Appreciation: Thanks, Ah Keong, for sharing with us!

THUD!!! My Baby Fell!!!

You heard that sickening sound and your stomach muscles started to contract... too late, the wailing rose to a crescendo.

Your baby just fell off the bed/cot/high chair/couch/steps/table/staircase.....

We told ourselves that we'd be really quick, baby should be quite safe. He isn't rolling that far yet or she can sit still for two seconds (what were we thinking?) or the cot is low enough to prevent him from falling off the sides.

But, the next second after it happened, we felt terribly lousy about ourselves... and I mean the "my-baby-is-going-to-die-it's-all-my-fault-and-I-don't-deserve-to-be-a-mom/dad" kind of lousy.

What happened recently..........

Monday

My baby fell off the high chair. She must have landed on her head as I could feel a huge bump on the left side of her head. However, minutes later, she was her usual self again, playing and laughing away.

Tuesday

Everything was normal. No vomiting. No fainting or signs of unconsciousness. She was perfectly normal. By night time however, I felt a soft, spongy lump on her head where the hard bump used to be. My heart sank. Did the skull crack? Did the brain fluid leak out? In full panic mode, I rushed her to the emergency unit of a nearby hospital. The medical officer in charge asked how long had it been since she fell. I told him more than 24 hours already. 

"Oh," he said. "No fainting? No vomiting? No blood? Nothing? Everything normal? She's active? Yes? You can go home then." 

I was going "But what about this soft lump here? What is this?!" 

He then casually replied it was nothing to worry about. 

"Why??!! This is not normal!" I said.

"Our brain is very vascular so that lump is just clotted blood since some blood vessels burst. But it's not internal since she's ok. Children's bones are very flexible so they don't break so easily unlike adults and they recover very fast too. I can put a needle in to take out the blood (gasp!) , but if you don't want, just give it two or three weeks or so, the lump will disappear.... and I think, now you can also disappear!" He said with a smile.

I was relieved. My baby won't have brain damage. 

Wednesday

Baby was fine and her usual self. Mummy was feeling better but by evening, started to think that a second opinion was probably a good idea ----- just in case.

Thursday

I brought her to see the pediatrician of the said nearby hospital again. While he concurred what the medical officer said earlier, he advised X-ray to ensure there are no fractures in the skull.... which I obediently complied. The results reassured me further that there really was nothing to worry about.

What the doctor said:

If there's a fall, the next 5 - 6 hours are crucial. We have to ensure the baby/toddler/child doesn't fall asleep. Observe signs of vomiting (indication of internal injury), unconsciousness... any abnormality. After 24 hours, if all is well, there shouldn't be anything to worry about. 

What is that soft, spongy lump?

As the medical officer elaborated, just burst blood vessels which is superficial, the medical term being hematoma.

A few mothers I talked to had similar experiences e.g. baby falling off cot, daddy's clutches, bed.... so it's a common enough phenomenon for most parents to identify with. In fact, one more extreme case I got to know of was a 5 year old child falling from the second floor of a double storey house... through the window! Miraculously (and I mean, really! DIVINE!), the child was unharmed except for a few scratches..

So, I'm sharing this to hopefully, console parents who have experienced something similar. We do our best, but accidents do happen. 

For parents who have yet to experience this ( and I hope you never have to), take all the necessary preventive and precautionary measures. One can't be too careful when it comes to children. We like to think we're supermums/dads but the fact is, our reflexes aren't as lightning quick as theirs.

But if something should happen, always consult your doctor...because we can trust that doctors know best, right? Right? (more to come in Doc. Dilemma-after Man Talk)

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky

Man Talk - Ben

 


Name: Ben

Location: Kuching, Malaysia

Age: 32 

Married for 6 years.

1) What aspect of your marriage do you find most challenging and which aspect, most endearing?

Ben: I find the differences in values and habits as most challenging. Each of us holds different sets of values and habits and once we got married and started living under one roof, suddenly the differences that we once cherished as unique became the cause of frictions. For example, family bond is of utmost importance to me, and this includes relatives. I want to visit my family members & relatives as often as possible and want my children to develop close ties with them. My wife, on the other hand, thinks differently. She prefers to focus on our nucleus family.

Most endearing is to know that marriage means having a close confidante. My wife listens to me, she is my reflection, my solace, my pride and my strength. It pays to have a second view on everything.

2) What do you think about the practice of 'one-ness' in everything husbands and wives do including the symbolic gesture of having only one bank account or sharing only one blanket when they sleep? (I have a friend who insisted that he and the Mrs. must use only one quilt and not separate ones)

Ben: No, not a big deal to me. In essential matters, oneness, in non-essential matters, liberty. For example, it is essential to practice oneness by living together, under one roof to preserve and develop the marriage. However, in others, like bank accounts or for that matter blankets, I am liberal. I think it is more important to be able to develop trust between each other. No point if the couple have a joint account but they have to justify and argue over every expenditure just because the spouse can not trust the partner’s decision. Without trust, possibly the spouse may hoard or hide certain information from the partner. What’s the point then?

3) There is a saying that goes, "Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you." What is your take on this as far as communication between couples are concerned?

Ben: I always think that connecting with my wife is very important. It will be weird if I can’t connect with the person lying next to me every night! That sounds more like a housemate or roommate! Connecting, however, involves participation from both parties, to have both the airtime and listening as well. However, when men come back from work, sometimes it takes a longer time to unwind from his work, especially if it has been a tough day. Men also have a cave mentality. Sometimes men just have to run to the cave to unwind. Once done, he is back to normal, and I mean really normal without any emotional baggage from earlier. on. For wives out there, yeah I know you want to be pampered by your dear husband once he comes back from work, but remember sometimes the timing may not be to your favour. However, if the husband constantly needs his space and cave, then I think he is not being fair to his wife.

4) It is said that "men would rather be respected more than loved..". Do you think that is true and how should wives play their part to keep their spouses happy?

Ben: This “respect” thing can build or tear a man apart (due to lack of it) . For me, I want my wife to respect me in the way she treats me. Imagine if a wife were to look down on the poor husband, and over time, he will become a timid person, a loser if you like. It becomes a negative spiral. I think a mutual respect will build the marriage towards a positive spiral and ultimately a successful marriage. Everybody wants happy marriages and it takes two to tango. So the husband cannot expect the wife to respect him if he can’t respect her. For my definition, marriage is a partnership.

Appreciation: Thank you, Ben, for sharing with us!

Mercury in Fish

My girl asked me one day:

"Mummy, is fish smart?"

"Hmm.. I don't think so. They have very small brains."

"Then why did Grandma say I must eat fish to be smart?"

That really cracked me up! ;D

The old wives' tale that eating fish is good for brains has its place. 

I am, however, more concerned about the level of mercury in fish as nowadays, our rivers and seas are superbly toxic what with oil spills, toxic waste and chemicals conveniently dumped into our global waters. I have a friend who used to work off shore on an oil rig and he said that whatever liquid chemicals that weren't needed anymore were poured into the sea-- on a daily basis!

What is considered a dangerous level of mercury in our bodies?

"Most non-exposed people have mercury levels of 0 to 2 (all blood measurements are in micrograms of mercury per deciliter of blood, or ug/dl). Levels above 2.8 ug/dl are required to be reported to the Health Department. This test can be influenced by eating fish, because fish (particularly certain deep sea fish) may contain mercury."

Source: Mercury (read more for the side effects on health)

So I compiled a list of fish which has the lowest to the highest content of mercury as a guideline. Hope you'll find it helpful.

LOWEST MERCURY

Eat 2-3 servings a week (pregnant women and small children should not eat more than 12 ounces (2 servings):

• Anchovies
• Catfish
• Clam
• Crab
• Crawfish
• Flounder
• Haddock
• Herring
• Mackerel
• Mullet
• Oyster
• Perch
• Pollock
• Salmon
• Sardine 
• Scallop
• Shrimp
• Sole
• Squid
• Tilapia
• Trout
• Whitefish

MODERATE MERCURY

Eat six servings or fewer per month (pregnant women and small children should avoid these):

• Bass
• Carp
• Cod
• Halibut
• Lobster
• Mahi Mahi
• Monkfish
• Perch
• Snapper
• Tuna (Canned Chunk light)

HIGH MERCURY

Eat three servings or less per month (pregnant women and small children should avoid these):

• Bluefish
• Grouper
• Sea Bass
• Tuna (Canned Albacore, Yellowfin) 

HIGHEST MERCURY

Avoid eating (everyone):

• Marlin
• Orange Roughy
• Shark
• Swordfish
• Tilefish
• Tuna (Ahi)

More: Mercury Levels in Fish 

          Mercury in Malaysian Fish

_{Sources:
Food and Drug Administration (FDA). Mercury Levels in Commercial Fish and Shellfish
Food and Drug Administration (FDA). What You Need to Know About Mercury in Fish and Shellfish
National Resource Defense Council. Mecury Contamination in Fish.
Centers for Disease Control. Public Health Statement for Mercury. Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry.}

_{Carpe Diem, ladies!}

_Becky

Would You Give Your Family Supplements?

There are three things in life we cannot escape:  

Death, Taxes..................................................... and the Direct Salesman! 

(Cymbals clang... "Thank you, Thank you! Yes, I love cheese...")

Honestly, if you're not an MLM (Multi-Level Marketing) distributor, you would have at least been approached by a stranger, friend or a relative who is one. Every company would claim that theirs is the miracle product, helps you lose weight, can cure all sorts of illnesses, beautify you from inside out, prevent dread diseases and etc etc etc. Some of the direct salespeople that have approached me and my family are from brands like Amway, Melilea, Cosway, Herbalife, Forever Living, Transfer Factor, Usana... to name a few. 

Although we have tried some, my husband is a stubborn skeptic while I sit on the fence on this matter. We have always maintained that as long as we eat a healthful and balanced diet, we should be doing alright. Right?

So I asked some friends of ours over dinner last night. They are mature parents with three kids. Straight away they gave a resounding "YES! Health supplements work!" The husband said that due to his less-than-healthy lifestyle when he was much younger, he should be stricken with some form of illnesses by now. But unlike some of his friends who are either sickly, unhealthy-looking, balding due to a lifestyle of excess, he claims that he is in good health (well, he is certainly healthy looking). He believes that if he were to stop taking these supplements, all illnesses would surface. His wife opined that our natural food is no better nowadays what with all the growth hormones injected into meat, pesticide-laced vegetables, chemical-ridden imported foods..etc. Plus, depending on how meticulous we are, vegetables also tend to lose their goodness during the course of preparation and cooking. Also, people tend to eat out a lot more due to work and convenience.  

Hmmm.....

Then, an article I came across got me wondering if we should perhaps balance our food intake with supplements after all. Check out Bizzarre Effects on Teens.

According to Dr Alice Prethima, she is seeing many cases of abnormalities in male and female teens due to the food chain and diet e.g. girls with too much hair where it shouldn't be and boys growing breasts (pic), a condition called gynecomastia. She further elaborated that we're eating too much meat and meat contain growth hormones previously injected into the animals. 

Besides that, bad oestrogens enter our bodies from:
a) Plastic materials e.g. fizzy bottled drinks
b) Polysterene containers when we pack food
c) Plastic bags/wrappers which are used to wrap food e.g. roti canai, curry, laksa...etc
d) Pesticides, insecticides and other bad oestrogenic substances in the environment.

It is a scary thought isn't it? That the food we take could potentially cause our sons to have breasts and daughters to be hairy.

Perhaps supplements aren't such a bad idea after all? Unless you're a farmer or you grow your own vegetables, it seems 'natural' foods nowadays aren't so natural: Meat with hormones, vegetables with pesticide, fish with mercury, dairy products with melamine...etc. I worry for our children!

What do you reckon?

More on:
Why Supplements are Good for You. 
Are Vitamins and Mineral Supplements Good for You? 
Safety of Herbal Supplements 

Man Talk - Jared

Name: Jared

Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Age: 27
Married for 20 months (AGES!!!!!! hahaha)

1) "To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not understand her at all." What is your take on the above statement?

Jared: I don't really agree with this statement. I've heard something similar in that men would rather be respected more than loved which I think can be true in some sense, and for a lot of men this may be the case. However, I think these 2 things (love and understanding/respect) go hand in hand. To be able to truly love my Wife in the capacity she needs and deserves, I need to understand how she works/thinks (as hard as that may seem sometimes haha), how she feels loved, and how I can best show that to her.
Likewise, if my wife understands me, yet does not love me, then she would just be the same as any other person who has taken the time to get to know me. Many of my friends understand me, that doesn't mean they want to be married to me.

2) Which part of the wedding vow do you hold especially dear to your heart? Why?

Jared:  The part of our vows which I hold dear is "I will ... always seek your good with all my strength and all the strength God gives me". In Ephesians 5:22 it says " Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church...". Quite often guys will jokingly quote this scripture, perhaps sometimes with some degree of belief, making the point the the wife should do whatever the husband says. Rarely do they carry on from that where it says in verse 25:

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy ... in this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies."

To me this is the real challenge is. To love my Wife with the same level of commitment, dedication and passion that Christ showed to me by laying down his life. That whatever decisions are made, they are in her best interest.

3) Under "Money Issues..", an Anonymous who is a husband commented "...I would want to think that I am the main breadwinner, providing everything including frills for the wife. Trust me, most men, real men do..."
Do you think most men, including yourself, really share the same sentiment or should equality reign in couples in this day and age?

Jared: The topic of money is one that I think that has numerous and varied opinions. I think at the heart of most men there is that 'hunter and gatherer' mentality that we want to be able to provide for all of our wife's/families needs. At the end of the day though, every couple is different. Everyone (men and women) have their own desires and dreams for what they want to accomplish in life. I think that the topic of money needs to be something that is discussed by a couple early on, so that both sides are aware of the expectations each other has.

I personally think that being married, my Wife and I are a team. Whatever we do, it is for each other's benefit. Money is only one of many aspects of our marriage. If my wife earns more than me, then I wouldn't feel less of a man, or that I'm not a 'real man' as Mr Anonymous may suggest. No one should feel that they are defined by how much they earn. There are far more important things in this world.

4) We discussed a lot about love languages under "Five Love Languages", 1/7/2010. How do you feel when your wife speaks the right love language to you?

Jared:  This follows on from my point in answer #1. It's important  to know what your spouse's love languages are, to be able to ensure their 'love tank' is full. Luckily (or not so luckily) for me my wife has ALL 5 of them!! Oh the choices =)

As for me, when my wife speaks my love languages, not only do I feel loved, but I know that she understands how I work and that she makes the effort speak love to me in a way that I understand. For me my main languages are quality time and gifts of service. So when she does something like doing a chore for me that I usually do even though she doesn't like doing it (the reason I usually do it), then I am not only grateful, but feel loved that she did something that made me happy, and not her.

Appreciation: Many thanks, Jared, for sharing your heart with us on Carpe Diem Mamas! It's good to see the other side of a coin once in awhile. Mamas, do your husbands share Jared's opinions on the above issues? If you're a husband/male reader, we'd like to know what you think too....

My Brother, My Sister.... My Friend

I attended a cousin's wedding recently. She is the only girl among five siblings. Yet, she and her brothers are close and care deeply for one another. When we joked that the groom-to-be had to be 'cross-examined' and approved by the brothers first, the eldest brother candidly replied, "Of course! No one can bully our sister--- but us!"

How wonderful to have siblings looking out for you..

On the other extreme, an intensely bitter sibling rivalry between two brothers in Sabah ended with one murdering the other. This happened quite recently on 1st April 2010. The mother said the two fought often over petty issues which she believed was due to jealousy and unhappiness. The father said the two sons had been at odds with each other ever since the younger one was 3 years old. (Source: Sibling rivalry ends in murder)

Tragic, isn't it? -  that children from the same womb should hate each other so much!

Although sibling quarrels are normal and part of growing up, as a mother, I want my children to get along well because at the end of the day, no matter what happens, blood is thicker than water. It should be your family that stands by you when the chips are down. I think it would break any mother's heart to see the children she gave birth to mired in strife and hate.

What factors contribute to the quality of sibling relationships?

a) Sex and Temperament

- Sibling relationships are more likely to be warm and harmonious between siblings of the same sex (Dunn & Kendrick, 1981) and when neither is temperamentally emotional (Brody, Stoneman & McCoy, 1994).

b) Age

Sibling relationships generally improve as the younger one approaches adolescence because they begin to perceive each other as equals (Buhrmester & Furman, 1990)

c) Parents' treatment of children

Siblings more often get along when they believe parents have no 'favourites' but treat all equally (Kowal & Kramer, 1997). When parents exalt one child's accomplishments while ignoring the other, children will notice and the sibling relationship suffers.

d) Parents' relationship with each other

A warm, harmonious relationship between parents often makes for positive sibling relationships; conflict between parents is associated with conflict between siblings (Volling & Belsky, 1992). When parents don't get along, they no longer treat their children the same, leading to conflict among siblings (Brody et al., 1994)

[Source: Children and their Development, Robert V. Kail]

The implication we get from the above is that we as parents can influence sibling relationships for the better if we are loving towards each other, and be equally affectionate, responsive as well as caring towards all of our children.

From your experience, how have the above factors influenced your sibling relationships? And how do you improve on those factors to enhance your children's relationships with one another?

 At the end of the day.....

 A brother (sister) is a friend God gave you; A friend is a brother (sister) your heart chose.

-Proverb

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky

D.I.Y. Play dough Fun!

I love play dough! Who doesn't?

It's a great form of play that is divergent with endless possibilities and plenty of room for creativity. Children love it and they come up with the most amazing things if we just let them be. It's also educational; when I make it with my daughter, I'd tell her the measurement for the ingredients needed (Maths concept), what they're called (Vocabulary - Language), what they're for (e.g. salt for preservation - Science concept) and I let her mix and knead it (Fine Motor Skills).

Between commercial and home made play dough, I prefer the latter simply because:

a) Making it is part of the fun

b) It's more economical

c) Safe, non-toxic and edible (though not for eating, but in case they put it in their mouths, it's not the end of the world for us..)

d) We can make fresh batches everytime the old ones are stale or dirty.

Here's the recipe I usually use:

2 cups of flour

1 cup of salt

4 teaspoons cream of tartar

1 cup of hot water 

1 tablespoon of cooking oil

Food colouring (amount depends on how bright you want the colour to be)

Method: Mix dry ingredients followed by wet ingredients together. Knead until smooth and 'clean', as in it doesn't stick to your hands or the table. If it's sticky, add more flour. If too dry and crumbly, add a bit of water. Keep in airtight container. Should last about two weeks or more-depending on how tight the container is. It is even better to keep it refrigerated. If it starts to smell funny, discard and make a fresh batch.

My 'masterpieces':

 Meet the

residents of 

"Gumby-ville".

  Daughter's 'masterpieces':

"Mask"

"Thumbelina"

What other D.I.Y play ideas have you tried with your children at home? 



More play dough recipes to try as they yield different textures and consistency:

Oatmeal dough
2 cups oatmeal
1 cup flour
1/2 cup water

Combine ingredients and knead well. Finished projects can be painted when dry.

Baker's Clay
1 cup cornstarch
2 cups baking soda
1 1/2 cups cold water

Combine ingredients. Stir till smooth. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly until consistency is like dry mashed potatoes. Turn out onto plate or bowl, covering with damp cloth. When cooled, knead thoroughly until smooth.

Salt Dough
4 cups of salt
1 cup cornstarch

Combine with sufficient water to form a paste. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly.

(Source: Creative Resources for the Early Childhood Classroom, 2nd edition by Judy Herr and Yvonne Libby)

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky

Money issues - Leading cause of Marital Problems?

Recently, there was a discussion on the radio about money issues being the main source of marital quarrels. 

Agree/Disagree ?

In fact, a study by Jeffrey Dew, Utah State University, found that couples who argue about money once a week are 30% more likely to divorce than couples who disagree about finances few times a month.

Here are some common examples of  how money issues can drive a wedge between couples:

• Wife complaining that Husband doesn't earn enough.
• Husband wants Wife to work to help pay for bills, whereas Wife wants to be full-time homemaker.
• Wife blames Husband for losing their savings in a bad investment choice.
• Wife earns less than Husband, but is expected to pay for all other household expenses while Husband pays for car and house loans.
• Husband thinks Wife spends too much on a handbag whereas Wife wouldn't be caught dead with an imitation Louis Vuitton.
• Husband/Wife feels spouse passes too much money to his/her own family members.
• Wife is hurt that Husband has not changed his insurance policy beneficiary to her instead of his sister.

The list is endless as it differs from couple to couple. Although the situation is unique to each couple, it all boils down to managing each other's expectations. For example, before we got married, my then fiance thought both of us should pay for future expenses equally. I, on the other hand, thought THE MAN should shoulder most of the financial burden as the woman would be shouldering a different kind of burden besides work: pregnancy, labour pain, child birth, breastfeeding pain, sleepless nights, childcare, managing household -- so wouldn't the woman be tipping the scale already as far as contributions are concerned?

Anyway, the pre-marital course we attended brought to light our differences due to our:

a) Family Upbringing

b) Financial Background

c) Financial Goals and Priorities. 

To prevent such disputes, disciplined planning and budgeting are advocated.

Here are some more useful tips about solving money problems within marriage - summarized:

1. Communicate openly and honestly about:
i. Goals
ii. Limits 
iii. Budget

2. Set Aside Selfishness

Simple, yet not so simple, right? 

How else should couples iron out their $$$ disputes? And just for the fun of it, should husbands give wives a monthly allowance? Even if the wife is working and earning a salary? But if wives earn more, should they give husbands an allowance then?

Carpe Diem, ladies!

Becky